Random Adventures of Dorothy and Toto
by Bowlingforshrimp
Summary: So...just some random RangerJamie stories. ALl of them take place WAY before Ranger meets Stephanie, so don't get mad when they kiss or something. I'll update when I think of some more fun stories.
1. Christmas

So. Anywho. These are some random adventures of Jamie and Ranger, all of them before Ranger meets Stephanie. I know you all like the Jamie and Ranger stories...so here they are. I'll add more when I think of more. Enjoy.

**Christmas With Ranger**

My first Christmas away from home. Well, Christmas Eve, anyway. I was walking along in the snow of jolly ol' London. I walked past shops and bakeries and cafes, thinking about life in general. I was considering buying stuff for my family and shipping them over to Trenton, but decided against it considering I had no money. I sighed and slid through the crowd of last minute shoppers. I didn't have anywhere to stay that night, which officially sucked.

I smiled as I recounted the last couple of weeks. I had been with a guy I met about a month ago, Ricardo Carlos Manoso, AKA Ranger. And of course, all of his Merry Men. We had met up in Italy, and I helped him with another take-down of some scumbag. Then we kinda hung out for a while, and one day Ranger got a call from someplace, and off he went, riding into the sunset with his numerous Tontos. I hadn't asked to come with him, because first of all he had said no ahead of time, and I wasn't done seeing Europe yet.

I turned the corner onto 66 Fleet Street. I spotted an old, smallish red building. There was a gold title above the door that read "The Tipperary". It looked like a decent place to take a rest, and it was only 6 o'clock so it was still open. I pushed the door aside and headed straight for the bar. It was a small, dark, smokey room. Men were piled around the bar, and generally piled everywhere. I sauntered right up to the bar and ordered a Tullamore Dew. The barkeep didn't even ask for my ID. That was a bonus. I slid onto a bar stool and sipped from my big glass mug, feeling the warm whiskey wash down my throat. Yum.

Suddenly there was an arm around my waist and a kiss planted onto the top of my head. A warm voice breathed into my ear. "Merry Christmas," Ranger said.

I smiled. "Not yet, Santa."

Ranger slid into a stool next to me and ordered a drink. "Having a lonely Christmas?" he asked me.

I sighed. "Yeah, my first away from home. I didn't think it'd be this hard." And that was the truth. It sucked being alone in a strange place on a holiday. I could be at home right now, sitting in front of the fire, watching Mom and Grandma Mazur decorate the tree or Dad disappearing into the garage to _get away_ from Grandma Mazur.

"Homesick?" Ranger interrupted my thoughts.

I smiled sheepishly. "A little."

We sat in silence for a while. Ranger stood up after a bit and dropped some Euros on the bar. He slid an arm around my shoulders and steered me out into the snow. "Tank and I are here for a job. We're renting a house up the street. You can stay with us."

I was mentally jumping for joy. No more spending nights on the Underground.  
"Aww…you don't have to put up with a homeless whiny teenager like me."

Ranger arm was still around my shoulders and we were walking down the street like that. He smiled down at me. "I don't think I could have survived that puppy-eyes look you were giving me. And besides, you'd probably follow me home anyway."

That was true. "Hey! I wasn't giving you puppy eyes!"

Ranger grinned. "Sure you were, just unconsciously."

I cut my eyes to him. "Hmmph. You just want an excuse to be nice."

"Well, there's that, too."

Ranger unlocked the door to his little house and we went inside. I kicked off my wet boots and shrugged out of my wet jacket. Ranger told me I could change into a pair of his sweats, and that's exactly what I did.

I came into the kitchen, dressed in warm black sweatpants and found Ranger and Tank lounging around, leaning against the counter. Tank was stirring a pot on the stove and a pan sizzling next to it. The room smelled absolutely scrumptious.

"What's cookin' good lookin'?" I asked Tank.

He smiled at me. "Spaghetti and meatballs. The perfect Christmas Eve dinner."

"Wow. This'll probably be the first time I _haven't_ had roast beef of Christmas. I'm afraid I'll get struck down by the Burg Gods."

Ranger raised an eyebrow. "The Burg Gods?"

I laughed out loud. "The Burg is the place where I grew up. It's short for Chambersburg. It's a place where houses are obsessively neat and if you aren't home on time, dinner is ruined."

Ranger smiled. "Sounds like a fun place."

I snorted. "Yeah. Allota' fun. Especially when everyone is Italian and the only conversation is yelling over who took the most gravy. It's the perfect place to spread gossip and find out the juciest details. Seriously, there was this girl I hated so I told one of my friends that she was caught making out with the gym teacher. The news was all over the Burg by lunchtime."

Ranger and Tank laughed out loud. I continued. "And ya know, it would be the perfect place for a safe house 'cause nothing bad ever happens in the Burg." I thought for a minute."Well, Jimmy Curtains _did_ walk Two Toes Garibaldi out of his house in his pajamas at one in the morning and drove him to the land fill…but the actual killing didn't happen in the Burg."

Ranger shook his head and smiled. "I'll think about it," he said.

Over spaghetti and meatballs I told Ranger and Tank about my family. I was feeling too homesick _not_ to talk about them, and Ranger and Tank were getting pretty entertained by it. I had told them all about my mother and her neurotic ironing, my father and his cab and secret cigars, and Grandma Mazur. They enjoyed Grandma Mazur. Now I was on to my siblings.

"So, the middle sister is Stephanie. She's a riot. Always wanted to be Wonder Woman, or Peter Pan, or the Thundercats. She's really stubborn and just got divorced 'cause her ass of a husband cheated on her. And boy, was it a nasty divorce. I wasn't there, but apparently her head spun completely around like the kid in the Exorcist."

This earned me a big laugh, so I went on. "When she was seven she jumped off the roof to see if she could fly. I hadn't been born then, but when I heard the story when_I_wasseven, I climbed out of the bathroom window and jumped off myself, just to see how fun it was. Stephanie always used the bathroom window to sneak out at night, and I always had to cover for her. If I didn't, I'd get pinned to the ground and have loogies dangling inches from my face."

More laughs. "But when I was seven, and she was sixteen, one day she came home all upset and I didn't know why, so I bugged her until she told me. All she said was 'fucking Morelli and his connolis'. Of course I had no idea what she meant, and three years later she ran over this Morelli person with a car. I was ten at this point, and badgered her about it but she said I was too young to understand. It was only when I fourteen and was ditching school when I found the poem on the stadium wall, and I knew exactly what Joseph Morelli did to my sister. So after that Joe became my prime target from sniping off the roof.

"But that's enough from Stephanie," I said, sipping my wine, "My oldest sister is Valerie. She's Miss Perfect. She would drag me into her room with her friends so they could all dress me up in little dresses. Gag me with a spoon. They put makeup on me and made me have tea-parties." I shuddered. That's all I said about Valerie. I added that she was happily married with a kid and another on the way.

The conversation drifted toTank's family of three sisters and nofather, and Ranger's of four sisters, a brother, parents, and grandparents all living in the same house. They both told stories about being in the Army, in bootcamps, in military school, and by the time we were finished eating we had moved into the big lounge. I was sitting back against the armrest of a big cushy leather couch with my legs resting on Ranger's lap. Tank was stretched out on a couch across from us. All three of us had hot chocolate in our hands. Mine had marshmallows.

"That was yummy," I said, sipping my hot chocolate.

"Mmmm…" Tank said from the couch.

We sat in silence for a while. The only sound was the crackling of the fire. I had the sudden urge to snuggle up to Ranger and relax, but that would have been weird. So I stayed where I was, wiggling my toes and sipping hot chocolate.

After a while Ranger suggested we turn in for the night. Ranger and Tank had a big meeting tomorrow morning, and they didn't want to embarrass themselves by falling asleep. So Ranger brought me a huge blanket and pillow, and he and Tank retreated upstairs.

Two hours ticked by and I couldn't sleep. I hated sleeping alone on Christmas. Every Christmas I'd climb into Stephanie's bed, but once she left home I'd sleep with my parents. This was my first Christmas ever sleeping alone. And boy, was it lonely. Halfway through the night I got so lonely I shoved the blanket off me and climbed the stairs. I peeked into a bedroom and saw Ranger sprawled out on the bed, sound asleep. I stood in the doorway, wondering what I should do now, when Ranger's eyes opened and he sat up a little to look at me.

"Can't sleep?" He asked, rubbing his eyes.

"I never sleep alone on Christmas," I whispered. And then I walked across the room to the bed and slid beneath the covers. I turned with my back to Ranger and I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

The next morning I woke up and my head was resting on Ranger's bare chest. His arm was around me. I half sat up and looked at Ranger, who was awake.

"Merry Christmas," I said, smiling at him.

He squeezed my shoulder and smiled back. "Merry Christmas."

I laid my head back on his chest and closed my eyes. Who needs presents when you've got a hot Cuban guy to wake up to?

The end.


	2. Fun in the South Pacific

**The South Pacific Fiasco**

It's been a year since I met Ranger and his Merry Men. We went our separate ways after the whole Key West dealio, and I traveled up and down the coast for a week. Then I ran into Jack Summer again, and took off in first class to Italy, the land of pasta. There I ran into Ranger again, and I helped him with a takedown some murderer, and he let me follow him around.

Currently Ranger and I were on a boat, or yacht rather, sailing through the tropical waters of the South Pacific. We had set sail just yesterday, after an incident involving guns and lots and lots of drugs.

See, what happened was, Ranger was undercover as a sexy bartender (and doing a rather great job of it, in my opinion) and I was playing my wonderful self. There was a smattering of Merry Men all around the room, waiting for the drugs to be brought out so they could all jump on one Jose Arturo and haul his ass to jail. Arturo was a big gun-runner and drug dealer. He owned a whole bunch of underground bars and casinos where slimy rich guys and beautiful rich women could go to deal guns and get high. Tonight though, he was rumored to be in the Banana House, his most popular establishment.

The lighting was dark and the people were darker. I moved around smoothly, drink in hand, looking out for Arturo. I wasn't here for distraction so I wasn't looking my sexiest, but I could feel men's eyes on my as I slid through the crowd.

I sauntered up to the bar and raised my left eyebrow at Ranger, or T-Bone as it said on his name-tag. He nodded to me and slid another drink my way. The left eyebrow meant I hadn't spotted Arturo. The right eyebrow meant I had. And both meant trouble. Ranger hadn't expected any trouble tonight. How he had gotten us all in to an underground bar was a mystery to me, but I didn't question it.

There was a lull in the noise of the crowd, and then applause broke out. I looked over near the front door, where none other than Jose Arturo had stepped in and was waving to his beyond happy clients. I glanced over at Ranger who nodded silently and disappeared into the shadows. The game was on.

Arturo made his way easily through the crowd, en route to the bar. I guess gun running made you thirsty. I stepped aside and averted my eyes politely as Arturo passed me, trying to be as discreet as possible. I wasn't discreet enough I guess, 'cause as soon as Arturo laid his slimy eyes on me they stayed there.

"And who is this beautiful lady?" he asked, taking my hand and kissing it. EEEYUCK. I knew Ranger wouldn't be happy right now. I wasn't supposed to be drawing attention to myself.

I smiled shyly. "My name is…Rose," I said, using my middle name.

Arturo smiled slimily. "Are you new here, Rose? Would you like a drink?"

I looked up at him and blinked when I saw one of Ranger's men posing as body-guard. How the hell did Ranger pull that off? "I am feeling rather thirsty, yes," I said, letting myself be led up to the bar.

Ranger was no where to be seen. A replacement bartender had taken over. I ordered aTequila and mentally cringed as Arturo's hand when around my waist. Ranger had warned me about this guy. Apparently when he found a woman he liked, she didn't get much choice as to where his hands went. My drink arrived and I thanked the bartender. Arturo turned me to face him and pulled me close. EW. Oh Ranger, just get this over with, will you? I prayed. The party had already resumed around us, and unless Arturo had something important to say, no one was paying much attention to us.

"What do you like?" Arturo asked me, sliding his hand under my tropical tube top.

Before I could answer smartly, I answered stupidly. "Well, I'd really like it if you'd stop manhandling me."

A hush fell over the crowd, and I could feel Ranger banging his head against some wall somewhere. Jose Arturo was not one to be ordered around, especially by a woman. Chauvinist pig.

"What did you say?" he asked, tightening his grip on me.

I narrowed my eyes at him. The alcohol was starting to take effect. "I said," I spat, shoving his hands out of my shirt, "take your filthy hands off me."

Gasps all around. Arturo's eyes widened. I needed to get out of there, fast. "And if you'll excuse me, I need to go to the little girl's room to wash your slime off of me." Oh shit. I was really in for it now. I started to walk away but was grabbed by huge hands, whirled around, and slammed onto the bar. Arturo loomed over me with a nasty grin.

"Women don't speak to me that way, Rose. I think you need to learn that lesson." And then he kissed me hard, his tongue fighting its nasty way into my mouth. I just did what any girl in this situation would do. I kicked him in the 'nads. Arturo roared and slid off of me, and I bolted. SHEE-IT. Did I just kick the Drug & Gun King in the balls? Fuck.

Gun shots rang out, man hollered, women screamed, everyone dropped to the floor. Somehow Ranger was recognized and someone yelled, "He's a mercenary!" and all guns were trained on him. One of the Marry Men shot a chandelier and it fell into the crowd, creating more mayhem. Ranger disappeared into the melee.

I made it out of the bar in one piece, running full speed in four inch heels. I was running through back-allies, being chased by Arturo's henchmen. I wondered if Ranger's guy was one of them. Suddenly I was grabbed and dragged into the shadows. A hand was pressed over my mouth. I was about to elbow this crack-head in the stomach when a familiar scent washed over me. Ranger.

"Don't make a sound. After the men pass, head to the docks. There's a boat called _Pacific Wind;_ meet me there," he said and he was gone. I did what he ordered. After the henchmen passed my little corner of shadows I beat it out of there.

The docks were quiet this time of night. There was a soft breeze that made boats creek and cooled me down. I passed boat after boat, looking at titles. Finally I found _Pacific Wind_ at the end of the dock, and carefully hopped on. I found Ranger below deck, drinking a glass of water. He was still wearing the red silk shirt, black slacks, and name-tag. And he didn't look too happy.

"That was stupid, Jamie," he said to me.

I sighed. "I know," I looked at him, "What about the Merry Men?"

Ranger couldn't help chuckling. I'd started calling his crew 'the Merry Men' after we watched "Robin Hood, Men in Tights". "No one was recognized except me. Lester called me and told me to get out of there while we could, and the rest of them will meet us later."

I nodded. "So now what? Are we just going to steal this boat?" I asked, looking around.I was good at stealing boats.

"This boat belongs to a friend of mine. He said I could borrow it." Ranger said and climbed up on deck.

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That's how we came to be in the middle of the ocean, a day later. It was a glorious night and I was sitting on a chair, leaned back on two legs, enjoying the breeze while sipping lemonade. Ranger was fifteen feet away barbequing fresh fish we had caught during the day. We were both in the same clothes as last night. Me in my short wrap around skirt and tube top, and Ranger in his silk shirt and slacks.

I smiled as I remembered our little fishing expedition. It had taken me about an hour to get the freaking lure on the hook, Ranger just laughing in the background the whole time.

"Yeah, you laugh," I had said, sucking on a stabbed finger, "Just wait until I catch a bigger fish than you."

And that's what started a stupid bet, which Ranger had won, and I had lost fifty bucks. Over a lousy fish. Bastard.

Ten minutes later Ranger joined me by the railing, handing me a plate full of yummy fish and a fork. He pulled up a chair next to me, and mirrored my leaned-back position. We had dropped anchor to eat becauseRanger couldn't eatat the same time he was driving the boat.The fish was wonderful. Spiced with lime and something I couldn't place.

"Christ on stick, where'd _you_ learn to cook?" I asked, looking over at Ranger.

He grinned at me. "My mother, grandmother, four sisters, and the Army."

"Jeezus," I said, and we lapsed into silence once more.

Ranger started to laugh suddenly. I glanced at him sharply and narrowed my eyes. "What's so funny, douche bag?"

"Just remembering you trying to put the lure on the hook and getting stabbed," he said.

My eyes narrowed even more and my mouth opened in a 'oh-no-you-di-int' way. Ranger saw my expression and laughed harder. I stood up and dumped my lemonade on his head. Ranger stopped laughing and glared at me and I knew I was dead meat, so I took off. He chased me all around the boat. I was laughing, dodging, and hiding. Ranger was just swearing and grabbing.

"Fine!" he yelled after fifteen minutes, "I give up! Come out now."

I was hiding in the shadows where Ranger couldn't see me. He was standing at the bow, looking around for me. Luckily it was dark so I could slide easily through the shadows. He turned around, his back to me, looking out over the ocean. I suppressed a nervous giggle as I crept closer. Ranger and the Merry Men had taught me how to creep up on people. And that's exactly was I did to Ranger. I snuck up behind him and gave him a giant push, sending him toppling into the water.

I fell over laughing. And then while I was laughing I got up,stumbled over to where my bag was slung on a chair, and grabbed my camera. Still laughing, I bent over the railing and looked at a very angry looking Ranger. I grinned at him and snapped a picture. Then I ran. I locked myself into the small bathroom below-deck. It wasn't much. A miniscule sink, a miniscule toilet, and a miniscule shower. I decided to take a shower. I still felt slimy from Jose Arturo.

I was standing under the hot spray, singing to myself, when the bathroom door banged open. Shit. The curtain was wrenched aside and standing there was a very wet, very mad Ranger. Double shit. He grabbed me and I shrieked, afraid of what he was going to do. He slung me over his shoulder and carried me, naked and soapy, up on deck. And then he dumped me overboard.

Going from hot shower to ice-cold sea water wasn't the best experience in my life. All the wind was knocked out of me as I hit the cold water, and I bobbed in a shivering silence for a few minutes. Ranger was leaning against the railing, smiling down at me. He had changed out of his wet clothes into a pair of sweats. Who knows where he found those. I glared at him and swam to the ladder on the side of the boat. I climbed the ladder, my nakedness forgotten. I hoisted myself aboard and flopped onto my back, exhausted, and closed my eyes. The wind had picked up and I started to shiver violently. I opened my eyes to see Ranger standing over me, towel in hand.

"You're cruel," I said to him through my chattering teeth.

His eyes swept my over body. "You're gorgeous," he said.

My face got hot and I narrowed my eyes at him. I was eighteen now, so it was completely legal for him to be hitting on me, but that didn't mean I had to like it. I was a virgin, and I damn well wasn't going to lose my virginity yet.

I sighed. "Just give me the towel."

Ranger dropped the towel on me, and I sat up and covered everything that I could. Ranger helped me up and followed me below-deck. I sent him one last glare and retreated into the bathroom to take _another_ shower.

Ranger was lying on the bed, watching TV when I was finished. I peeked my head around the door. "Are there any extra clothes?" I asked him.

He flicked his eyes over to me. He considered me for a moment and then got up and opened the drawer to a small chest of drawers. He tossed a pair of sweats and a T-shirt at me, both black. After dressing I flopped down on the bed next to Ranger.

"Well that was fun," I said.

"Hope we can do it again sometime," Ranger answered, and then he went back to watching TV.

the end. More to come.


	3. The Bear Trap in the Woods

**The Bear Trap in the Woods**

So now we were flying to Oregon, searching for an evil guy who broke out of prison. His name is Rodney Peterson, and he was last seen running into the pine forest in southern Oregon. This will be my first time on the west coast. Most of my time so far has been spent in Europe. It's been two weeks since the South Pacific fiasco, and I'm proud to say that no one got hurt. Well, Bobby got hit in the face with a couple of dice, but that doesn't really count.

The Rangeman jet was undergoing maintenance, so Ranger had bought first class tickets to Portland, Oregon. From there we would drive south, and find the prison we were looking for. We had taken off from Germany, and it was about a 14 hour direct flight.

For the first hour Lester, Bobby, Tank, Ranger, and I played cards. Then we all got bored and migrated to our own seats. I was next to Ranger, Bobby and Tank were seated together, and Lester was sitting next to some girl he was flirting with. Ranger had fallen asleep so basically I was bored out of my mind. I played Gameboy for an hour, watching the in flight movie, "MeanGirls",and went to the bathroom about eighteen times. I looked over at Ranger. He was sound asleep. Hmm…

I reached into my bag and found a black Sharpie. I carefully uncapped it, reached over, and dotted Ranger's cheek, quickly pulling back in case he woke up. Nothing. So I reached out again and drew a smiley face, using my previous dot as an eye. Still nothing. An evil smile spread across my face. I leaned over and drew a curly Frenchmustache under Ranger's nose. And then I drew glasses around his eyes. And then I drew a little goatee on his chin. I drew curly side-burns, a flaming toilet on his forehead, and a matching happy face on his other cheek.

"Damn, Jelly Bean, he's gonna kill you for that," Tank said from across the isle. Jelly Bean was my new nickname. Lester's drunken reasoning was that Jamie could be turned into Jam which can be turned into Jelly which reminded him of a Jelly Bean.

I glanced at Tank. "No he won't."

"How do you figure?"

"First off, he won't even _know_ I did it unless people start asking him if it hurt to get his whole face tattooed. Secondly, no one is going to tell him _I_ did it."

Tank chuckled and turned back to his magazine.

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FINALLY we landed in Portland, Oregon, at 1:30 in the afternoon. It took fifteen minutes to get off the airplane and through the airport. No one had baggage to claim. And Ranger had drawn up a deal with the prison administrators that he could use their weapons.

When the plane landed and everyone stood up, Lester looked at Ranger and his eyes widened. Ranger had been getting his duffel from the overhead shelf and didn't notice. Lester looked over at me and raised an eyebrow. I just smiled. Bobby's reaction had been similar, but I think he knew not to react. I guess he wanted to see how long it would take for Ranger to notice. Tank was the same way. The Merry Men were good. They didn't react when talking to Ranger. And then when Ranger wasn't in earshot, they told me I was in deep shit.

There was a guy waiting for us at the front of the airport. He was huge. That's all I have to say. He was wearing a black suit and tie, with Matrix-esque sunglasses. Ranger nodded to him and we followed him out of the airport. If Sunglasses noticed Ranger's face, he didn't indicate it. I'd already almost had a hernia from trying not to laugh. There was an SUV and a Porsche waiting for us outside. Both black. Both new. Both shiny. Ranger and I took the Porsche while the rest of the Merry Men rode in the SUV with Mr. Huge.

"Jeezus Ricky, where do you get all these cars from?"

He glared at me for calling him Ricky. "If I told you I'd have to kill you."

I laughed. "You wouldn't have the heart to kill me. Not after we've bonded so much."

Ranger snorted and silence took over.

Half an hour later we stopped at a house. It was away from the rest of suburbia, up in the hills, but not too isolated. I followed Ranger inside. The Merry Men were already there, sitting around a table eating pizza. Ranger sat down with the Merry Men and I went to answer nature's call. When I got back Tank gave me a look that meant they couldn't hold this up any longer. Ranger's face was drawn on, and they couldn't keep the laughter in. I just shrugged and looked around for another chair. Finding none, I sat on Ranger's lap.

"Howdy," I said, taking his pizza out of his hand.

He glared at me as I took a bite, and reached around me for another slice. "How much do you weigh?" He asked me.

I raised an eyebrow. "Why, you think I'm fat?"

He smiled. "No. You're sitting on me and I can't feel a thing. You need to gain some weight."

I snorted. Okay, so I was skinny. But I wasn't _that_ skinny.

Ranger started to talk about Rodney Peterson, and everyone listened. I kinda zoned out.

Suddenly the room was filled with laughter and I was wrenched back into reality. Ranger was glaring at all the Merry Men, asking them what was so goddamn funny. I turned and looked at Ranger, momentarily forgetting that I had drawn all over him. When I saw his face I cracked up, too. Ranger shoved me off of him and stood up. A gun magically appeared, and he fired a shot at the ceiling.

Everyone fell silent. I looked around from my position on the floor. Bobby and Tank were also on the floor, and Lester had his head down on his arms.

"What the hell is so fucking funny?" Ranger asked. He sounded like he'd shoot every last one of us, but he looked so ridiculous that we all started laughing again. Ranger stood there and waited for us to calm down. "Finished?" He asked.

"Man, have you looked in the mirror at _all_ since we got off the plane?" Bobby asked from the floor.

Ranger's eyes widened and he disappeared from the kitchen. A fewseconds later there was a loud bellow. "JAMIE!"

I bolted. I ran right out of the house with Ranger hot on my tail. I lead him on a wild goose chase, twice around the house and then I dove through the cat door on the side of the house. Ranger managed to grab my ankle but I squirmed away. I ran through the house, shouting a greeting to the Merry Men, who were laughing again. I peeked out into the backyard. No sign of Ranger. I snuck outside, across the deck, and up a trellis. I pulled myself onto the roof, scrambled to the peek, and waited.

"Goddammit Jamie, this better not be permanent!" Ranger yelled from somewhere. I jumped about three feet in the air.

"Don't worry, it is!" I yelled back.

"Where the hell are you?"

"In your head!"

I heard Ranger climbing the trellis. When I saw him hoist himself onto the roof, I crawled away to the other side and jumped down. I landed and instantly rolled, like I was taught to, but as I was rolling I hit a very big rock and all the wind was knocked out of me. I tried to regain my breath in time to get away, but I was too late. Ranger was already hovering over me.

"You little skank," he said, hauling me up by my jacket collar.

"You know you love me," I said, grinning hopefully.

Ranger shook his head and practically dragged me inside. His face was still covered in my graffiti, but I resisted the urge to laugh. He shoved me onto a chair and towered over me, arms crossed over chest, face screwed into a glare.

"You know you would be a lot more attractive if you didn't glare so much," I said, and instantly regretted it. Ranger just shook his head, sighed, and gave me one last death look before retreating into the bathroom to try to wash his face.

"That's it?" I asked, looking over at the Merry Men. I truly had expected lecture or a smack at least.

Tank was grinning at me. "Oh Hell no, that's not it. He just doesn't see a point at getting you back right now. He's going to get revenge when you least expect it."

"Well that's a good thing for me since I'll _always be expecting it!_" I yelled that last part, directing in the direction of the bathroom. I heard Ranger laugh over the sound of the faucet.

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Mel Foreman was a short, fat, balding man in his late forties. He was also head of Oregon State Prison. Ranger and the rest of the Merry Men were listening intently to Mel Foreman's monotonous voice babble on and on about how amazingly important it was to find this Rodney Peterson guy. I had trouble staying awake. Foreman took us on a tour of the prison, telling us about the security and where Peterson was last found and how he might have escaped. Ranger interviewed some inmates and guards. I got a lot of catcalls, which I mostly ignored. They were mostly things like "hey hottie" or "Nice legs. When do they open?" or "man, give me a piece of that ass". There was the stray "cunt" and "whore" which earned the owners death glares, and there were the occasional hands that grabbed my ass, and I'm sure I dislocated about three fingers, none of them being my own.

Finally we were given guns, maps, compasses, and walkie-talkies. Ranger split us into three groups. Lester and Bobby, me and Ranger, and Tank and a prison guard called Sunny. The guys poured over a map of the surrounding pine forest while I kicked around pine cones, waiting to get started. Another hour went by and Ranger and I set out west. The plan was that we'd go west for a few hours and then north for a couple hours and back southeast to get back to the prison. The guys had split up regions of forest, and ours was about a twenty mile square. We all planned to meet up back at the prison by nightfall.

Ranger was dressed once again in a black T-shirt and sweatshirt, black corgos, and black CAT boots His utility belt was fully loaded with every weapon known to mankind, and he was ready to kick some ass. Me, I just had on jeans, a long-sleeved shirt and a little zip-up sweatshirt. I had a gun shoved in the small of my back, a dirk in a sheath on my hip, and a blackjack in my boot. My messenger bag was filled with random survival necessities, my hair was in braids, and I was wearing a red bandana pirate style. Ranger made me take the bandana off, though. He said it was too bright, and what we were going to for now was not to be seen.

Two hours into the journey we stopped to take a drink. I sat down on a fallen tree, and Ranger leaned back against a pine.

"Boy, this is fun," I said.

"No kidding," Ranger said.

The silence stretched for a while. "If I grovel will you let me off the hook?"

Ranger smiled. "Hell no, Jamie, you're going to get what you deserve."

Crap.

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Six hours later we hadn't found Peterson, and we started heading back. I was pretty pooped at this point, complaining every time I tripped or my shirt got caught or something. Ranger tolerated me with constant eye-rolling. I kept telling him to stop doing that or he'd shake something loose.

We were a few miles away from the prison when Ranger started chuckling softly. It was barely noticeable, but the forest had gone quiet with nightfall and I could hear it over our footsteps.

"What's so funny, Chuckles?" I asked.

Ranger didn't answer. I looked at him over my shoulder, and suddenly there was a huge SNAP and a sharp pain in my ankle. I yelped and jumped but my left foot wouldn't leave the ground so I fell over. I wrenched a flashlight from my belt and shined it at my foot. It was caught in a bear trap. My ankle was throbbing. Great. I looked over at Ranger.He was leaning against a tree, laughing so hard he was about to fall over. Bastard.

"That was low, man, real low," I said, trying to dislodge my foot from the trap. I couldn't believe this. Ranger would pay for this one.

Five minutes later Ranger recovered from his laughing fit. He worked at the trap for ten minutes, finally pulling the teeth apart, and I pulled the foot out. My ankle throbbed like a bitch, and when Ranger hauled me up I just fell over again. So Ranger had to carry me back to the prison, wedding style. The whole time he was complaining how heavy I was.

"Well gee, Mr. Let's Break My Friend's Ankle, it's your fault you have to carry me."

"You could just suck it up and walk," Ranger laughed.

"Bastard."

"Slut."

"Whore."

"Bitch."

"Pussy."

"Ouch, Jamie, that one hurt."

"You deserved it, jackass."

We made it back to the prison and met up with everyone before driving to a hotel in Eugene, Oregon. Ranger and I were sharing a room again. I flopped down on my bed and closed my eyes. My ankle hurt like a bitch.

"How's your ankle?" I heard Ranger ask.

"I hate you," I grumbled.

Ranger laughed softly. I heard him moving around the room for a few minutes, and then I felt him taking off my left shoe. I opened my eyes and watched him peel my sock off and roll my jeans up. He had a wadded uptowel in one hand, and when he pressed it to my swollen ankle I knew it was filled with ice. I winced a little but then it got a little better.

"Thanks," I said.

Ranger arranged the makeshift ice-pack so my ankle was resting on it. He sat down at the edge of the bed and smiled at me.

"It's the least I could do," he said.

I snorted. "Yeah, right, butt-munch. You're just trying to earn brownie points so I won't get you back."

The smile turned into a 200-watt grin. "Well, yeah, there's that too."

Finis


	4. Extreme Makeover: Lester Addition

**Extreme Makeover: Lester Addition**

This was my second time on the West Coast. Right now we were in Los Angeles, California, looking for a woman named Joney Henderson, wanted for murdering her husband. We were in a really nice fancy shmancy hotel in the downtown area, but this time Lester and I were sharing a room. Ranger, Tank, Jordan, and Vince were there, going over the game plan for tonight. They needed two people to stay at the hotel, because this was the one Henderson was last seen at and is suspected of renting a room here. We already checked at the front desk, but no one by the name of Henderson had checked in. Still, it didn't hurt to be careful. The two people who volunteered to stay were me and Lester. The rest of them were going out to find a crazy woman.

"Why'd she kill the bastard, again?" I asked Ranger.

"He cheated on her with her arch enemy, stole all her money, beat her to a pulp, and left her for dead in a dumpster," Ranger answered wryly.

I winced. "Well don't go too hard on her; at least the guy deserved it."

Ranger smiled and left, followed by Tank, Vince, Bobby, and Jordan.

I turned to Lester. "Shouldn't we be down in the lobby, waiting for Joney?" I asked.

"The hotel manager didn't want us hanging around and scaring guests so he asked one of the ladies working at the desk to call us if they see Henderson."

"So basically we aren't really doing any work tonight?"

Lester leaned back on the bed. "Basically."

I watched TV with Lester for a while. And when that got boring, we played some cards. And then when _that_ got boring, Lester suggested we order some food. I wholeheartedly agreed. To tell you the truth, I was a little apprehensive about being alone with him. Not that I didn't trust him, because I did. It was just that we were so close in age and he was just so gorgeous, that one of us might do something stupid, so I kept my distance. Plus, I was still a virgin and didn't aim on losing that yet.

"Christ on a moped, Jamie," Lester said to me, using one of _my_ expressions, "Do I have some contagious disease or something?"

I guess he noticed I wasn't staying in close proximity. "Ah..well, to tell you the truth, Nessie, you do smell." Nessie was a name Tank came up with when we were in Scotland last summer. And Lester didn't really smell, I was just too shy to admit that I was a little nervous around him.

"Uh hunh. So tell me, Jelly Bean, how far have you gone?"

Hmm…not the conversation I wanted to get into to. When in doubt, play stupid. "What do you mean? Like, miles? Kilometers?"

Lester looked at me like I was stupid. Guess my plan worked. "You know what I mean, smartass."

I gave him a dumb blonde look.

He snorted but humored me. "I meant how far have you gone, base-wise," he said, leering at me.

"Oooh I get what you mean now, Lester. Hell, I've gotten all the way home."

He raised an eyebrow. "Ranger said you were a virgin."

I gave him a what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about look. "What has my virginity got anything to do with baseball?"

He shook his head and sighed. "You're hopeless."

"What are you talking about?" I said incredulously, "I played softball when I was a kid and hit plenty of homeruns, my friend."

"Fine then. How far have you let a guy go without slapping him?"

Hm. There were many ways to get out of that one, but I was tired of this little game, so I answered honestly. "You don't want to know. It's seriously pathetic."

Lester grinned at me from his bed. I was sitting on the other bed. "Now we're getting somewhere, Jelly Bean. Tell me."

"No. You'll laugh."

"I promise I won't."

"Yeah right."

"If I do then you can duct-tape me to a chair and put makeup on me."

I narrowed me eyes at him. "Deal."

We shook on it, and I sighed and flopped down onto the bed. "Do I have to?" I asked, staring up at the ceiling.

"Yes."

I covered my eyes with my arm. "Not much past first base," I mumbled.

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that," Lester said. I could sense the grin in his voice.

"Not much past first base," I repeated.

"You're kidding."

"Nope."

"Really?"

I could hear the laughter in his voice. I sighed. "Really. And you're laughing, so I get to give you a makeover." I sat up and looked over at Lester. He was smiling broadly. I guess he wasn't expecting that. I mean, I _was_ alsmost nineteen.

We locked eyes for a beat, and suddenly Lester lost it. He started laughing so hard he fell off the bed. Oh no he di-int. I stood up and rummaged through Lester's duffel bag. I found a roll of duct-tape and came toward Lester. He tried to fight me off but he was laughing too hard, so I got him hauled into a chair. And let me tell you, that was no easy feat.

When I was done securing him to the chair, I sat on his lap and glared at him. "See? I told you I was pathetic. And I told you you'd laugh."

Lester squashed his laugh. "I'm sorry, Jamie, I didn't mean to laugh. And it's really not that pathetic."

I snorted and got off of him. I turned, crossed my arms over my chest, and looked at him.

Lester looked me up and down. "But honestly, how could a hottie like you _not _have gone further than first?"

I rolled my eyes. We sounded like highschoolers. This was stupid. "All my boyfriends cheated on me. That's the short version. Now, let's talk about your makeover."

Lester's eyes widened. "You aren't actually serious, are you? I didn't mean to laugh, I swear, and I apologized."

I shook my head and ambled into the bathroom. "Sorry, Nessie," I called over my shoulder, "that was the agreement."

I heard Lester swear and knew he was trying to get out of his bonds. It wasn't going to be easy. Ranger had taught me how to effectively duct-tape someone to a chair and not have to worry about the person escaping. I smiled to myself. This was going to be fun.

I dug through my messenger bag for all the makeup I owned. I pulled out foundation, eye shadow, mascara, lip gloss, lipsticks of assorted colors, eye liner, nail polish of assorted colors, and perfume. I lugged it all back into the main room and dumped the load on the small table. Lester was glaring at me.

I glanced at him while I was arranging the makeup on the table. "Hey buddy, it was your idea. Don't make a bet if you can't follow through."

I squeezed some foundation on my hands and rubbed it all over Lester's face, grinning the whole time. Lester just did the death-glare thing. I lined his eyes with much difficulty. He kept blinking, which kept messing me up.

"Goddammit man, would you stop blinking!" I yelled at him.

He just blinked some more. "Well sorry, it feels like you're poking my eye out!"

Ten minutes later his eyes were sufficiently lined. I applied mascara and stood back, hands on hips, head cocked to one side.

I ginned at him. "You look hot," I said, "Guys wearing eyeliner is hot."

More death glares. I laughed and grabbed the three eye shadows that I had. Purple, blue, and a soft pink. I held them up for Lester. "Which one?" I asked.

He didn't reply, so I picked blue. It went the best with his tan skin.

I was sitting on his lap, applying lipstick when I heard the door open. I heard Tank and Ranger talking to each other, but then the talking abruptly stopped. I turned my head and looked at Tank and Ranger, whose jaws were on the floor by now. I laughed out loud. Lester's cheeks flushed and he glared even more intensely, if that was possible.

Ranger and Tank walked slow circles around Lester. They were both grinning ear-to-ear. "Jeezus, Jamie, how'd you pull this off?" Ranger asked me.

I smiled, putting the finishing touches on Lester's dark red lipstick. "We made a deal. I answered a question, he laughed, I got to give him a makeover."

Ranger and Tank cracked up. I pulled my Polaroid camera out of my bag and snapped a photo. It popped out of the camera, and I shook it until the picture appeared. There was Lester, shooting death glares at the camera, and Ranger and Tank in the background laughing their heads off. I stuck the picture and camera in my bag and turned back to Ranger and Tank.

"Where are the rest of the Merry Men?" I asked.

"They took Henderson to the station," Tank said.

"Ah. Was she easy to take down?"

Tank snorted. "Hell no, she scratched the shit out of my arm." He held up his arm and lo and behold, it was covered in white scratch marks.

"Ouch," I said.

Tank looked at Lester. "It looks like you two had fun."

I grinned. "Yeah and maybe I could do the same to you two?"

"Fuck no," Ranger and Tank said at the same time.

I stepped closer to Ranger and started tugging at the leather tie that held his hair back. "Can't I do something to your hair? Believe me, I would pick Tank except that he's got no hair."

Ranger swatted at my hand. "No, Jamie,"

I gave him the puppy-eyes look. "Pleeease?"

"No."

"I'll pay you."

He narrowed his eyes at me. "How much?"

"Umm…twenty bucks."

Ranger laughed. "I won't take anything lower than one hundred."

Hmm... "Fine," I said, "Then I'll pay you one hundred and one."

He raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

I nodded. "Yuppity doo-dah."

He considered me for a moment. "Fine," he said finally.

SWEET.

I ran into the bathroom and took stock of supplies. I dug through drawers and cabinets, looking for hair gel or something. Finally I found the jackpot. A curling iron.

"YES!" I yelled, jumping into the hair. I bounced into the main room where Ranger and Tank were talking to Lester, still duct-taped to the chair.

"TA DA!" I said, holding the curling iron triumphantly.

Ranger looked at me. "No fucking way, Jamie," he said.

I glared at him. "I told you I'd pay you, Ricky! Now sit still."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

It took me an hour to sufficiently curl his hair. Tank had freed Lester at this point, and Lester had washed all the makeup off. He'd have to live with the toe and nail polish for a while, though, because I didn't have any nail polish remover.

I stepped back from Ranger, who's hair was as curly as mine now.

"How do I look?" Ranger asked, sliding his fingers through it. I grinned and snapped a picture of him. I shook the picture until appeared, and handed it to Ranger.

"Nice," Ranger said, "When will it straighten out again?"

"When you wash it," I said, and returned the curling iron to the bathroom.

Ranger and Tank left for their room shortly after that. It was pretty late, and I was pretty pooped from so much making-over. I changed out of my jeans into a pair of Care Bear boxers and lay down under the covers of my bed and looked over at Lester, who was watching TV.

"Turn off the TV," I mumbled, pulling the covers over my head.

"In a minute, I want to see who wins."

I sighed, stood up, and shuffled across the room, and shut the TV off. I shuffled over to Lester, who was looking at me indignantly, and yanked the remote out of his hand. Then I flopped back down on my bed, the remote tucked safely in my boxers.

"That was rude," Lester said.

"Deal with it," I said, and then I went to sleep.

The marvolous End.


	5. Fun with Patty Cake

**Fun With Patty-Cake**

"Hey Ranger," I said, flicking a crumb at him, "What's Tank's real name?"

Ranger glanced at me from the monitor. "I'm not at liberty to tell you that, Jamie," he said.

"Aw, come on! I won't tell him you told me."

"No."

"Pwease?"

"Sorry."

I glared at him. "Why not?"

"Because he'd kill me."

I rolled me eyes. "You two are like, lovers. I doubt he'd ever kill you."

Ranger looked at me sharply at the 'lovers' part, but didn't answer. Fine. It was time to pull out the big guns. I knew I could convince him to tell me. I stood up off my swivel chair, pulled Ranger's chair back, and sat on his lap, straddle-style. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him for all I was worth. His arms went instinctively around my waist and held me tight. Finally I pulled back and looked him in the eyes. They were very, very dark.

"Please?" I asked again.

He sighed. I knew he couldn't resist me. "It's Patrick," he said, trying to kiss me again.

I laughed so hard I almost fell off of Ranger. My arms were still around his neck and my head was pressed into his shoulder, and my whole body was shaking from laughter. I could feel Ranger laughing as well.

Whodathunkit. Patrick? Oh lordy I was going to have fun with this.

"What's so funny?"

I looked up and saw Tank standing in the doorway.

I grinned at him. "Hi Patty-Cake," I said. His eyes narrowed.

"What did you just call me?" he asked dangerously.

I was off of Ranger at this point, edging away from Tank. "I called you Patty-Cake, Patrick. Would you rather I called you Penelope?"

He lunged at me but I was so small I could duck around him. I ran through the house, yelling "Rape!" and "Murder!" at the top of my lungs. I dove into the little room where the laundry machine and drier were, and was about to slam the door shut but Tank appeared, looking murderous.

"Aw come on, Tanky-Poo, can't you take a joke?" I said hopefully, backing up. Tank advanced on me until I hit the drier. He stared at me for a moment, probably decided how best to kill me. Finally he lifted me up, threw me over his shoulder, and opened up the drier. Fuck. He dumped me into the drier, stuffed my legs in, and slammed the door shut. The door was on top of the drier, above my head. I almost had it open until I heard something hard and heavy slam down on it. Then the door wouldn't budge.

"LET ME OUT!" I yelled.

"Apologize," Tank said from the outside.

It was pitch black in there, and I was cramped and uncomfortable. I beat on the door some more, refusing to apologize. After ten minutes I started to get a little claustrophobic.

"Fine! I'm sorry I called you Patty-Cake."

"And?"

"And I'm sorry I called you Penelope."

"And?"

"I'm sorry I stole Ranger from you; I know how much you love him." I snickered to myself.

"You just earned yourself a night in there, Jelly Bean," Tank said.

I groaned.

"You can come out if you apologize and grovel."

"Fuck no!"

"Have a nice night," Tank said, and I heard him walking away.

I harrumphed and sat back against the back of the drier. My knees were drawn up and my feet were pressed flat against the opposite side. I crossed my arms over my chest and waited. He couldn't leave me in there all night. I tried the door again, but something heavy was resting on it. Damn. I wasn't wearing a digital watch, and mine didn't have a light up button, so I didn't know how much time passed. Finally I hollered for Tank to come back, and I didn't stop yelling until I heard his voice.

"What do you want, Jamie?" he asked me.

"I'm sorry for calling you all those nasty names, I'm sorry for accusing you of being in love with Ranger, and I'm sorry for all the other crap I've ever done to you," I said.

"Hmmm…where's the groveling?"

I rolled my eyes. "O great and mightyful Tank the Huge, will you please forgive one as insignificant such as I?"

Tank was silent for a beat, considering. "Nah," he finally said,"I think I'll keep you in there all night."

I started swearing at him. I swore and yelled and screamed for ten minutes. Bastard.

Another couple of hours passed, I think. I was almost asleep when I heard metal scraping against metal and the drier door opened. I winced at the light and looked up at Ranger.

"Howdy," I said.

He smiled down at me. "I didn't think it was a good idea for you to stay in there all night. You'd probably die of boredom."

Ranger helped me out and set me on my feet.

"You're probably right," I told him.

I walked out into the kitchen with Ranger following me. Tank was sitting at the kitchen table, eating pizza. I smacked him on the head as I passed, grabbed his piece of pizza out of his hand, and sat down on a chair opposite him.

Tank looked at Ranger who had sat down next to me. "Fuck man, she's got you whipped."

Ranger smiled. I smiled. Ranger leaned over and kissed me.

"No fucking kidding," he said to Tank.

The wonderful end.


	6. The Mafia Strip Show

Just to warn y'all, some of these stories will be out of order. This particular one isn't, but there will be some when Jamie is still 17 or 18. Enjoy.

**The Mafia Strip-Show**

The last thing I remembered was a short conversation with Ranger.

"If they want to know where I am—tell them. I don't want you getting hurt because of me."

"But what if they come and kill you?"

He smiled down at me. "They won't. I'll know they're coming. I'll be prepared."

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I was duct-taped to a chair, and I couldn't remember anything that happened. Fuck.

I had just woken up to find my arms and ankles secured to a chair. My mouth was duct-taped as well, and I could feel a gag inside, clogging my air supply. The room was cold. I was still wearing Ranger's cargos and my T-shirt. My feet were bare. It was likely my weapons were gone as well. It was pitch black. The floor was hard and felt like concrete.

Someone flipped the lights on, and I winced as my pupils shrank. The room I was in was rather depressing; white walls, gray floor, plain-ass card table. No windows. The guy standing at the door was in a suit-and-tie. He had slicked back blond hair, piercing dark eyes, and was pure solid muscle. His height was between six foot six and six foot seven.

Big Foot walked over to me and ripped the tape off of my mouth. I spat out the gag and coughed. I was groggy, my head ached, and I had no idea where I was or why I was here.

"Where is he?" Big Foot asked, his accent heavily Italian.

"Who?" I asked drowsily. That earned me a slap. "FUCK! What did you—" I was interrupted with another slap.

"Where is he?" Big Foot asked again.

"I don't know who you're talking about!" I spat…and got slapped again. My head was spinning and I was seeing double. My head dropped onto my chest but Big Foot grabbed my chin and wrenched my head back up.

"Manoso. Where is he?" he yelled in my face. I squinched my eyes shut. His breath reeked of tobacco and vodka.

"Man, you need some breath mints," I said before I could stop myself. _That_ witty comment earned me a sucker punch to the gut. I hunched and coughed, trying to regain my breath.

"Tell me where he is, and you won't get harmed no more," Big Foot said, wrenched my head back up to face him.

I thought back to the last conversation I had with Ranger. He told me to tell them where he was, so I wouldn't get hurt. The only thing was, I couldn't remember where we had been. I know it was in the US somewhere. I just couldn't remember where.

"I can't remember," I said lamely. Another slap. This guy was going to knock me out.

"You lie, and you die," Big Foot snarled.

"I'm not lying, I honestly don't remember!" Slap. Ouch. I could taste blood in my mouth. This was bad. I couldn't remember. I shut my eyes again and thought hard.

"Fine," Big Foot said, "You live with no food or water for a couple days, and I'll see how you feel then." The lights shut off again.

"Wait!" I yelled "Ranger is wherever you found me!"

"Sorry girly, he wasn't there when we took you. Goodnight." I heard the door slam. Fuck.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Eons later, the lights flipped on again. I was hungry, thirsty, I had to pee, and my head throbbed like a bitch. Big Foot stood in the doorway, a big piece of pepperoni pizza in his hand. He smiled maliciously and held the pizza right in from of my face.

"You want some pizza?" He asked.

I narrowed my eyes. "I don't like pepperoni."

Slap. "OW!" My head throbbed some more.

Big Foot took a huge bite of his pizza. "You should tell me where Manoso is, girly, or I hurt you more."

"Well sorry, Big Foot, but I don't know where Manoso is." Uh oh. Did I just call him Big Foot?

Big Foot stared at me with the pizza halfway to his mouth. "What did you call me?" he growled.

I remained silent.

SMACK! "FUCK! Why did you do that? I didn't do anything to you!" SMACK!

I groaned and my head dropped onto my chest again.

Someone knocked on the door. Big Foot finished off his pizza and opened the door.

"Hey Mario, have you found out where Manoso is, yet?" said a younger sounding voice.

"No. The girl won't talk. Maybe you and the boys can _persuade_ her." Big Foot answered.

I winced. I didn't really want to be persuaded. I'd happily tell them, if I could remember. But they wouldn't believe that, so I guess I have to be persuaded.

I felt eyes on me and looked up. There was another guy in the room. He was a couple inches shorter than Big Foot and a bunch of years younger,but still older than my fun age of twenty. He had dark shaggy hair, green eyes, and was wearing the same sort of black suit-and-tie get up. Even in my captive state I noticed he was amazing looking. He also had an Italian accent, but it wasn't as heavy. My bet was the Mafia.

"She's a beauty, that's for sure," the new guy said to Big Foot, assessing me. Right back at'cha, gorgeous, I thought. "I wouldn't mind persuading her, but I wouldn't want to share."

I narrowed my eyes. That confirmed my fears; they hadn't been talking about a beating when they said 'persuasion'. No way was this guy having his way with me. Sure, maybe if it wasn't for a cruel purpose, I'd be on him like white on rice. But not under these circumstances, fuck no, not over my dead body.

"I go get the other guys. If there's more a' you, she'll talk faster," Big Foot said, and he left the room.

I continued glaring at the new guy. He just grinned at me. My glare faltered. He laughed. My glare intensified. He stepped closer to me and took my chin in his hand. I just spat on him. Another slap. Dammit, this was getting old.

"What the hell is with you people and slapping the same goddamn side over and over again? Ever heard of the left side of my face?" I yelled at him.

He stared at me for a moment, and I thought he was going to hit me again. Instead he just burst out laughing.

"You've got spunk, kid, I like that. It's a shame we'll have to kill you."

I rolled my eyes. "You aren't going to kill me."

He stared at me. "You talk big."

"If you kill me, you won't find out where Ranger is."

"We'll find out where Manoso is, and then we'll kill you."

I shook my head. "Bad idea."

The New Guy raised an eyebrow. "Why's that?"

"'Cause then you won't be able to keep me as your sex slave, which you are obviously going to do, judging by earlier comments." I was hanging by a thread here. Probably he _was_ going to keep me as his sex slave, and probably I was pissing him off.

He took a couple steps toward me, a seductive smile playing at his lips. "Do you _want_ to be my sex slave?" He asked in a deep _deep_ voice.

Yeah, like that was going to work. I narrowed my eyes. "Not particularly, no," I said, trying to keep my voice normal.

The guy stepped back and returned to his normal macho-alpha-male state. "What's your name?" he asked me.

"Jamie. What's yours?"

"Tony."

"I would shake your hand, but I can't seem to move my own."

That earned me a smile, and Tony came closer once again. He took my chin in his hand and leaned close. "What about a nice, friendly kiss?"

I was about to protest but then he kissed me. Goddamit. I hate when guys I don't know kiss me. His tongue fought its slimy way into my mouth, so I let it in. And then I bit down _hard_. Tony roared in pain and staggered back. I gagged. Tony came back toward me and I got another fist to the gut.

"That," I coughed, "was rude."

"You almost bit my tongue off. You deserved it."

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

They were all sitting around the card table, playing poker, drinking beer, and eating pizza. I was SO hungry, and SO thirsty, and SO bored, but at least I no longer had to pee. An hour ago, I promised Tony a night of fun if he let me pee. So he released me from the chair and took me to the bathroom. I figured out I was in a giant warehouse out in the middle of no-where. Tony wanted to watch me go to the bathroom, but I told him that was the creepiest thing I've ever heard of, so he let me go alone.

Sadly, I got re-taped to the chair when I was done. And now Tony, Johnny, Reggie, and Perry were all sitting around the card-table, guarding me. Mario had gone somewhere, leaving me to the evil hands of these creepy guys. Hopefully they wouldn't want to have their way with me just yet. I needed to come up with an escape plan.

"PLEASE let me play?" I begged. It had been three hours. I was so fucking bored. This is what sucked about being held captive; not having anything to do.

"Shut up Jamie," Tony said, throwing in some chips. I had been begging to play for about an hour, and I think I was winning.

"What about if we make it strip-poker…only I'm the one stripping?" I asked. Four pairs of ears perked up.

"Why not, Ton'?" Reggie asked, "She's fuckin' hot. Mebbe' we could do some stuff to her, like Mario said we could."

"Yeah, let the broad play, Antony!" said Johnny, raising his beer can.

Tony grinned at them. "Fine, fine, we'll let her play. Only if she strips for us." Tony took out his knife and cut my bonds. If he wasn't holding me captive, I probably would have hugged him.

I cracked my knuckles and sat down at the table. "Alrighty, boys, deal me in. You got no idea what you're getting into."

The first two hands I won, so I didn't have to take any clothes off. Tony had pulled out a bottle of some strong whiskey, and was nothing short of pumping it into my bloodstream. The next hand I lost, so I got up and did a slow, exaggerated motion of taking off my T-shirt. I got cheers and cat-calls and pretended they were the Merry Men, instead of creepy Mafia guys. My bra was pink with little red hearts on it. When I sat back down, Tony reached over and snapped the back. I glared at him while everyone laughed.

"You better watch it buddy boy, I said I'd strip for you. I never said you could touch me."

Tony put his arm around me, and kissed my neck. "I don't think so, beautiful. As I recall, you are at our mercy."

I elbowed him in the stomach. The guys laughed. Tony didn't look too happy. I shrugged and Perry dealt.

I lost again a little while later. Dammit. I did another show of tanking of Ranger's cargos and flinging them onto the table. By this point I was sufficiently drunk out of my mind, and didn't mind stripping for these guys. In fact, I was kinda having fun. I was even flirting with them a little. My favorite was Perry, even though Tony was the best looking of the room. I was sitting on Perry's lap, knocking back another shot and about to take off my bra when the door busted open and none other than Ricardo Carlos Manoso burst into the room.

I grinned at him and raised my shot glass. "Howdy, Ranger, wanna join the party?"

Tank appeared and told all the guys to get on the ground with their hands above their head.

Ranger ushered me out of the room and took off his T shirt, which he dropped over my head. I was a little disappointed, to tell you the truth. I had been having a good time. Oh well. I guess all good things have to come to an end. Before I could say anything, Ranger pinned me against the wall and kissed me. Abouteight hours later he stepped back and locked eyes with me. "I was worried," he said softly.

I smiled up at him. "I figured. Normally when a guy finds his girlfriend stripping for the Mafia, he gets mad."

Ranger grinned and kissed me again.

"Hey…Why're you arresting them?" I asked, watching Tank shoving Perry and Johnny out of the room. I grinned and waved at both of them. They just yelled a 'thanks' for the strip-show.

Ranger was grinning down at me. "They were holding you ransom, Jamie, how drunk are you?"

I felt my brow furrow. Ransom? "I'm not that drunk, Ricky. How much was I being held for?"

Ranger ignored the 'Ricky' and led me out of the warehouse. He didn't answer until I was tucked safely into a black SUV. "Fifty thousand. "

"Huhn."

"They sent me a picture of you tied to a chair," Ranger said, starting the engine. I looked over at him. His hands were gripping the wheel so hard his knuckles were white. "I told you to tell them where I was."

"I couldn't remember," I said truthfully.

Ranger snorted. "We were in Chicago. Now we're in Deerfield."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

I looked over at Ranger. His grip on the steering wheel was still white-knuckled. "It's not a stress ball, Carly, it's a steering wheel. You're going to rip it off if you hold it that tightly."

Ranger's hold loosened, and the color came back into his fingers. He glanced over at me. "Carly?"

I leaned my chair backwards. "It's short for Carlos, duh." And then I passed out.

**Zee END.**


	7. Stranded with Ranger

Welcome to the next instalment of the Random Adventures of Dorothy and Toto. This episode features..Jamie and Ranger...as do the rest of them. Enjoy!

**Stranded...for a Bit**

We were on another boat. But this time we were undercover. Ranger got a tip from an anonymous source that the president was going to be assassinated, and it was being organized on this boat that was setting off from Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. So Ranger landed himself and bartender job and took me with him. Now that he realized I was his secret weapon, he signed me on as a real Rangeman employee. I could sneak around the boat, an innocent girl of nineteen, and no one would pay attention to me. Okay, the assassinator, Morgan Green, had a twenty-year-old son aboard, so maybe _someone_ would be paying attention to me.

Ranger and I were aboard the _Lemon Bomb_, a 115-foot yacht. It had state of the art technology and could go 30 knots an hour. It also had state of the art criminals who could kill 30 _guys_ in an hour. Both Ranger and I had gone through _hours_ of background checks and lie-detectors to come aboard. Ranger was the bartender, and I was his sister. How he got through the lie-detectors I did not know. The only thing that was asked of me was am I really nineteen and am I really Ranger's sister. I had lied about the second one, but I guess I was calm enough to pass.

So now I was being chased around the boat by a twenty-year-old ball of hormones and ego, who was convinced that I was in love with him. Mostly I'd just roll my eyes and push him away, but he had gotten a little more demanding of late. He was following me everywhere, trying to get me to take a swim with him or a shower for that matter. I shuddered and hunkered down into the cabin I shared with Ranger.

"C'mon baby, just a little kiss? You know you want to." EW.

"Fuck off, Freddy, before I shove your gonads halfway up your throat!"

"If you don't come out, I'll tell my dad that you're a cop who's gonna bust him for assassinating the president!" He yelled through the door.

What a moron. "What are you talking about?" I yelled back.

"Uh…nothing. Never mind, forget I said anything. Listen, just let me in, Jamie, please, baby?"

I rolled my eyes. "Go away, Freddy."

"You'll pay for this, bitch," he said and I heard him walk off. Yikes.

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That night I was dining with Green, his gross son Freddy, Martin the Henchman, Green's slut of a wife Sally, and Tony the Other Henchman. Ranger was behind the bar, and other servants were walking in and out of the dining room carrying out various orders and requests.

So far neither Ranger nor I have found out much. Mostly conversation veers to politics and sports. Occasionally there would be little snippets of "have you found his location at ten o'clock?" or "will he be next to a window?" and that's when our ears pricked up. At this particular dinner, Freddy was sulking and Green was chewing him out about being a little twerp. Multiple times during their little conversation I almost spewed water all over the table from laughter. It really was hysterical.

"Freddy, sit up straight, like a man," Green scolded.

Freddy glared and straightened out his spine a fraction.

"Freddy, why don't you have a girlfriend?" Sally asked, sipping at her wine.

I snorted.

Freddy glared at me. "Because _apparently_ I'm not good enough for _some_ people."

Green and Sally looked at me. I shrugged and stayed respectfully silent.

"And why does Ms. Rodriguez think she's better than you?" Green asked, looking puzzled, "She's a woman."

Oh. No he didn't. Chauvinist pig. I could feel Ranger smiling behind me at the bar.

I glared at Green but he didn't notice me. He was too wrapped up in his men-are-SO-much-higher-than-woman world to notice a lowly _lady _like myself.

"I don't know, father, but I do know one thing. And that is that Jamie and Carlos aren't who they say they are."

I managed to look surprised at his accusation, rather than at the truthfulness of his statement.

"What are you talking about, Freddy?" Sally asked. Green was narrowing his eyes at me.

"I see them whispering to each other all the time. Just this morning they were on deck together, and I could see them _planning_."

BULLshit. I was nowhere NEAR Ranger this morning. I was asleep until noon.

I felt Ranger come up behind me and laid a hand on my shoulder. Green glared up at him.

"Mr. Rodriguez, is what my son said true?"

"I assure you it is not, Mr. Green, I was in the kitchens, helping Mr. Walters with breakfast this morning. My sister was asleep in our cabin."  
Green narrowed his eye at both of us. Ranger's hand tightened on my shoulder.

"You are dismissed, Mr. Rodriguez. Just know that I am going to be keeping an eye on you," Green said pleasantly, and turned back to his food.

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Ranger was fuming when we got to our cabin. "Why the hell did that fucking kid say that?"

I winced. Ranger doesn't swear often. I sighed heavily and slumped onto a chair. "He only said that because I won't have sex with him."

Ranger stared at me for a moment. "Then have sex with him."

I glared at him. "Fuck no. Why would I do that?"

"He could get us killed. With one word we would have anchors tied to our ankles and be dropped into the ocean. Just pretend to enjoy it."

I stared at Ranger, wondering if he was kidding or not. After a moment I decided he wasn't kidding. "I'm not losing my virginity to a creep I barely know,"

Ranger looked over at me. "You're a virgin?"

I blinked. "Yeah."

Ranger didn't answer. He was going over the tape from today. Before we set sail, Ranger installed microphones everywhere. How he's gotten past security is beyond me.

"What?" I asked incredulously, "You didn't think I was a virgin?"

"Actually, no, I didn't," Ranger answered.

I sat up a little straighter. "Why not?"

"One, because you flirty shamelessly with all of my men, two, you have no problem playing strip-poker with all of us, and three, I ambushed you in the shower, picked out up, threw you off a boat all while you were completely naked. I just assumed." He shrugged and went back to listening to the tapes.

He did have a point. "Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm shy," I said, blushing slightly.

He grinned at me. "No, you aren't. And that's one of my favorite things about you."

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Over the next few days Green, Freddy, and the other henchmen were ever where I went. I couldn't shake Freddy off, and he was getting more and more hormonal. I just kept ignoring him, but I knew that soon I would have to do something or he would rat me and Ranger out. And that wouldn't be good.

One afternoon, about a week into the trip, a meeting was scheduled. Ranger and the rest of the serving staff were told not to go into the dining room for anything other than an emergency. There were two henchmen outside the door. Ranger and I were in our cabin, trying to figure out a way to listen in. We wouldn't be able to get the microphones on tapes to listen to until it was too late, so we needed a find a way.

"You could seduce the henchmen," I said.

Ranger looked over at me. "You're kidding, I assume?"

"Well who knows if they're gay or not."

Ranger shook his head and stood up. "The only thing we can do is knock them unconscious." He dug through a drawer in the bureau and pulled out two stun guns.

"Jeez," I said, accepting the stun-gun Ranger handed me, "how did you get these on board without anyone noticing?"

Ranger smiled. "If I told you, I'd have to kill you."

I rolled my eyes. Ranger's face turned serious. "This is what we'll do. You go from one side, I'll go from the other. After stunning the guards, I'll bring them here and lock them in. You stay and listen through the door. I've already tested out how much sound comes through the door, and it's a lot, so I think you'll be okay."

I nodded and we set off. Ranger took the port side, I took starboard side. I came up beside one of the henchmen. "Hi," I said cheerily.

They just stared at me. And then they went back to staring straight ahead. Um, can you say stupid? I reached out and easily stunned the guy closest to me. The other guy stood, dumbstruck, as his colleague fell to the floor. He stared at me for a beat too long. Ranger was already behind him, pressing the stun gun to his neck.

"Take that!" I said triumphantly.

Ranger smiled. "I'm going to drag this guy back to our room," he said, taking a hold of the henchman's jacket, "You stay here and if the other one wakes up, stun him again."

I saluted Ranger as he disappeared around the corner. I pressed my ear to the door and listened. I could hear everything. Ranger came back a few minutes later and took the other henchman. By this time I was on my knees with my head resting on the door. I heard footsteps, assuming it was Ranger. I opened my eyes and looked up at him.

Except that it wasn't Ranger. It was Freddy.

He sneered at me. "What do you think you're doing, _Jamie_?"

"I'm…ah…looking for my earring," I said, getting up. I dusted off my skirt and tried to look innocent.

"So why were you listening through the door?" He asked, eyes narrowed.

I managed mild surprise. "Listening through the door? I was just resting for a minute. I didn't even realize it was a door," I said, looking at the door in bewilderment. "The earrings were a gift from my grandmother. I don't want to lose them." Sometimes I lie so well I scare myself.

"I'm going to tell my father you were listening to his secret plans."

I felt my eyes widen. SHIT. "No! Don't do that! Carlos and I will be fired and we won't be able to feed our family!"

He laughed maliciously. "That's too bad, Jamie, I guess you should have slept with me." He reached around me to get the door handle, probably to open it and yell 'look who I found!', but before he could get any farther I grabbed him by his shirt and kissed him.

Half a second later I found myself pinned to the wall to the side of the door, being felt up by the creepy son of an assassin. I shoved him away from me before his hands got into my bra.

Freddy stared at me for a second and came at me again, but I stuck my hands out to stop him.

"Maybe if you don't tell anyone about finding me here I'll let you go farther," I said, holding him back.

I could hear the gears working in his head. What was more important: Sex, or keeping your father's secrets? Hm…tough one, that was. Freddy nodded and stepped back. I started to move away from him but he grabbed me and crushed me against him again.

"And when do I get to go farther?" He asked, futilely trying to be seductive.

"When we get off the boat, back in Cabo, okay?"

He considered me for a moment. "Fine," he said finally. He stepped away from me and disappeared right as Ranger came back.

Ranger stared at me for a beat. He took in the slightly swollen lips, indignant look, and ruffled shirt. He raised an eyebrow.

"Freddy," I said, "He caught me, but promised not to tell when I said I'd sleep with him."

Ranger nodded. We listened a while longer, and pretty much figured out how they were going to do it. The instant we heard chairs squeaking and footsteps we beat it out of there and went back to the cabin Ranger dragged the henchmen out and dumped them around the corner. Hopefully we wouldn't be suspected of doing anything sneaky.

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The rest of the day was quiet. I stayed in the cabin, and Ranger carried out his bartenderly duties. That night we were both invited to dinner. I thought this was a little strange, because usually it's just me, and Ranger stays behind the bar. But Green told us that we've worked hard enough, and that we deserved some relaxation. He served us drinks and food, and was generally cheerful. Ranger and I were on full alert, knowing that he wasn't being nice for no reason.

After a tense dinner Ranger and I retreated back to the cabin.

"That was really weird," I said to Ranger through the bathroom door. I had taken a shower and was changing into a pair of Ranger's sweats and a tank top.

"Something is going on," Ranger said, "I don't think we're safe anymore."

I cam out of the bathroom pulling a brush through my hair. "Why not?" I asked.

"Green was being too nice to us. Too carefree."

I sat down on the bed next to Ranger. "Well I guess we'll find out why soon enough, right?"

"That's what I'm afraid of," Ranger said grimly.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I fell asleep pretty easily that night. But when I woke up I knew I wasn't in our cabin. Partly because when I opened my eyes I was staring at the bright blue sky. And then there was the fact that when I sat up I noticed I was on a little beat up boat, surrounded by the bright blue ocean. FUCK.

I looked around to take stock of the situation. My messenger bag was resting next to me, I was still wearing the sweats and tank, and Ranger was still sound asleep on the other end of the little boat, still only wearing the black boxers he wore to bed. I crawled over a bench in the middle and shook Ranger.

"What, Jamie?" He mumbled, batting me away.

"Ranger, wake up," I said.

He opened one eye. "Fuck," he said.

"That was my reaction."

Ranger sat up and looked around. "I guess now we know why Green was being so nice," he said.

"Yep."

We sat in silence for a while. There wasn't really anything to talk about. Ranger didn't have a phone or a radio to contact any of the Merry Men. I had a cell phone, but there was no signal out here in the big blue.

"Well now what?" I asked.

"I guess we wait until we hit land," Ranger said, leaning back against the side of the boat.

"Or starve," I said, looking over at him.

Ranger nodded. This definitely wasn't good.

The sun beat down on us, the wind whipped past us, and the waves knocked our little boat around. The boat had a motor on it, but it was completely wrecked. Hours passed and I started getting hungry and thirsty. I dug through my messenger bag and came up with five stale granola bars, an old half bottle of water, and some hard candy. Ranger said to save the hard candy until we ran out of water, because sucking on something made more saliva which would do well enough to quench our thirst. I divided the granola bars between us, and we ate one apiece. Ranger suggested trying my cell phone to see if we had signal, but there was none. Dammit.

"What happens when we run out of food and water?" I asked Ranger.

He just looked at me. "Don't think about the future, Jamie, just think about now."

That was a good idea. If I thought about it anymore I think I would go crazy.

Mostly we just sat in silence. We played cards silently. We slept. We gazed across the never-ending expanse of blue water. We bonded without having to speak. The day oozed by, drippinggunk as it went. I was so bored; I thought I was going to go nutso.

As night fell, I felt a drop of rain. Shee-it. Three minutes later it was pouring. The waves were stronger and I heard thunder in the distance. I shoved my messenger bag under an overhang at the very end of the boat, drew my knees up and wrapped my arms around myself. I looked over at Ranger through the onslaught of water, and saw that he was in a similar position. He was just wearing boxers, and was probably shivering to death at this point. Hopefully the rain won't last long. I put my head down and I tried to think warm thoughts.

"Jamie," Ranger hollered over the pounding rain.

I looked up. Ranger crooked his finger at me in a 'come here' gesture. I crawled over the bench in the middle of the boat and sat in front of Ranger. He reached out, grabbed me and wrapped his arms around, pulling me into him.

"We need to stay warm," he said into my ear, "Just don't fall asleep."

I didn't think that was possible, anyway. I was too cold and wet. But with Ranger's arms around me it got a little warmer. I scooted closer to him and brought my knees up, so I was curled up between his legs. I rested my head on his bare shoulder and relaxed.

In that instant I fell in love.

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When I woke up the first thing I noticed was that we weren't moving. I wiggled out of Ranger's arms and looked over the side of the boat. Sand. I yawned and stretched and poked Ranger's shoulder until he woke up.

"What's up?" Ranger asked.

"We hit land," I said, standing up. I stretched again and jumped out of the boat. I was still wearing the sweats and tank-top, and they were still soaked. I rolled up my sweats a little so they wouldn't get sandy and tromped down the beach. Ranger followed suit.

It wasn't raining anymore, thank God, and the sun was shining bright. Our boat had washed up on a little island. It was covered in rough grass, palm trees, banana tress, and sand. Ranger and I flopped down on the warm sand to dry off.

"This reminds of Pirates of the Caribbean," I mumbled drowsily.

"Maybe we'll meet Jack Sparrow," Ranger answered.

I smiled. "That would be so amazing. That man is so sexy."

Ranger laughed.

"Not as sexy as you, though," I said turning my head to face him.

Ranger grinned at me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A while later Ranger dragged me up from the nice warm sand and said we should look for food. I groaned and reluctantly walked beside him.

"Fine, Jelly Bean, but if I find some food I'm not sharing," Ranger said, glancing over at me. I glared at him and stuck my tongue out. He just laughed at me. Butthead.

The island wasn't very big, maybe a mile-square, but there were some bananas and cocoanuts growing in the trees. With a boost from Ranger I shimmied up the banana tree and using my knife, cut off a huge bunch. Then we simultaneously kicked a palm tree until cocoanuts fell down. It was kinda hard 'cause neither of us was wearing shoes, but we managed okay.

That night we ate cooked bananas and built a huge bonfire, using my lighter. Ranger managed to crack one of the cocoanuts open and we ate some of those as well.

"Too bad we don't have any rum," I said, leaning against his shoulder.

I felt Ranger smile. "I don't think I could control myself if I got drunk on rum," he said.

I sat up and looked at him. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that we're alone on this little island and you're looking incredibly sexy right now, so it's good that there's no form of alcohol."

I snorted. Me looking sexy? Psha. My hair was a wreck; I was wearing sweaty, salty, grimy sweat-pants and a sweaty, salty, grimy tank top. There was no way in the fiery depths of hell that I looked sexy. He should talk, anyway. Just in those black silk boxers.

"You should talk, Mr. I Smile And Women Faint," I said, raising an eyebrow at him.

He grinned at that statement, but then the grin faded a little. "I hate that, you know, that women throw themselves at me."

"You'd think it would be a big ego boost," I said, nibbling on some banana.

"It was when I was younger, and I used it to my advantage. But then the girlfriend-of-the-week got pregnant, and I realized maybe I was a little stupid."

I grimaced. "Yikes. What happened?"

Ranger stared into the fire. "I suddenly had a kid. We got married. Things went down hill from there."

"Didn't like each other very much?" I asked, looking at him.

Ranger smiled a little, but it wasn't a happy smile. "It was less than 'very much'. I tried to make it work, but in the end, she found other men to entertain her."

"Bitch," I said, eyes narrowed. What woman in her right mind would cheat on Ranger. This is _Ranger_, the Cuban sex god, we're talking about. I didn't even know her, and I wanted to claw her eyes out.

I felt Ranger chuckling beside me. "You're going to ignite the sand if you keep glaring at it like that, Jamie."

I jumped out of my Kill The Bitch trance and looked at Ranger again. "What happened your kid?"

"There was a nasty battle for custody. Tiffany used my job against me. She said Jasmine could be in danger and I wouldn't be home enough to take care of her. I thought that was bullshit, and told it to the judge. After my little outburst, the court ruled that I wasn't allowed to see Jasmine unless I had Tiffany's consent."

"Didn't Jasmine get some say?"

Ranger shook his head. "She was only four at the time. She didn't know what was going on, and when the judge asked her if I was a good father, she said 'daddy only comes home sometimes'."

Ouch.I winced."I bet that was torture."

Ranger started down into the sand. "It was. Tiffany hates my guts so you can guess how much I get to see my daughter."

We sat in silence. What a shocker. Ranger has a daughter? That's a surprise. "How old is she now?"

"Just turned six. I was there for her birthday party."

So that's where he had disappeared to…I smiled. "Was she happy to see you?"

Ranger grinned. "Ecstatic. She was bouncing off the walls. I hadn't seen her since she turned five."

"Aw. That's so cute."

Ranger turned to me and smiled. I smiled back. Ranger's eye darkened. I got a little nervous. His hands reached out and wrapped around my waist. He pulled me close to him. We were so close our noses were almost touching. My heart was thumping at epic speeds, and Ranger was staring deep into my soul. I didn't know weather to be happy about this, or scared out of my mind.

Then he kissed me.

When the kiss ended I scooted a little away from him, still nervous as hell. "Wow," I said, slightly breathless.

A smile tugged at the corners of Ranger's mouth. "We should probably go to sleep. I know you're exhausted and so am I."

My mind was still on that kiss. "Uh…what?"

That earned me full blown laughter. Ranger stood up and hauled me up with him. "Let's go find us some shelter."

I trailed behind him, wondering about the kiss. Did that even happen? Was I just dreaming? Man, he was a good kisser.

"Earth to Jamie," Ranger said, wrenching me out of my Ranger-thoughts.

"Uh…what?" I said, again.

"I said—here are some big banana leaves we can cover ourselves with. It's getting cooler."

"Uh…okay." I said, and took thehuge leaves he handed me. I followed him back to our bonfire. Ranger flopped down on the sand and pulled a couple of the leaves over him. He was right, it was getting cooler. I wasn't that cold, but there was a breeze that made me shiver. And I bet Ranger was freezing. I laid down next to him and draped some leaves over myself. I went to sleep with my mind still fixed on the kiss.

I guess sometime in the middle of the night Ranger had grabbed me 'cause when I woke up I was wrapped up in his arms. Yum. I just smiled and snuggled into him. My banana leaves had fallen off and I was halfway under Ranger's. I opened my eyes and looked up at him.

"I never thought sleeping on the beach, under leaves would be so much fun," I said.

Ranger grinned and gave me a squeeze. "I've done it before, so it's nothing special."

Then he kissed me again. This time wasn't as scary. I even kissed back this time. Ranger was a wonderful kisser.

"Mmmm yummy," I mumbled, closing my eyes again.

I felt Ranger laugh softly.

My stomach growled, and Ranger laughed harder. He sat up and pulled me up with him. "Let's go find something to eat."

Ranger and I got more bananas and cocoanuts. We sat down again on the beach and ate in silence.

"Does your cell have any signal yet?" Ranger asked me. I reached into my sweatpants pocket and extracted my cell phone. No signal.

"Nope," I said, biting a banana.

"Maybe on another part of the island," Ranger said, looking around.

The rest of the day was spent trying to find a cell signal. We finally found one when I climbed up a palm tree and sat on top.

"Who should I call?" I yelled down at Ranger.

"Tank."

"How will he know where we are?"

"There's a GPS tracker on your phone. Once we call him, he'll know there's a signal and he'll be able to find us."

"Alrighty then."

I dialed Tank's number and waited. "JAMIE!" Tank yelled.

"TANKY-POO!" I yelled back.

"Where the hell are you and Ranger? I tried to call both of you! Did you find anything out?"

"Yeah, listen, Ranger and I aren't on the boat anymore…"

"I figured. What happened?"

"We kinda got…caught…and…abandoned on a little boat…and now we're on this little deserted island."

"I've got a signal. You're in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico." (A/N I know there aren't any islands in the Gulf o' Mexico…but pretend there are).

"Hurray!" I yelled, pumping my fist into the air. Time to get off this God-forsaken island! I looked down at Ranger and gave him a thumbs-up. Well, maybe the whole 'God-forsaken island' thing was an exaggeration. At least Ranger was here.

I slid down the palm tree and launched myself at Ranger. We landed in the sand…me on top. Ranger grinned and put his hand on the back of my head, pushing my face down so he could kiss me. I rolled off of him before it could go any further and landed on my back on the sand.

"That was fun," I said.

"Yeah," Ranger answered.

"But now it's time to go back to the real world," I sighed.

"Too bad," Ranger said and wrapped an arm around me.

-----------------------

The….end-filled end!


	8. Jack's Back

HOORAY! An update! Sorry about that folks, really, I am. Well anywho, this story takes place a year after Jamie meets Ranger. Enjoy.

**Jack's Back**

I was walking down the streets of Chicago, Illinois, when suddenly there was a gunshot from one of the passing cars. I instinctively threw myself to the ground. I ducked just in time too, since the window behind me shattered. The store owner came running out, asking if everyone was okay. People were running around screaming. I was just lying on the sidewalk, gun drawn, eyes trained on the red Volvo cruising down the street away from us. I knew that car. Jack Summer. He finally found me.

Ten minutes later police cars swerved to the curb, followed by an ambulance. Everyone in the vicinity was checked over, and the most major wound was a cut from the store window. A couple pieces had hit me in the cheek, but I was okay. I was just glad I wasn't dead. My cell phone started playing the theme song to Mario.

"Howdy Ranger," I said into the phone.

"I heard about the gunshots. Are you okay?" Every Rangeman-issued cell phone has a tracking device in it, so everybody knows where everybody is at all times.

"I'm okay. Those bullets were meant for me, though."

Ranger was silent for a moment. "Summer?"

"Yup."

"Do you need a ride?"

I looked down the street at where I had parked my car. The tires were completely flat. "Yup."

"Tank is closer. He'll be there in five," Ranger said and then he hung up.

I was answering police questions when a black SUV pulled to the curb. An officer stopped Tank as he was getting out of car and asked for ID. Tank showed him, pointed at me, and said something to the cop. The cop nodded and let Tank go.

"Ranger tells me Jack's back," Tank said to me.

I looked up at him. That man was freakishly tall. "Yup. And it seems he still isn't too happy about the whole briefcase full of money deal."

Tank's mouth twitched. Tank doesn't smile much. He glanced at the cop. "Are you done here?" he asked me.

The cop nodded so I said yes and followed Tank back to the SUV. We drove to the Rangeman office and met Ranger in the parking lot.

"Howdy buddy," I said to Ranger.

He looked at my cheek. "You might want to get a band-aid on that," he said.

I touched my cheek and my finger came back red. "Ah. Yeah, I guess I should."

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Twenty minutes later I was sitting across from Ranger in his penthouse apartment, eating mouth-water Chinese.

"Summer is looking for you," Ranger said through an egg roll.

I grimaced. "Does this mean your holding me on house arrest?"

"Yes."

"Butthead."

"I don't want him beating the shit out of you again. That wasn't pretty, and I had to clean you up."

I flicked some rice at him. "No you didn't! Bobby did."

Ranger wiped the rice off his face and threw a noodle at me. "Yeah, but I lugged you all the way back to the car that _you_ stole from me."

I rolled my eyes. "If you had just let me keep the damn car, I wouldn't have gotten the shit beat out of me, and you wouldn't have had to lug me back to the car."

Ranger reached out, cricked an arm and around my neck, and messed up my hair with his other hand. "Yeah but then we wouldn't have become such great friends," He said with a grin.

I pushed his arm off me. "Well then stop whining about me stealing your car."

Ranger laughed and resumed eating. We sat in silence for a few minutes.

"In any case, you aren't leaving the building alone."

"What if I'm going to buy girlie things?"

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Like what?"

"Like tampons and pads and makeup and—"

Ranger interrupted. "Than you take Hector. He's gay and won't mind."

I shook my head. "You're a nutcase."

"Takes one to know one," Ranger said, taking a sip of water.

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The next morning I rolled off of Ranger's couch and padded into the kitchen. I rummaged through the cupboards to find something decent to eat, knowing it was futile. Ranger was a health-nut, plain and simple. So I calledTank and asked him to get me some pie.

"Pie?" Tank asked incredulously. "At this hour? It's six-thirty!"

"Please, Tanky? Please? I really need some pie."

Tank groaned. It sounded like I had just woken him up. "Can't you get your own pie? You have a car."

"Ranger has me on house arrest. Come on, Tinkerbell, I'll make it worth your while."

"You did _not_ just call me Tinkerbell."

I rolled my eyes. "Deal with it. Go get me some pie. And make it peach, okay? Thanks Tank, you're the best." And then I dropped the phone back on the receiver.

"Were you just asking Tank to get you some pie?" Ranger asked from the doorway. He was leaning one arm on the doorjamb, the other hanging at his side. He was dressed in just black silk boxers, riding low on his hips.

"Christ," I said, staring at him, "That shouldn't be legal. You'll have women fainting all over the place, falling down wells and off roofs."

Ranger laughed and turned back towards his bedroom. "Call me when the pie gets here."

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Tank arrived half an hour later with my peach pie. "Here," he said, "You owe me $12.99."

I smiled at him and took the box from him. "Aw, Tanky, I thought you were doing this out of the kindness of your heart. I didn't know I'd have to pay you back."

Tank followed me into the kitchen. "You said you'd make it worth my while. I assumed that meant you'd pay me back."

I set the pie on the counter and turned back to Tank. I stood there, considering for a moment. I came to a decision, grabbed Tank by the front of his shirt and kissed him.

"Does that count?" I asked when I was done.

Tank stared at me for a beat. "Fine."

I smiled again and turned back to my pie. I took a fork out of the drawer, opened the pie box, and dug in.

"Don't I get some?" Tank asked.

I scooped some peaches and crust onto my fork and held it out to Tank.

"Am I interrupting something?" Ranger asked right as Tank was taking the bite off my fork. He was dressed this time in a coal black suit and tie. Tank was in the same kind of get-up.

"Yeah, jeez, Ranger, we just want some privacy. Can't you respect that?" I said, taking another bite of pie.

Ranger grinned at me and took my fork. He took some of the pie and looked over at Tank. "I can't believe you actually got her a pie."

Tank shrugged. "I got a kiss out of it."

Ranger glanced at me and I just smiled.

"We've got a meeting with a client in an hour. It's over on the other side of town so we better get going."

Ranger grabbed his gun from the counter and slipped it into his suit jacket. He grabbed his pager, wallet, and cell phone and then turned to me.

"Jamie."

"Yes?"

He crossed his arms over his chest. "No leaving."

"Yes sir."

He narrowed his eyes. "I mean it, kid. Don't leave this building."

I tugged on Ranger's tie. "Don't worry, Mr. Worry-Wart, even if I do leave, I'll be fine." He knew I would leave; I just didn't want to hide it.

Ranger shook his head. "Fine. If you get kidnapped don't bother calling me."

I grinned at him. "Alrighty, I'll just call Tank."

Ranger smiled. And then they left.

I sighed and finished off the pie. Today was going to be boring, and I needed to figure out a way to leave.

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Two hours later I was handcuffed to a chair in the control room. Lester had caught me sneaking out a first-floor window and hauled me back inside, informing me that Ranger told him to handcuff me to something if necessary. I was glaring at him running a case file through a search program. The first ten minutes of my captivity I yelled and cursed and threatened and bribed. Then Lester duct-taped my mouth shut. Bastard.

"Mmmmph." I said. I really had to pee. REALLY BADLY.

"Shut up, Jamie," Lester said, staring intently at the screen.

"MMMPH." This time was higher pitched. I was desperate.

Lester cut his eyes to me. I gave him a look of desperation and crossed my legs hard.

"You have to pee?" He asked.

I nodded frantically. Lester stood up, stretched, and stepped behind my chair. He undid the cuffs, hauled me to my feet, and dragged me to the bathroom. He shoved me inside, yelling at me not to try anything funny.

I yanked the tape off my mouth and threw it away. I did my business, flushed the toilet, and looked around the bathroom. Window near the ceiling. Bingo.

I was halfway out the window when I heard the door to the bathroom crash open. Lester swore and grabbed my feet, but I struggled and struggled and kicked free. I fell the six feet to the ground and landed on my shoulder, making sure a rolled.

"Ow." I groaned. I stood up, using the wall for support, dusted myself off, and looked around for my car. It was a Rangeman issued black BMW. I huffed it down the street to the BMW, slid into the driver's seat, and started the car. I checked out my rearview mirror and saw Lester running down the street, so I gunned it, grinning to myself. Mostly I was disobeying Ranger just for giggles, and not to make him mad or anything. I'd be back for dinner, and Ranger would find me safe and sound in his apartment.

I headed over to the mall, thinking I needed some new clothes. I had swiped Lester's credit card when he was dragging me to the bathroom, and I was thinking he wouldn't mind if I used it.

I cruised into the mall parking lot, looking for Jack's car. I hadn't seen it following me, so I guessed he didn't know where I was. The mall wasn't crowded at this time in the morning. People would start filtering in in an hour or so, and I figured if Jack was looking for me at the mall, he'd go later.

I stopped in and made purchases inGap, Old Navy, Nordstrom's, Macy's, and Victoria's Secret. I may be working for a mercenary in a security company, but I was still a seventeen-year-oldgirl. I lugged all my bags to the food court and dumped them on a table. There was Chinese, Subway, Japanese, pizza, hotdogs, and a sandwich place to choose from. I was slowly making a decision when all the hairs on my neck stood up and a warm presence appeared behind me.

"I thought I told you not to leave," Ranger said.

I turned my head to look at him. He was still in the business suit, but the tie was gone and the first three buttons on his shirt were unbuttoned.

"I'm trying to figure out what to eat. What do you think?"

Ranger steered me towards the Subway. "Wait, what about my bags?" I asked.

"They'll be fine," Ranger said.

I got a pizza sub and Ranger got ham and turkey on wheat. I got chips and a soda, and we carted our trays back to my table.

"Lester says you have to pay his next credit card bill," Ranger said, swiping one of my chips.

"I bought him a T-shirt. That should cover it."

Ranger glanced at me but didn't answer. I was thinking that he was mad at me.

"Hey I'm okay aren't I?"

"I told you not to leave."

"You knew I wouldn't obey that."

Ranger finished off his sub and peeked inside the Victoria's secret bag. They'd been having a sale so I bought five new pairs of panties and a new bra. I'd also bought a camisole and a thong.

"Nice," Ranger said, pulling out the thong. It was red and lacy, with black pinstripes. I snatched the thong out of his hand and stuffed it back into the bag.

"Thanks," I mumbled, slightly embarrassed.

Ranger laughed at me and stood up. "Let's go back to the office."

We threw our trash away and I grabbed my bags. I followed Ranger out to the parking lot and stuffed my bags into my car.

"I'll follow you back," I said.

Ranger eyed for a beat me but conceded. "You better be following me the whole way, kiddo, or I'm going to hunt you down."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know," I said and slid into the driver's seat.

I turned right out of the parking lot, following Ranger's SUV. We cruised down the street for a few minutes, took a few turns, but then we were held up by road work. Ranger got to go, but then the flagger directed me on a detour. I turned left and went down the roadthat eventually took me out of the city. I started to get a little worried when I noticed a big blue truck following me, but Ireminded myself that he was sent on the detour route also.

Ranger called my cell phone a minute later. "Where are you?" He asked.

"I'm on a road somewhere. There was a detour. I expect I'll be coming back into the city soon," I said.

"Alright. If you aren't back at Rangeman at three o'clock, I'm coming after you."

"See ya," I said and disconnected. It was two-thirty. I had half an hour.

The truck that was behind me was suddenly right beside me, and kept crashing into the side of my BMW. I honked a couple of times and swerved out of the way, but to no avail. The bastard kept crashing into me. I stomped on the breaks, something he wasn't expecting me to do, and the truck went flying forward. I slammed the BMW into reverse and took off backwards. The guy in the truck had good reflexes. The truck went into reverse and chased after me, managing to slam into the front of my car.

"FUCK!" I yelled. I tried to drive around him, but he somehow managed to get to my side again and slam me off the road. The car went flying down off the road, crashing through trees and bushes. I was being bounced around, and I tried to curl up in a ball so I wouldn't get hurt to bad. Finally the bouncing stopped when the BMW slammed into a tree. The airbag went off, slapping me in the face, and I fought with my seat belt to try to get out. I was pretty sure I knew the driver of the blue truck.

I got my seatbelt undone and my door open and I tumbled out of the car into the bushes. I laid there for a moment, trying to get reoriented, when a familiar evil face appeared overhead.

Jack Summer.

I had my hand on my knife but he already had a gun out. "Get up," he said.

I did as I was told. I didn't want to piss him off. I wanted Ranger to come and find me.

Jack's arm swung out and pain blasted through my head. Everything went black.

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When I woke up I knew I was fucked. Not literally, thank god. I was once again attached to a chair, but this time it wasn't fun. By the smell and the darkness I could tell I was in a basement. My head hurt like the devil and my wrists throbbed from being tied behind me. I could only guess where I was.

The light flipped on and Jack appeared at the bottom of a wooden staircase.

"We meat again," he said, walking towards me.

My mouth wasn't duct-taped shut like I thought it would be, so I spoke up. "Indeed."

"You know I'm still pissed about you stealing all my money, you bitch."

"I assumed so, from the chair and all," I said, glaring at him, "And I think you should let it go."

He slugged me across the face. I groaned and my head dropped to my chest.

"I think I need to get revenge, first," he said.

"I thought you already got revenge in the bathroom stall," I said weakly. I really needed to stall time. I needed to give Ranger enough time to find me. I had no idea what time it was, but I figured it was past three.

"That was just the beginning. I was going to come back, but when I did you were gone, so I decided to look for you."

"And you found me."

"Yup."

I closed my eyes. No doubt about it—I was royally fucked. I heard Jack moving around. I heard him pick something up, something that sounded a lot like metal. I opened one eye and looked at him. He was holding a knife. _My_ knife. The dirk I got from a Scottish guy in Scotland. The bastard was going to cut me up with my own knife. What a shitface.

"Are you ready for my revenge?" Jack asked me, coming closer.

I didn't answer him. I just braced myself.

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I woke up again, except that time I wished I hadn't. Every single body part was screaming in agony. Probably when Ranger found me he wouldn't even recognize me. I wasn't in the chair anymore. Jack had taken the liberty to let me have a chance at fighting back. I had almost got the better of him, but then the filthy cheater threw the chair at me and it all went to hell. Literally. I was in hell right now. I knew I had broken ribs. I knew my wrist was broken, as well. And I knew that I wasn't going to survive too long, much less stay conscious.

I heard more footsteps. The pounding of boot against wood was killing my already near dead head. I closed my good eye. I heard the cock of a gun.

"Ready to die, Jamie?" Jack asked me.

FUUUUCK. Shit, this was NOT how I am suppose to die. I am supposed to die skydiving, rafting down a waterfall, or spelunking. _NOT_ being shot by a fucking coward who I stole money from.

There was a gunshot, but it sounded distant. There was a clatter, and rush of boots across concrete, and it sounded like Jack was climbing out a window. Well, how about that. I heard a door crashing open. I groaned. Fucking door. I heard more pounding of boots on stairs, and I groaned again. Fucking boots. I opened my good eye to see Ranger standing over me. I was safe now. I could pass out now. And that's exactly what I did.

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I opened my good eye. White was everywhere. Slowly my other senses synced up, and I heard beeping. I felt the linen bedsheets. I smelled…hospital.

I groaned. I was thirsty as hell. I really need water. "Uhn…"

"Go back to sleep, Jamie," Ranger whispered. He was holding onto my hand, rubbing his thumb across my fingers.

"Uhn…" I was trying to say water, but my vocal cords weren't working.

"You need rest, Jamie, go to sleep."

"Mmm…Wuh…" Got the W sound down, maybe I could make the T sound.

"Wuh…Tuh…" I was exhausted, but I was thirsty.

"Water?" Ranger asked.

"Mmmmm…" I said happily. I watched Ranger getting up out of the corner of my eye. I watched him grab a cup and a pitcher, fill the cup, and stick a bendy straw into it. He held the straw to my lips. I sucked a little, but it hurt like a bitch so I stopped and slumped deeper into the pillows.

"Go to sleep," Ranger said.

"Mmm…kay…" I said and slid once again into the wonderful world of unconsciousness.

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When I woke up again I was feeling a lot better, relatively. I wasn't in agony anymore. The pain killers had kicked in. The only thing I was now was hungry as sin.

Ranger laughed softly when he heard my stomach growl. He grabbed a sandwich off my bedside table and held it out to me. I carefully lifted my left arm, the one without a cast, and took hold of the sandwich. I was propped up on a bunch of pillows so eating it wasn't too much trouble. I chewed slowly, my jaw adjusting to movement again.

Ranger was watching me intently. My good eye swiveled to look at him, and I sent him a small, quick smile. He smiled back, but it didn't reach his eyes.

"I came down those stairs and saw you on the floor and I thought you were dead," he said quietly.

I swallowed the chunk of turkey sandwich. "It's hard to kill me," I said weakly.

Ranger smiled again, and this time his eyes were smiling too.

"We couldn't find Jack. It looked like he took off into the woods again, but getting you to the hospital was more important."

I nodded, and then shut my eye. Note to self: do not nod head. I finished the sandwich and opened my eye again. "Sorry," I said.

Ranger stared at me for a while. "Just be careful next time, okay?"

"Okay."

I sighed contently and closed my eye, wondering about Ranger. I'd only known him for a year, but he was already putting up with me this much? From the way over five o'clock shadow and the rumpled, bloodstained clothes I could tell he'd been here for a while. I guess he liked me.

"What happened to all my new clothes?" I asked.

I felt Ranger smile. "I figured you'd want those, so I sent Bobby down to retrieve them form your car."

I winced. "Sorry about the car."

"It can be replaced."

I snorted. "Only you, Ranger, only you."

EEEEEEEEEND.


	9. Not Quite a Sin

**Not Quite a Sin**

Omigod. What did I just do? I glanced at Ranger over the rim of my coffee cup. He smiled at me, and I blushed like there was no tomorrow.

I, Jamie Plum, age 20,had just lost my virginity to the one and only Ricardo Carlos Manoso. I slept with Batman. Holy shitballs of fire.

I remembered the night before perfectly. It all started when I had just taken a shower and I was coming out of the bathroom with a towel on and nothing more. I was looking for my clothes, and I had passed Ranger who was sitting at a table on his laptop. I found what I was looking for and headed back to the bathroom. I had turned to close the door, only finding myself face to face with Ranger. He has asked me if I was still a virgin. I had said no. Then he had pulled the towel off me and said not for long.

And now I was sitting at the kitchen table next to Ranger, the morning after. It was a booth table in the corner of the kitchen. Ranger had gotten up early and made waffles and coffee. I glanced at him again, and earned me another smile. The whole morning I hadn't said a word. I was so in love with Ranger that I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would be spilling out my heart and soul to him, and that wouldn't be good. So I kept my mouth shut, only occasionally glancing at him.

"You had to lose it at some point, Jamie," Ranger said suddenly, making me jump about a foot in the air.

I coughed. "Yes, well, ah, I didn't think I'd be losing it to _you_." I said, blushing again. Damn I hated being this embarrassed.

Ranger reached over to me, wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me close to him. He kissed me softly on the lips.

"Are you sorry you did?" he asked softly.

God, no. I was in freaking heaven. "Not particularly, no," I said, laying my head on his shoulder.

I felt him smile and he kissed the top of my head. We stayed like that for a moment, and Ranger spoke up again.

"Tank and Lester will be arriving soon. We have a job in Venice tonight. Are you going to be up for it?"

I closed my eyes. I'd do anything for him at this point. I'd run through a swamp filled with landmines, piranhas, and rabid badgers for him. "Mm..yeah.." I sighed.

Ranger gave my shoulder a squeeze. "Good."

The silence went on for a while, but then I heard a car pull up in the gravel driveway. I would have moved, but I was wrapped in a euphoric bubble and couldn't seem to get my body to work. I heard the front door open. Tank andLestercalled out greetings and found me and Ranger in the kitchen.

Tank's grin was wide, and Lester's was wider. "What the hell happened _here_ last night?" Lester asked.

I glared at him and sat up, scooting away from Ranger. "I'm going to go shower, and I'm locking the door." I said to the room. I smacked Lester on the head as I passed him, and closed the bedroom door after myself.

"Nice," I heard Ranger say.

"Man, I knew this was going to happen soon. You couldn't keep your eyes off her, and now apparently it's your hands, too," Tank said.

I smiled to myself. He was absolutely, positively, one hundred percent right.

**_Finis_**


	10. The Life Saving Congo

_Hey kids, here's another update! Woot! Anywho, as you will find out, I researched a lot for this chapter. I apologize if any of the information about the rainforest or the Mbuti (pronounced EM-booty)are inaccurate. Some things I made up for the purpose of the story, likethe bell tied around Jamie's ankle to warn the hunters she's there.And don't worry, I'm working hard on The Return Of...so just be patient for a little while longer. These shorter stories are easier to write. Enjoy! (by the way, Jamie is nineteen in this chappie)_

_Anna Mo: Yeah, I realize now that might have been a huge surprise...but I didn't really want to add an author's note 'cuase I thought it would take away from the chapter. Sorry about that._

**The Life-Saving Congo**

Living in a jungle was the best idea I've ever had. I was currently in the Ituri Rainforest of The Democratic Republic ofCongo. It was a gorgeous, green, and bursting with flora and fauna. I started out living on the outskirts of the jungle with the Bantu people, but then I figured it would be fun to live inside the rainforest itself, so I hitched a ride with a pygmy tribe, called the Mbuti. They were primarily hunter-gatherers, and were a little apprehensive at first when I told them I wanted to come with them, but once I dropped all my weapons on the ground and performed a happy spirit ritual with them, they let me join up. The tribe I was currently traveling with was on the smaller end; it only had 20 people in it. It was hard at first to communicate with them, but once I picked up a few vocabulary words and hand gestures, it was pretty easy. I had built myself a little tree house in a huge tree right outside of their camp. I didn't want to intervene with their life; I was just a tag-along. I'd been here for about a week, and was just loving it.

I was sitting on a huge rock with my feet in a creek, thinking about Ranger. He was mostly the reason I was here, in the middle of a rainforest in Africa. No, he didn't ship me here in the dead of night. I came here on my own, but only because we had just had the biggest fight in the history of fights. I felt like shit just remembering it. It all started when I was in Miami with him, and I had become friends with his daughter, Jasmine. We were like twins, only ten years apart.

Anyway, one day I picked Jazz up from school and took her to the amusement park for the day. I had forgotten to tell Ranger my phone was dead, so when I arrived back at Rangeman with Jazz, he blew a lid and proceeded to inform me that there was a family enemy threatening to kidnap Jazz, and that he'd been trying to reach me all day. When he couldn't reach me, he sent out a search party and when they failed to find us, he started to get scared. He couldn't reach my phone, which was always on, and he thus concluded that his daughter and I had been kidnapped and were possibly dead. Then when I just showed up out of the blue, he let all his fright and worry and concern out and took it out on me. This is where an important saying comes in: Anger is only a mask of fear. Ranger had been so scared, so worried for me and his daughter, it all boiled into anger which he took out on me.

Yes, I know I'd been stupid when I forgot to tell him my phone was dead, but he was also in the wrong (at least in my opinion).He had failed to warn me about the family enemy. When I told that to him, he turned it all around again so I got the blame: I had failed to ask him if there were any psychos looking to kidnap his kid. That pissed me off, and we went on screaming at each other all night. The next morning I hitched a ride on a cargo ship bound for Africa.

It wasn't that I was running away or anything. I was PMSing, and Ranger and I really needed a break from each other. So I was the one to take action. Probably when we see each other again all will be well and forgotten. But for now, we're both nursing bruised egos.

I sighed and stood up. I was hungry, and I needed to find something to eat. For the first day or two that I was here, some of the younger women in the tribe decided to help me with the whole food thing. They showed me which plants I could eat, and which were poisonous. My diet consisted of fruits, roots, and crawfish from the creek. I made myself a bow and arrow for hunting animals, but the Bantu warned me that women don't participate in hunting if it involves a bow and arrow, and I might offend the tribesmen. So I stuck to the vegetarian diet, and saved the bow and arrow for something else.

I had made myself a bowl using clay from the creek, and I filled it with berries and roots. I took my meal back to my treehouse and ate dinner.

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I was about to fall asleep when I heard rapid gunfire in the distance. The Mbuti didn't have guns. I stood up and stuck my head out and looked through the canopy. Nothing. I could see absolutely nothing. I didn't have a flashlight, because I wanted to respect the Mbuti's neglect of modern technology. I slowly climbed down my tree and landed softly on the ground. I had to be very careful where I went and how I moved. The men would be hunting right now, and they might mistake me for an animal. So I tied a very small bell around my ankle on a leather strap. It was so small that I could barely hear it, but the Mbuti hunters could. They would know that there a fellow tribesman—or in my case, me--coming.

I had a knife on me, secured on my hip in a sheath. I also carried the bow and arrow. I was only wearing shorts and a tank top, and I was going barefoot. You didn't need a lot of clothes when you lived in a rainforest. I slid through the forest, occasionally climbing trees. I was heading northeast; in the direction I thought the gunshot came from. I didn't run into any hunters. I suspected they were trying to steer clear of me.

There was no wind. Just humidity. Night was falling and nocturnal animals were starting to come out. I stepped through the foliage carefully, watching out for snakes and poisonous frogs. I was far enough away now from the Mbuti camp that I didn't need to worry about being shot with a poison arrow. I suddenly paused when I heard abnormal sounds: rustling, snapping twigs, and muffled grunts. The instant I saw movement in the bushes I bolted up a tree, clinging to the strangler roots. I watched a huge man crash through the bushes, heading thankfully not in the direction of the Mbuti camp. He was dragging something. Dark had engulfed the forest, and it took me a minute to realize it was a person he was dragging. Another man followed. I noted they were both carrying machine guns, and machetes. I assumed they were poachers, looking for big cats or forest elephants. The man in front was dragging his miserable prisoner over big roots and rocks. The captive was grunting and twisting, sometimes almost getting his hands untied. His face was covered with a bag, so I couldn't make eye contact with him. I had been traveling through the trees, making sure I was always above the parade. The prisoner's head brushed against and stiff bush, and the bag was pulled off his head. I almost fell out of the trees when I saw his face.

It was Ranger.

His eyes were closed and he twisted again, pressing his face into the ferns. I was completely shaken. Where were the rest of the Merry Men? Why was he here? Was he looking for me? How could he have gotten caught by poachers? I bit my lip and kept following them. I needed to get Ranger out. There was a break in the canopy and for a split second, I could see his clothes in the moonlight. He was wearing camouflage cargos and a green shirt. His boots were muddy, and his clothes were bloodstained. I couldn't make out where the blood was coming from, but there was a lot of it. I kept following them. I needed to save Ranger.

Finally we all arrived at a small man-made clearing. There were two small tents and a circle of rocks around a fire-pit. Poacher No.1 tossed Ranger to the side and dropped his machete on the ground. He turned and said something to Poacher No.2, gesturing to Ranger. Poacher No.2 shrugged and put his hand on his machete, grinning evilly. Ranger was twisting in the crushed plants, trying to work lose the ropes around his ankles and hands. Poacher No.1 leaned over and smacked him on the head. Ranger stilled. Poacher No.2 dragged Ranger against a tree and slapped him lightly a couple times. When that didn't wake him up, he splashed his face with water. Ranger's eyes opened, and Poacher No.2 untied the rag and yanked the gag out of his mouth. He waited until Ranger was done coughing before speaking up. He was speaking softly so I couldn't hear, but I knew it wasn't English. Ranger responded in the same language, and Poacher No.2 smacked him hard.

My blood boiled. I was pissed. I was worried about Ranger. I watched as Poacher No.2 stood and turned to Poacher No.1. Number One nodded and Number Two swung his Uzi off his back and aimed at Ranger.

A small noise escaped me, resembling "NO!"

All three heads turned my way. I was still hidden in the bushes, but now they all knew I was there. Both poachers started towards my hiding place, and I bolted. I edged around their camp until I was behind Ranger's tree. I could only stay there for a second; the Poachers were viciously hacking at the foliage around their camp.

I put my hand over Ranger's mouth and whispered in his ear. "I'm here."

And then I edge away. I swung up a tree and waited until the poachers had calmed down. I was sitting on a big bough with a full view of the camp, and I had my bow and arrow ready.I'd never killed a man before, and my hands were shaking. _Don't think about the life you're about to take, _I told myself, _think about the life you're going to save._

Number 2 got his gun ready again, and I aimed and fired. It wasn't my first time shooting a bow and arrow, I'd taken archery for a summer when I was fourteen, but my aim was true. An arrow through the neck, and the guy was instantly killed.

I jumped out of the tree the instant I let the arrow fly, and it was a good thing too because right when the arrow hit Number One opened fire at my tree. There was no time to ready another arrow; I ripped the knife from my belt and threw it as hard as I could. I hit him in the middle of hischest and he died instantly.

I stumbled into the camp, tripping and scrambling across to the Ranger. The lump in my throat was threatening to swell, and I furiously swiped tears from my eyes. I worked at the ropes but my hands were trembling so badly I couldn't keep a hold of them.

"Jamie," Ranger said softly, making me jump. I looked up at him. "Relax," he said, "I'm not dead. Take a deep breath. Get your knife. Cut me loose. Relax."

I did as I was told, and almost threw up when I drew my knife out of the dead man on the ground. I sawed at the ropes around Ranger's ankles and then his wrists, and sat back when I was done. Ranger rubbed his arms back to life while I sat there, trying to wrap my mind around what I'd just done. Ranger's warm hand on my face brought me back to reality.

"Are you hurt?" He asked.

I looked up at him. "You should talk," I gasped out. "There's blood all over you."

He managed a weak smile. "Shallow chest wound. I haven't lost a lot of blood, and it hasn't turned septic yet, but it hurts like nothing else."

I sprang up and helped him stand. He leaned heavily on me and I helped him walk out of the camp, away from the dead men.

"Are you living here in the rainforest?" Ranger asked me.

"Yeah, with an Mbuti tribe. Their camp is a couple of miles away. Will you be okay?"

Ranger nodded.

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We made our way slowly but surely through the forest. I was using one of the poacher's machetes to hack a trail for Ranger. When we finally made it back to the Mbuti camp, three tribesmen met us, holding spears. Ranger tensed, and I dropped the machete. The instant the men saw thatRanger waswounded, they turned and called to the rest of the camp. A few women emerged from the leaf and sapling huts, flocking around Ranger, taking him from me.

"You'll be safe with them," I said to him.

Ranger sent me a smile and went with the women.

The men turned to me. I only knew a few words of the Mbuti, and was more broadly educated in the Kikongo language, a commonly used dialect in the Republic of Congo. One of the tribesmen knew Kikongo, and I managed to explain that Ranger was going to be killed by poachers, I saved him, and that I knew Ranger and knew he was not going to harm any of the tribe. I didn't want them to think I brought danger upon their tribe.

----------------------------------------------------------

Three hours later, Ranger was comfortably situated in my tree house. Two women had come with cooked bird, fruits, and a bowl of heated sweet nectar for me and Ranger. I thanked them, took the food, and sat down on a branch next to Ranger's hammock. When I first arrived with the Mbuti, some of the kids made me a net hammock, and that was my bed. For now, it was for Ranger to sleep in. I'd sleep on the floor or in a crook of a branch.

I handed Ranger the bowl of nectar and half the bird meat. We shared dinner in silence.

"Where's the rest of the Merry Men?" I asked Ranger.

"They are in Brazzaville, waiting for my radio message."

"Ah." Brazzaville is the capital of Congo, in the southeast. "What will they do when you don't radio?"

"They come find me."

"And when they don't find you?"

Ranger stared at me.

"What will you do?"

"Do you have a radio or cell signal out here?"

I blushed a little. "I kind of chucked my cell phone into the ocean when I left," I said sheepishly.

Ranger laughed softly. "I figured you'd do something like that."

We were silent for a moment. "I'm sorry," I said, staring down at my hands.

"Jamie, you have nothing to apologize for. You just saved my life."

My heart fluttered and I sucked in a breath. "I guess I did, didn't I?"

"You did. And for that I thank you."

I blushed even more and sneaked a glance at Ranger. He was grinning like the Cheshire cat. I went back to staring at my hands."Ah, well, um, you're welcome…I guess…"

Ranger laughed and reached out for me. He tugged my head towards him and kissed my forehead. "I can't even explain how great your hand smelled when it was on my mouth." He whispered.

I smiled and met his eyes. "I can't describe how surprised _I _was when I saw you, the great and non-defeated Ranger, being dragged alonglike a sack of potatoes. And scared," I added softly.

We stared at each other for a moment, and Ranger closed his eyes and relaxed into the hammock. "Let's go to sleep. My men will make it to the edge of the forest by morning, we can buy a few hours of sleep before we go and wait for them."

"Alrighty."

6666666666666666666666666666666666666

By the time the camp was waking up, Ranger and I were raring to go. We followed trading party back to the Bantu villages and asked around for men who were dressed like Ranger. One villager told us they were a few miles to the north, asking about Ranger. We hitched a ride on the back of a cart heading north, and an hour later we found Tank, Jordan, and Lester asking about Ranger.

Ranger and I slid off the cart and ambled towards them.

"Hey guys," I said happily, skipping over to them.

Ranger couldn't move veryfast; his shoulder was in a Mud'n' Plant bandage.

Tank turned and grinned at us, shouting to Jordan and Lester. Ranger was enveloped into bear-hugs, and I was getting pats on the head and swats on the ass. Lester grabbed me in a head lock and noogied me, and Jordan kissed me on the lips.

"Where were you?" Tank asked Ranger. "We didn't get your radio and thought you were dead somewhere."

"I was ambushed by two poachers, and they were going to kill me but Jamie killed them first and saved me."

I was under three intense stares. "I'll tell you when we get back to the city," I said.

"You're going to come with us? I figured you'd want to stay here," Ranger said.

"Well I won't come if you don't want me, but I'm sure these three would self combust if they didn't hear the story," I was afraid Ranger was still mad at me for the whole Jazz thing, and didn't meet his eyes.

Ranger wrapped an arm around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. "Of course we want you. Let's get out of here."

99999999999999999999999999999999999999

Back at the hotel Ranger told his side of the story, and I told mine. Ranger had been tracking down the very two poachers he was captured by, and apparently they knew it. Someone had gotten the information somehow and relayed it to them, so they recognized Ranger the instant they saw him, and knocked him out.

I told my part of the story, starting from when I arrived in the Democratic Republic of Congo. I told them about hearing the gunshots, following it, and seeing the poachers. I told them about realizing it was Ranger, and about killing the poachers. I hadn't really thought about that part since it happened, and I really wasn't sure what to think. There was some regret, but I knew they'd die anyway even if I'd just wounded them. It suddenly hit me that I had taken two lives. I had killed two men. I stopped speaking and stared at my hands. I killed two men with these hands. How scary was that?

Ranger rubbed my shoulder.

"The first time is always the worst," Jordan said solemnly, "I hate to say it, but it only gets easier."

We were all silent for a while.

"Hey," Lester said, grabbing a bottle of the complementary champagne, "Nobody's dead, 'cept those who had it comin'. Let's have some fun, huh?"

We all agreed wholeheartedly, and the rest of the night was spent drinking, playing strip-poker, reminiscing about the good ol' days. For me the best part was when we all crashed into our beds,and I wassnuggled in between Ranger and Lester. That was the best part of the evening, by far.

------------------

The end!


	11. More Fun with Patty Cake

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I just got back from a three week vacation. Enjoy.

**More Fun With Patty-Cake**

"Jamie, what the hell are you doing?"

I jumped three feet in the air and turned towards the doorway, expecting to see Tank standing there. I sighed in relief when I saw it was Ranger. "Jeezus, woman, scare the crap outta me why dontcha?"

Ranger raised an eyebrow but ignored the 'woman' comment. "What are you doing with Tank's boxers..." he glanced at the can in my hand and a smile twitched at the corner of his mouth. "...and a can of itching powder?"

"I think you can put two and two together."

Ranger shook his head and leaned against the doorjamb. "What did he do to deserve this?"

I turned Tank's red boxers inside out and spread them on the floor. "This is payback for shutting me in the dumpster," I said, dumping some of the white powder on his boxers.

Ranger eyed the powdery undergarments. "You know he's going to kill you for this, don't you?"

I shrugged and rubbed the powder in with my latex-gloved hand. "It'll be worth seeing him scratch his balls every second."

Ranger snorted.

I carefully folded the slightly lighter red boxers and set them back into the drawer. I stood up, peeled the gloved from my hands and pitched them into the trash can.

"There," I said, turning to Ranger, "Tank is none the wiser. Tomorrow morning--or tonight, whenever he decides to shower--he'll put on his boxers not knowing anything is wrong."

"Until he starts to itch uncontrollably, in which case he'll instantly blame you," Ranger said.

"Yeah, well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

Ranger pulled me to him by the waist and kissed me for a while. "You're such a bitch, Jamie."

I smiled at him. "Yeah I know, but at least he deserves it. What are you doing in Tank's apartment anyway?"

Ranger laughed and kissed my neck. " I was dropping off some folders. I'm going to have to put you in a safe-house after this. Nobody's ever had the balls to play pranks on Tank."

"Except me."

He kissed my forehead. "Except you. Let's go find something to eat."

We left Tank's fourth-floor apartment and headed downstairs. Tank was away with Jordan at the moment, going after some scumbag. He wouldn't be home until late tonight. Hopefully tomorrow morning he'd come into the breakroom desperately scratching his crotch, wondering what skank gave him crabbs. I laughed out loud at the thought. Sometimes I'm so evil I scare myself.

Ranger and I joined up with Lester and Vince who were going out for to some bar for dinner. Tank and Jordan met us a while later, and it became a party. We sat around a table eating, drinking, playing cards; and I challenged anyone for a game of pool.

"I'll take that challenge," Tank said, following me to the pool table. I almost died laughing.

"What the hell is so funny?" Tank asked me.

"Nothing," I gasped out. "Just the alcohol. Let's play."

Tank set up the triangle, and I broke it. A striped ball--the eleven--fell into a pocket. "I'm stripes. You're solids," I said to Tank.

I lined up another shot and got the nine ball in. I tried for the thirteen but missed.

Tank landed three shots: the six, the four, and the two ball.

We both pulled some nifty tricks, and it ended up almost being a tie. Only the eight ball was left on the table. It was my shot.

"Eight ball, corner pocket," I said, bending over my queue. I slammed the end of the queue against the queue ball which bounced off the eight ball, sending it rolling swiftly towards the pocket. I bit my lip and watched it roll. Tank and I had made a bet. Whoever wins had to be designated driver and couldn't drink anything other than water, coffee, or soda. The eight ball bounced off the corner of the pocket and went rolling the other way.

"Dammit," I muttered. Tank laughed. He circled the table a few times, trying to line up the perfect shot.

"Dear god, would you just hit the stupid ball?" I said to him.

He glanced at me and leaned down. "Eight ball, side pocket," He said, and took his shot. The eight ball thunked into the pocket, but then the queue ball sailed into the corner pocket. He scratched. And lost.

"Yes!" I yelled, jumping into the air.

Tank swore.

"I win! I win! I win, I win, I win!" I said happily, skipping around the table. I looked over at Tank. "Wanna play again?"

He shook his head. "It's not the same if I don't get to drink," he said. Iagreed withthat fact. It really wasn't.

888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

The next morning I rolled out of Ranger's bed at exactly 7:06 AM. I took a shower in his wonderful shower, and then flopped down on the bed in just a towel.

"You think Tank is showering right now?" I asked.

Without opening his eyes, Ranger threw an arm across my stomach. "Yes, and probably singing as well."

"Tank sings in the shower?"

"Yes. And everytime we share a hotel room I have to bring earplugs."

I was thinking about putting microphones and recording devices into his shower. As usual, Ranger read my mind.

"Don't even think about it, Jamie. I've done that so many times he checks his entire bathroom three times before turning on his shower."

"Lame."

Ranger smiled and pulled me close. "You're going to get killed today."

"Am not."

"Are to."

"I need to go to work," I said, pulling myself away from Ranger. I stood in front of the dresser, trying to decide what to wear. I dropped the towel on the floor and opened the underwear drawer.

"Polka dots or hearts today?" I asked Ranger.

"Hearts."

I put on a matching white-with-red-hearts bra and pantie set and dug through the other drawers looking for a T-shirt.

"You're burning holes into my back, Ricky," I said, dropping a red wife beater over my head.

"Don't blame me," Ranger said, "You're the one prancing around naked."

I laughed and stepped into a pair of jeans. "What are you doing today?" I asked Ranger.

"Meetings. You?"

"Jordan wanted me to come with him on this undercover thing at that Holiday Inn that was closed down because of a murder, and then tonight I'm staking out with Emilio."

"Assuming you live 'till tonight," Ranger said with a smile.

"No kidding."

77777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777

Jordan and I were sitting in the lunchroom, going over our roles for this afternoon when we heard Tank bellowing from the control room.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS JAMIE?"

Jordan grimaced at me. "What did you do this time?"

I grinned at him and scooted my chair over to the doorway. I stuck my head out and looked down the hall at Tank. "What's up, Tanky?" I decided not to call him Patty-Cake at this point. It'd just make him more mad.

Tank looked at me from down the hall. His face was a mixture of pure uncomfort and anger. He strode down the hall, yanked me off my chair and slammed me into the wall. Jordan abandoned me, saying he needed to get some stuff ready for the job.

"Ow," I said.

"What the hell did you put into my boxers?" He growled.

"Nothing, why?"

His glare intensified. "You know why."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"What's wrong with you boxers? Are they too small? Too big?"

Another wall-slam. Ow. "Itchy," Tank growled again. Boy, he was mad. I've never seen him this mad. I didn't think he'd take it this hard.

"Um...maybe your girlfriend gave you crabbs." Great Jamie, make him even more mad.

"I don't think so, Jamie. I think it has something to do with the latex gloves in my garbage can covered with white powder."

"You think I put cocain into your boxers?"

Yet another wall slam. He was going to break my ribs. "No, I think you dumped itching power into them."

"Now why would I do that?" I asked after regaining my breath.

"Probably to get me back for locking you in the dumpster."

"Aw, Tank, you know I'm not a vengeful person."

Tank snorted and stepped back from me, letting me sag against the wall. "I'm going to get you back, Jamie, but not anytime soon."

"But I didn't do anything!"

He laughed and walked away from me.

Shit.

* * *

Three weeks later I was taking a shower when all of a sudden I started itching everywhere uncontrollably. I tried to soap myself off but the soap made me itch, and the shampoo made me itch, and the conditioner made me itch. I went that entire day itching everywhere. I still don't know how Tank got the powder into the shower head, butnow I knowwhy Ranger refused to shower with me that morning.

"What's up, Jamie?" Tank asked me, watching me frantically scratch all over, "Did you fall into a field of poison ivy?"

I stuck my tongue out at him. "Real funny," I said, scratching my arms.

"You're right, it is funny."

Tank never trusted me again. I guess I don't blame him.

The END!

yay!


	12. Drunk With Ranger

Yay! My very first song-fic! I hope I did it right...Enjoy.

**Drunk With Ranger**

**Alcohol, my permanent accessory  
Alcohol, a party-time necessity  
Alchool, alternative to feeling like yourself  
O alcohol, I still drink to your health**

It was three in the morning, and Ranger and I were sitting on top of a big rock in the middle of the Badlands, South Dakota.We were both drunker than hell, having been thrown out of a bar for disturbing the peace and singing. So we wandered around for a while and finally made it to the Window Trail, where we staggered over rocks looking for a place to sit. And here we are.

"Hey Ranger," I said, passing the wine bottle to him.

He took a swig and handed it back to me. "Yeah?"

"Alcohol is like, the best thing ever."

"No fucking kidding."

I took another gulp of wine. "Hey Ranger."

"Yeah?"

**I love you more than I did the week before  
I discovered alcohol**

"Have I mentioned that I loved you?"

"No, I don't think you have. Really? That's kinda cool."

I probably wouldn't have said that if I were sober. I was nineteen, and I fell in love with Ranger a month ago when we were stranded in the middle of the ocean. Somehow the wine made it all the more magical.

**Forget the caffe latte, screw the raspberry iced tea  
A malibu and coke for you, a G and T for me  
Alcohol, your songs resolve like  
My life never will  
When someone else is picking up the bill**

Ranger took another gulp of wine. "Man, I can't believe I drink other stuff. Alcohol should be like, my main…um…thing."

I giggled and took the bottle back from him. "Totally. Good thing we let that other guy pay, right?" More like I swiped some stranger's wallet and paid for the wine with his credit card.

"Yeah, that was really nice of him," Ranger said.

**I love you more than I did the week before  
I discovered alcohol  
O alcohol, would you please forgive me?  
For while I cannot love myself  
I'll use something else**

"Aren't the stars pretty?" I said, tipping my head back. I sucked some wine out of the bottle. "I love this wine. It makes everything prettier. And…sparkly."

Ranger tipped his head back with me. "Takes the bad things away."

"Mmm…"

**I thought that alcohol was just for those with  
Nothing else to do  
I thought that drinking just to get drunk  
Was a waste of precious booze**

"Ya know," Ranger said after a while, "I never used to drink for fun like this…mostly I just drank at like, a party. But not all…spontaneously like this."

"Freak. Drinking for fun is like, the coolest thing…ever."

**But now I know that theres a time  
And theres a place where I can choose  
To walk the fine line between  
Self-control and self-abuse**

"Hey, one time, Tank and I got _really_ drunk…and we were…uh…playing chicken in the road. You know, waiting for cars to come and stuff."

I smiled a goofy smile. "That sounds like fun."

Ranger wrapped an arm around my shoulders and kissed my neck. "You smell yummy," he said.

I giggled. "It's the wine. I spilled some on me."

Ranger gave my neck a lick. "Mmm…red wine…"

**I love you more than I did the week before  
I discovered alcohol**

"We should do this more often," I said, turning to him.

"Yeah. But next we'll bring more wine."

The bottle was almost empty, so Ranger and I headed back to our cabin. It was a mile away, and we had to walk along the highway, but we made it back okay.

**Would you please ignore that you  
Found me on the floor  
Trying on your camisole?  
O alcohol, would you please forgive me?  
For while I cannot love myself  
I'll use something else.**

I took a shower when we got back to our cabin. When I came out Ranger was on the floor, stuck inside my silk red camisole.

"I thought it was my shirt," Ranger said, trying to pull it over his head.

I giggled and tried to pull the thing off of him, but he was pretty stuck. "It's stuck, Rickykins, I can't get it off."

"I think it makes me look sexy," Ranger said, and then he passed out.

**Would you please forgive me  
Would you please forgive me**

The next morning Ranger and I had one hell of a hangover.

"Never, ever again," Ranger groaned from his bed.

I pulled my pillow over my head. "EVER."

"Fucking alcohol."

"I like alcohol."

Ranger thought for a moment. "Me too."

"And you still look sexy in my camisole."

The END!

* * *

Song lyrics "Alcohol" by the Barenaked Ladies 


	13. Fourth O' July: Merry Man Style

Welcome to another enstallment of The Random Adventures of Dorothy and Toto.

Many thanks to **XJerseyGirl** for letting me use her Merry Men First-Aresst Party. If you haven't found her story, As the Worm Turns, READ IT. It's fantastic!

--Bowlingforshrimp

**Fourth O' July: Merry Men Style**

Aaaah, looking at life through the criss-cross metal bars of the back of a police car…Yup, that's where I was, in the back of a police cruiser. I was in Portland, Oregon, on a job with Ranger and the Merry Men. It had been a drug bust. I was supposed to go up to Josh Well apartment in downtown Portland, wearing a wire, and buy some drugs off him. Tank was with me, and he was supposed to slap the cuffs on Mr. Well right as he was handing over the little bag of cocaine.

Unfortunately, some of the Portland PD were also on a drug bust…the same one. Someone failed to tell them that Rangeman had it covered…and problems ensued.

And now I'm sitting in the back of a black and white SUV, hands cuffed behind my back. Tank is in the other SUV, and I was having a hard time notlaughing. The lady cop who patted Tank down purely enjoyed herself, I could tell. What women wouldn't enjoy running her hands down those muscular legs and over that ripped chest and…ahem. I smiled to myself as the cruiser cruised down Emerson Street. There was a parade of black SUVs behind us, and I guessed we looked like some intense funeral. The police car pulled up to the back of the police department and Tank and I were ushered inside, handcuffed to a bench, and read our rights. Only if you knew Tank as well as I did would you notice he was trying _hard_ to hide a smile.

Normally one would think that getting arrested is embarrassing and demeaning. Not the Merry Men. They throw celebrations, watch the arrest tapes, and laugh their big, meaty heads off. And the first time an employee is arrested on a job, they threw him (or her, in my case) a party. So I was pretty excited. While Tank and I were waiting to be booked, he explained to me that because the majority of Rangeman employees are of the male species, they would take him to a strip club as the celebration. I told him I wouldn't mind if we went to a Chippendale's, but then we decided that only Hector and I would have a good time, so maybe we'd just throw a big party at Rangeman.

The instant after Tank and I got booked Ranger swooped in and demanded to see the chief. Words were exchanged, and everything was sorted out and the whole event was concluded as a misunderstanding. Tank and I were released without bail, and we hopped into an SUV and drove away.

The whole Rangeman parking lot broke into applause when I stepped out of my SUV. I did a couple exaggerated bows, and strutted through the crowd of black cargos and enormous biceps, getting swats on the ass and pats on the head.

Ranger grabbed me and lifted me onto his shoulders, and he carried me up to the roof from there. Some guys brought up beer, ordered food, and even lugged up a box of fireworks.

"Hey, good thing it's Fourth o' July, right?" I said to Ranger. I was still sitting on his shoulders, playing with his silky dark hair.

"So our celebration won't be raided by the cops?" Ranger asked me.

"That and nobody cares if we've got illegal fireworks." I climbed off of Ranger and grabbed myself a bottle of beer.

It was tenpmwhen we'd arrived at Rangeman, and by midnight the party was in full swing. Some of the guys even had women there. When everybody was sufficiently drunk we started to set off fireworks. I lit a Roman Candle and held it up while taking a swig from a bottle of champagne. Ranger and Lester tied three bottle-rockets together and set them off. We lit sparklers and Pickalo-Petes. We lit big sparkly fireworks, ones that went boom and echoed throughout the city, and ones that just made cool designs and showered sparks. There were toasts to Tank and me for our bravery, toasts to me for getting arrested and then released, and toasts to Ranger for _getting_ me arrested.

All in all, it was a pretty fantastic evening. Some of the guys turned in around three, taking their dates with them. But most of us stayed up until the wee hours of the morning and fell asleep right up there on the roof.

I found myself curled up with Ranger in a corner of the roof. I sat up and rubbed my eyes, smiling at the mess of the party they threw for me. There were burnt remnants of firework packages, lighters, matches, a hose, beer bottles, plastic wine glasses, wine bottles, leftover burgers and hot dogs, and paper cups lying everywhere. I crawled across the roof to the house, turned the spigot and drank the nice cold water that spewed out. Then I aimed the house at the piles of Merry Men sprawled on the ground and turned the water on full blast.

From there a huge water-and-paintball-fight took shape. The guys in the control room saw me spraying the poor Merry Men and decided to save their comrades. They brought up paintball guns and water guns.

Hours later, when we were all soaked with water and paint, everyone trudged down to their rooms and apartments to sleep the day away. There was nothing major happening today, so we could all lounge around.

I took a shower in Ranger's apartment, dressed in the bathroom, and flopped down on the bed next to Ranger. He was half asleep, still covered in multicolored paint.

"I like the purple hair," I said drowsily, reaching over to push Ranger's hair off his forehead.

His eyes were closed, but he grabbed my hand and kissed my fingers. "I haven't been to a party like that since college," he mumbled.

"I've _never_ been to a party like that," I said, watching Ranger kiss my fingers. We'd been doing this a lot lately. This flirting. I was only eighteen, so some people may find it weird, but it was all in good fun with Ranger.

"You taste like fun," Ranger mumbled. I had no idea what he was talking about.

"Sure Ranger, and you taste like sleep," I said, laughing.

Ranger smiled and pulled me close to him. "Sleep sounds nice."

"Yeah."

"'Night."

"Ranger, it's three o'clock in the afternoon."

Ranger reached down and pulled the covers over our heads. "Now it's night. Go to sleep."

So I did.

**The END!**


	14. The Tarantula

**ilovesteph:** Sorry, but I don't write smut. I wouldn't even know what to write. I've never done anything smutty before.

**The Tarantula**

Hiding, hiding, hiding. For HOURS. Me, Ranger, and Tank cooped up in this little tiny shack in the middle of the forest. I can't tell you where, because then I'd have to kill you.

We were hiding and waiting to ambush these three kids who escaped from a reformatory. They were sixteen, thirteen, and fifteen. It was scary to think that at such a young age a kid could kill somebody. They were brothers who mugged and killed some woman at three in the morning a few months ago. And now they wereoutlaws.

"So…when are they supposed to come?" I asked Ranger. We were all sitting on the miniscule bench facing the miniscule window. And we all had guns drawn.

"Probably not until nightfall. I don't think they'd travel during the day with all the guards looking for them," Ranger said.

"Then what the hell are we doing here, at two o'clock in the afternoon?"

"We can never be too sure," Tank said. "Man, I hate this little shack. There are probably spiders everywhere."

I glanced over at Tank. "And you care why?"

Tank didn't answer. Ranger laughed.

I turned back to Ranger. "What's so funny?"

"Tank doesn't like spiders."

I smiled and elbowed Tank. "Aww…is widdle Tanky-Poo afwade of spiders?"

"NO. I just don't like them, okay?"

"Why not? They're cute."

"He fell into a giant nest when we were kids," Ranger said.

"Jeez."

------------------------------------------------------

The silence stretched by. There was a rustle in the woods and we all sprang up to look out the window.

"Just a deer," Tank said, lowering his gun.

Ranger lowered his gun and so did I. We were a little high strung, mostly 'cause we'd been in this shack for a little over three hours already.

Suddenly Tank let out a blood-curdling shriek and started shooting wildly at the wall. That scared the crap out of me and my finger pressed down on the trigger of my gun. Ranger let out a yell and crumpled to the floor.

"WHAT THE FUCK!"Ranger yelled.

Tank had emptied his clip into the wall of the shack. He slumped onto the bench, breathing heavily. I looked from theswiss cheesewall to the floor and saw a very mutilated tarantula. That's when I started laughing. I laughed so hard I fell over.

"Stop laughing," Tank said. "I fucking hate spiders. That was the hugest fucking spider I've ever fucking seen in my entire fucking life."

"Jamie, you fucking shot me in the leg!" Ranger yelled at me.

I was on the floor rolling around and trying to breathe. Ranger smacked me in the head and I stopped laughing. "Sorry, but Little Miss Muffet here scared the crap out of me."

Tank glared at me. He glanced over at what was left of the tarantula and shuddered.

"This hurts like hell," Ranger said. He'd taken off his shirt and pressed it to his thigh.

"I guess we should take him back to the reformatory," I said to Tank.

"I don't think we could carry him that far," Tank said. We were about twenty miles from the reformatory, but we had a radio and walkie-talkies.

"Well do something," Ranger growled. His eyes were hard and his teeth were clenched.

Tank radioed a request for a helicopter to take Ranger to the hospital. He told the guy on the radio that one of our guns discharged.

"You lying sack of shit," I said to Tank, grinning at him.

"You think I wasgoing to tell them that _you_ shot him?"

"You could have said it was an accident 'cause _you_ freaked out when you saw a tiny little spider."

"It was _huge_."

"Not even full grown."

"That doesn't matter. It was still huge."

"You're just a wimp."

"I could kick your ass."

"Not if I have a spider."

"Yeah well—"

"Would you two shut UP?" Ranger growled.

I leaned over and kissed Ranger on the cheek. "Ranger's getting grumpy," I said to Tank.

"You shot me," Ranger said.

"On accident."

"That doesn't change anything."

"Quit whining, the helicopter will be here soon."

"I'm going to whine all I fucking want. You shot me."

I rolled my eyes, sat up on the bench with Tank, and fiddled with Ranger's hair until the helicopter arrived.

Ranger was shipped off the hospital and Tank and I were left to ambush the kids. They didn't arrive until precisely midnight, and Tank and I had fun tackling them all to the ground. We dragged them halfway back to the reformatory, and called in the helicopter again to collect them.

--------------------------------------------

It was four o'clock the next afternoon when we saw Ranger. He was sitting in a hospital bed, in a hospital gown, looking irritated. His thigh was all wrapped up in bandages, and it looked like the pain-killers were wearing off.

"Hey Ranger," I said, handing him a giant teddy bear I'd gotten in the hospital gift store.

"I don't think I've ever seen you in a dress before, unless you count that one Halloween," Tank said with a huge grin.

Ranger shot Tank a glare. "It's a hospital gown. Get over it."

I laughed at them. "You two are like an old married couple."

This got me glares from both of them.

---------------------------------------------------------

Three weeks later I made fun of Tank's little spider issue in front of a bunch of Merry Men, and he threw me out the window. I landed in the dumpster, so I was okay, but I had to throw out the clothes I was wearing and Ranger had to issue me a new phone because the one I had stank.

I came out of the shower after scrubbing myself three times and threw a shoe at Tank.

"You deserved it," he said, laughing at me.

"Yeah," Ranger said from the couch, "You did shoot me, after all."

I rolled my eyes. "Buncha pussies," I muttered, and slammed the door to my room.

Nobody ever spoke of the tarantual thing ever again.

**END**


	15. Summertime Halloween

**Summertime Halloween**

Oh yes, it was Halloween. My favorite holiday. I suppose you could say that going trick-or-treating as a twenty-year-old was weird, but I would ignore you. I would never ever pass up free candy. Not on my life.

"Ranger! Come ON! You've been in there ALL MORNING! I want to go shopping," I whined. I was standing outside of Ranger's office, beating on the door. He promised he'd take me to the mall to try to find a costume. I'll admit that I was a little hyper at the moment; I couldn't stop jumping up and down. This was also my very first Halloween with Ranger. Every other year we'd been in separate countries.

"Quit banging on the door, Jamie!" Ranger yelled from inside. "I'm almost finished!"

After the second hour of badgering him to take me shopping, he finally kicked me out of his office and locked the door. I'd been sitting there for another hour, waiting for him to come out. I skipped down the stairs, around the kitchen, into the family room, and threw myself on the couch.

"Jeezus, Jamie, what did _you_ smoke this morning?" Jordan asked from the recliner. Jordan was Ranger's older brother. He ran the Miami Rangeman office, but he was taking a vacation. We were all in Seattle, Washington, renting a house for a couple months for some job that Ranger was working on.

"I always get like this on Halloween," I said, "It's in anticipation of all the candy that I'm going to eat tonight."

"Aren't you a little old for candy?" Jordan asked, flipping on the TV.

"Since when can someone be too old for candy?" I asked.

Jordan shook his head and diverted his attention to the high speed car chase that was happening on TV.

"AND Kiley is coming with us! She's on some research thing from school, and we're going to meet at the mall."

"I have to take you _and_ Kiley with me? Fuck, Jamie, you should have warned me," Ranger appeared at the bottom of the stairs, looking distressed.

I laughed so hard I fell off the couch. Ranger hauled me up and shoved me out the door. "Hurry up; I want to get this over with."

A year and a half ago we were all in Quebec. That's where I met Kiley. She is just as tall as Ranger, with long red hair, freckles, and pale gray eyes. Lester says she's pretty much a Jamie-Clone, but the truth is she's a lot smarter than me. Ranger, Lester, Bobby, and I had been staking out this apartment building when this guy came out holding Kiley at gunpoint. Ranger tried to negotiate with the gunman, but it took awhile and finally Kiley got so impatient she stomped on his foot, elbowed him in the nose, and whipped around and kicked him in the nuts. The guys shipped the sad gunman off to the pokey and I stayed with Kiley. When Ranger came back for me, he found Kiley and me cracking up in the parking lot, already best friends. We'd kept in touch over the months, seen each other more than once, and wreaked havoc together on Ranger's life. She knew she couldn't get away with as much as I could, but if we were in it together…

"Aaw, Range-Rover, you know you love Kiley." I'd just started calling Ranger Range-Rover because that was a new car that'd come out this year. The first time I saw it Ranger and I were cruising down the highway. We both saw it at the same time and Ranger looks over at me and says, "That's my new nickname, isn't it?"

"I do love Kiley, it's just that when you're together I have to be more alert than I already am," Ranger said, pulling out of the driveway.

I laughed out loud. "Just wait until tonight, buddy-boy. Tonight's Halloween."

"I though yesterday was Mischief Night," Ranger said.

"Well yeah, for everybody else. But not for us."

Ranger shook his head. "I cannot believe I'm doing this," he muttered.

I smiled at him. "You're doing it because you love me."

He stopped at a red light and turned to look at me. "Yeah," he said softly, "I do love you."

My smile widened.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hey RANGE-ROVER! How's it going?"

I looked around and spotted Kiley at the entrance to the mall.

"Fucking A, Jamie, did you tell _her_ about the Range-Rover thing?" Ranger asked me, looking exasperated.

I grinned at him. "Nope. Great minds think alike."

"So, has Tank pummeled her yet?" Kiley asked Ranger with a huge grin.

Ranger grinned back. "Not yet, but last night he threw her into the dryer."

Kiley laughed and followed us into the mall. I dropped back from Ranger to walk beside her.

"So how's it goin'?" I asked, shoving my hands into my pockets."

"I met this guy, Jason, and we hit it off real nice a few weeks ago," Kiley said.

"Oh yeah? Was he a hottie?"

"You have no idea, Jelly-Bean. He was hot and he knew it."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"It is. He cheated on me the second week."

"What a bastard. What did you do about it?"

She sent me a wicked grin. "I called Tank and asked how to hack into Jason's email account. I copy-and-pasted Jason's face on some gay porn and sent it to everyone on his contact list."

I laughed so hard I had to sit down on a bench in the middle of the hallway. "Why didn't you tell me about this?" I asked Ranger, who had paused to wait.

"I didn't know about it."

"It was amazing," Kiley said, grinning wider, "Jason came crawling back for forgiveness. And when _that_ didn't work, he got really mad and started whacking my car with a bat, so I got him arrested."

"Pretty sweet," I agreed.

We first hit Nordstrom, leaving Ranger in the dust. Kiley and I were shopping machines. Then we skipped off to Victoria's Secret, Old Navy, Zumies, and landed in Spencer's Gifts.

"That's disgusting," Ranger said, looking at the penis-shaped gummies.

"That's about the size of Jason Jr." Kiley said thoughtfully, and earned a bark of laughter from Ranger.

"Hey, Jordan would like this," I said, pointed to a bubbly, lit up beer glass. There was a faucet floating above it, and it looked like beer was being poured into the glass. Jordan was an avid beer and wine drinker. He could tell you the kind of hops used in a beer, and the year of a wine with just a whiff.

During lunch Ranger went in search of a bathroom, and Kiley and I discussed costume ideas.

"We could be dead cheerleaders."

"Lame."

"Dead brides?"

"Lame."

"Zombies?"

"What's with the whole dead theme? Doesn't that get old?" I asked, chomping thoughtfully on my burrito.

"Halloween is supposed to be scary," Kiley said through some yakisoba, "Dead things are scary."

Suddenly the light bulb over my head lit up. "I got it," I said, slamming my fist onto the table.

Kiley cocked an eyebrow in silent question.

"I can be Ranger, you can be Tank."

"What?"

"All I have to do is straighten my hair and get some self tanning stuff. And look intense twenty-four-seven. And tape my boobs down to make them look like pecs."

"How would I get to look like Tank?"

"Buy some face-paint and an army-cut wig."

"I don't think they'll appreciate it."

"Sure they will. Tank's got the hots for you anyway."

Kiley actually blushed. She had the hots for him, too.

"Kiley's blushing and you're smiling like a cat chasing a mouse," Ranger said to me, sliding back into his seat, "Should I be afraid?"

"Kiley and Tank, sitting in a tree," I said to Ranger.

Kiley's eyes narrowed, but Ranger interrupted her. "K-I-S-S-I-N-G?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, not yet, but definitely soon," I said.

"Let's stop talking about my love life, okay?" Kiley said, jabbing a fork at me and Ranger.

"HA! She admits he's part of her love-life!" I said triumphantly.

"Jeezus," Kiley muttered, bending over her noodles.

I smiled at Ranger, and he just shook his head.

The matter was dropped and Kiley and I stopped into a couple of costume shops to look for face paint and a wig. I dropped into The Body Shop to get self tanning stuff and a hair straightener.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Well that was fun," I said, buckling myself into the SUV.

"It was more fun than surveillance," Ranger said.

I rolled my eyes. "You would have failed in Girl School."

"I don't think I would have minded.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I saw Tank's hummer parked at the curb when we turned onto our street.

"Looks like Patty-Cake is heeeere," I sang.

"Patty-Cake?" Kiley asked.

"It's Tank. His real name is Patrick."

Kiley snorted. "So I'm assuming he trapped you in the dryer because you teased him about his name?"

"Yeah," I said, "It was amazing. Ranger had to rescue me."

"He always was drawn to the damsel in distress, wasn't he?" Kiley said, grinning at Ranger.

The instant the car pulled into the driveway Kiley and I were out and running. We bolted into the house, past Tank, and up the stairs into the bedroom I shared with Ranger. I locked the door and turned to Kiley.

"Okay, so what do we do first?"

"Your costume will take longer so let's straighten your hair while you rub on the self tanning stuff."

"Onward ho," I said, and hauled the hair straightener out of the bag.

An hour later I was all straightened and tanned. Kiley cut my hair to shoulder length, and I tied it into a pony-tail. I sent Kiley downstairs to get duct tape and rifled through my closet. My Rangeman uniform consisted of a tight black T-shirt (Ranger chose the tightness), black cargo pants, a black wind-breaker, a black nylon webbed gun-belt, a gun, a cell phone, a stun gun, and sometimes a mag-lite. I would be fully dressed but only armed with a squirt gun that _looked _like a revolver. Kiley arrived with the duct tape, and I shed my shirt.

"Hmm…" I said, looking down at my boobs, "How should I do this?"

"Keep your bra on," Kiley said, "Or else you'll rip skin off. Maybe you should wear a sports bra."

I took her advice and changed into a black sports bra. Kiley helped me duct-tap my boobs down, and I dropped the T-shirt over my head.

"I feel like I'm wearing a corset," I said to Kiley, "How do I look?"

"Like you have pecs of steal," Kiley said through laughter.

I changed into the cargo pants and stuffed my feet into combat boots. I set my face into a blank-intense look, and turned to Kiley.

"Yo," I said, trying to make my voice deep.

Kiley burst out laughing and fell over. I tried not to smile, but it didn't really work.

"Do I look even a _little_ like Ranger?" I asked, flopping onto the bed. I waited until Kiley had stopped laughing. She looked up at me and thought for a moment.

"Not really, but I think the message will get across well enough."

"Good enough."

Another hour later Kiley was buffed up with muscle sleeves, darkened with brown face paint, and her hair was stuffed under a black army-cut wig. She was wearing my other uniform, which fit her perfectly.

"We truly are the most amazing people in the world, aren't we?" I asked her.

"That or the lamest," Kiley said.

I shrugged and fisted the doorknob on the bedroom door. "Are we ready to strut our stuff?"

Kiley flashed me a shit-eating grin. "Oh yeah," she said.

We both clomped down the stairs and looked for the guys, finding them in the kitchen.

"Hey look Tank," I said to Kiley, "It's our twins."

Ranger, Tank, and Jordan looked up at us. All three pairs of eyes widened, and all three jaws dropped.

"They must be the stupid twins," Kiley said, glancing at me.

I nodded. "We should go shoot something."

"I agree. I like shooting things."

"Then I'll go order people around."

"And I'll trap Jamie in a dumpster again."

"I'll work for sixteen hours straight," I said, looking over at Kiley.

"Then we can polish our guns and smoke a cigar and be macho."

"Then afterwards we can—"

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT," Jordan said.

"_Those_ are your Halloween costumes?" Ranger asked, completely taken aback.

I managed not to grin, just nodded. "Yes," I said.

"Jeezus, I don't I've ever seen her speak so little," Jordan said.

Tank was still staring at Kiley.

Ranger's eyes zeroed in on my boobs. "How did you make them so flat?"

"Duct tape," I said, trying to make my face blank.

"Are you going to say anything, Patty-Cake?" Kiley asked Tank.

That snapped him out of his stupor and he shot daggers at me before looking at Kiley. "You're going to pay for that," he said.

"I bet she's going to like her payment," I coughed into my hand.

"What did you say?" Tank and Kiley said at the same time.

"I didn't say anything. I never talk. I just grunt."

"Jeezus," Ranger said. He got up and dragged me into the living room, leaving Kiley behind.

"You're dressing up like me?" He looked down at me, crossing his arms over his chest.

"It was the scariest thing I could think of."

Ranger shook his head. "I don't know whether to be flattered or creeped out."

I stood on my tip-toes and kissed him. "Be flattered."

Ranger nodded. "Sounds good to me. When do you want to leave?"

He wasn't going to let me go out on my own, even if Kiley was there. Jack Summer had been following us around again, but hadn't gotten a chance to nab me.

"When it gets dark. So around eight-thirty, I guess."

Ranger glanced at his watch. "Summer is probably expecting you to be trick-or-treating, so let's be extra careful, okay?" His eyes fell on my squirt gun. "Is that thing real?"

"No. It's a water-gun."

"Wear something real."

"Hey, I'm the boss. You don't order people around. I do," I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

Ranger grinned. "You are crazy, did you know that?"

"I'm just as crazy as you and that's a good thing cause then I wouldn't be you."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At precisely eight-thirty Kiley and I dragged Tank and Ranger out the door. We skipped down the street with pillow cases in our hands, dodging in and out of all the little trick-or-treating kids. All the people who answered the door to us asked us if we were a little too old to be trick-or-treating, and who we were dressing up as.

"We're going for my little crippled brother," I would say, "he's not allowed to go out now, so I thought I'd go out for him."

This would get me extra candy.

"You are going to hell, Jamie," Kiley told me as we strolled back to our house after an hour and a half of candy-gathering.

"Yeah, I know, but at least I have candy, right?"

Ranger cricked an arm around my neck and kissed the top of my head. "You're going to share that."

"But I thought you don't eat sugar."

"I do on Halloween."

"What, the temple off duty?"

Ranger smiled. I glanced behind us at Kiley and Tank, walking close together. It was a funny sight to see the real person next to the costume.

"Hey mini-Ranger we missed a house!" Kiley yelled. I ducked under Ranger's arm and ran after her to the front door of a little brown house a block away from ours.

Kiley pressed the doorbell. A few seconds later we stared at the end of a shotgun barrel. "I was wondering when you'd show up," Jack Summer said, "Get into the house."

Ranger and Tank hadn't caught up yet, and I didn't want to take any chances, so I did as he said. Kiley followed me in. She hadn't met Jack Summer yet, but I'd told her stories. He was about six stocky feet of mostly muscle with some fat thrown in. He had pale grey eyes and messy dull brown hair. There was always a hint of five o'clock shadow. And his face was always tuned to _mean_.

"You aren't going to take my candy, are you?" I asked as he shoved me onto the couch.

"Shut up."

Kiley remained silent, sitting next to me on the lumpy leather couch. I clutched my pillow case of candy. No way was I giving up the candy.

Jack reached for the gun on my belt, never taking the shotgun away. He yanked the revolver from my belt and threw it across the room. I almost cracked up, but I managed to keep quiet.

"Now then," Jack said, keeping the shotgun trained on my head, "I'm going to find some rope to tie you two up with. And I'm going to bring your friend with me, so you don't leave." He jerked Kiley up from the couch and steered her away with him. "I'll kill her if I find you gone!" He yelled back to me.

My cell phone vibrated, but I figured I shouldn't answer. Instead I got up and pulled the Sig from my waistband at the small of my back. Ranger had made me bring it. I crept carefully after Jack and peeked around a corner into a kitchen. There was a door open, and I could hear jack rummaging through things. I peered through the open door and saw stairs. Probably a cellar. I took off my boots, stepped onto the first step, and then the second, and then third. I knelt down and watched Jack through the wood bars. He was digging around in the rubble on the far side of the room. He was holding the shotgun to Kiley's head. I tried to catch Kiley's eye. I needed her to duck or something, so I could shoot his hand without him pressing the trigger and killing my friend. Finally she looked at me, her eyes widening. I knew she could only see my legs, but Kiley is smart and knew what I was doing. She hung her head, and slowly lowered herself to the floor. Jack acknowledged her with a grunt and continued through the drawers and shelves. I aimed and fired, catching his hand and making him drop the gun with a roar. Kiley jumped up and ran for the stairs. We both beat it out of there pretty fast, flying out the front door and whizzing past Tank and Ranger, who had been trying to jimmy the lock.

Kiley and I didn't stop running until we were back at our house. We both collapsed on the floor, gasping.

"Fuck," Kiley said.

"No kidding. I forgot my fucking candy."

Kiley glanced over at me. Her wig had fallen off in the mad dash, and her hair was coming out of all the pins we'd used to smash it down. "We just escaped a horrible fate and all you can think about is candy?"

"Yeah," I said, "My blood sugar is probably real low right now. I need that candy. Fucking Jack had to ruin my Halloween."

"What a shitstick," Kiley said.

I looked up and Ranger. "I forgot the candy," I said meakly.

Ranger crouched next to me. "Are you hurt?"

"No. But I haven't got any candy."

Tank was helping Kiley up. "You had us worried," he said to her.

"And what am I, chopped liver?" I said indignantly.

"Yes," Tank said, and took Kiley into the living room.

Ranger scooped me up and followed Tank. "You did have us worried. You didn't answer your phone."

"That's because Jack was holding a shotgun to Kiley's head."

Tank visibly stiffened at those words and he put an arm around Kiley's shoulders. She leaned into him and closed her eyes. I thought that was adorable.

Ranger sat me on the couch. "Where are your shoes?"

I looked down at my socks. "I took them off so I could step quieter."

Ranger nodded, took my feet onto his lap and peeled my socks off. Then he started massaging my feet, and I laid back on the armrest and closed my eyes.

"It's really hot under this duct tape," I said after awhile.

"No kidding," Kiley mumbled. I opened my eyes and turned to look at Kiley and Tank, sitting on the opposite couch.

"I'll help you get it off," Ranger said softly to me.

"And I'll help with yours," Tank said to Kiley. She blushed under the smeared face paint. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Finally you two are actually admitting your love for each other. Now go upstairs to Tank's room and get it on!"

Kiley blushed even more. Tank shot more daggers at me, but dragged Kiley up the stairs nonetheless.

I smiled again and looked at Ranger. "Howdy," I said.

"You're nuts."

"I know. Don't you love it?"

Ranger crawled on top of me and kissed me for a while. "Yeah."

I didn't get any candy, but I sure got a lot of sugary goodness that Halloween.

**Fin**


	16. Jamie & Tank

**Jamie & Tank**

"You two wait here 'til I get back, got it?" Ranger gave us the evil eye.

I glanced at Tank. "He'll kill me. Or rape me. Or murder me."

Tank glared at me. "Only if you leave slugs in my bed again."

I glared right back. "You deserved it, asswipe."

He reached out and smacked me upside the head. "All I did was fill your showerhead with itching powder."

I smacked him right back. "Yeah, well—"

"SHUT UP!" Ranger yelled.

"Sorry," I said.

"Sorry," said Tank.

Ranger's eyes shut and he took a deep breath. Tank and I were like five-year-olds sometimes. "This is the plan. I'm going to talk to this guy alone, because that's what he asked for. If I'm not back by five AM, call the rest of the team, got it?"

Tank and I both saluted. "Yes sir!"

Ranger sighed and looked exasperated. "I swear to God, you two…"

I waved him away. "Yeah, yeah, you'll beat our heads in. Now go get Lester back!"

Ranger gave me a kiss goodbye and left, shaking his head and muttering to himself. Now it was just me and Tank.

Two nights ago Lester disappeared. Then we got a ransom note. I suppose we should be more worried, but apparently Ranger has dealt with this guy before, and he knows that Lester won't be harmed if the money is dropped off.

* * *

"Move your fat ass, Jamie, I can't see the TV."

I wiggled my ass. It was a bad idea to leave me and Tank alone together. We would destroy the room. See, Tank and I have this love/hate relationship. We'd die for each other, we trust each other, and we love each other like best friends, but goddamn are we mean to each other. I call him names, he dumps ice water on me, I empty the gas out of his car, he chucks me into a dumpster, I leave slugs in his bed, he pours Tabasco sauce into my coffee, and on and on it goes.

A pillow hit me. "I said _move._"

I chucked the pillow right back and flopped onto the bed with Tank. "What are we watching, anyway?"

"CSI."

I threw myself onto my back with a groan. "_Boring!_"

"No it's not."

"Yeah, it is."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

I grabbed the remote away from Tank, sat up, and started flipping channels.

"Bitch!" Tank yelled and tried to get the remote back, but I scooted away.

"Give me the remote back!" Tank growled, making another grab for me.

"Nu-uhn. CSI is boring. Let's watch America's Next Top Model." Tyra Banks filled the screen, talking to the girls about some challenge. Personally, I hated America's Next Top Model because it promoted all the wrong things, but Tank hated it too which meant I loved it.

"NO FUCKING WAY, JAMIE." Tank yelled and lunged at me. I leaped away.

"OOOHhh look at the pretty girls doing mooooodelling!!" I sang, skipping away from Tank.

He growled again and chased me around the room. I dodged around chairs, under the table, over the beds, and into the closet.

"Come out! I can't _stand _this!" Tank hollered, banging on the closet door.

"But don't you think Tyra Banks is a hottie?" I yelled back.

I heard a deep sigh and snickered. Technically, he wasn't supposed to think other women were hot 'cause he was dating Kiley, but I knew he did.

* * *

I waited a while and when I heard Tank sit back on the bed, I came out of the closet. When I saw the suitcase on the bed, I started to retreat back _into_ the closet, only to be grabbed by Tank. He threw me onto the bed and sat on me.

"I don't think Kiley will be too thrilled to hear about you straddling me," I said with difficulty. Tank is one _heavy_ mother.

He crossed his arms over his chest. "Give me the remote back."

Some girl was crying on the show. "No," I said.

Tank narrowed his eyes. "I'm not gonna move until you give me the fucking remote."

"Well you're gonna be sitting there for while then," I said, shifting under him to breathe better. I had the remote in the pocket of my sweat-shirt.

"Damn it," Tank muttered, and dug his hands into my sweatshirt pocket which he was sitting on. It tickled like a bitch, and I writhed on the bed screaming at him to stop.

"AHHH IT TICKLES!!"

"Give me the remote!"

I tried to pry his hands away from my stomach. "NEVER!"

Ten minutes later Tank had the remote and was watching CSI and I was handcuffed to the lamp above the bedside table.

"Asshole," I said.

Tank just smirked.

* * *

"Taaaank," I whined, "I'm hunnnnngwy…."

Tank grabbed the hotel phone and pressed three for room service. "What do you want?" he asked.

"Pasta," I said.

Tank flipped open the menu and ordered a spaghetti and meatballs for me, large everything pizza for himself.

"Fatty," I said when he hung up.

Tank ignored me.

"I have to pee," I said.

"So pee."

"But…I'm on my bed."

He smiled, still staring at the TV.

"Come on…" I whined.

"Say it," Tank said.

I took a deep breath and shut my eyes. "Jamie is a little turd who deserves to be eaten alive by monkeys." Tank had made that up when we were drunk one night, and he locked me out of the apartment. He tossed me the key and I unlocked myself. "You're gonna pay for that," I said.

"Yeah, right."

There was a knock at the door. "You get it," Tank said.

I rolled my eyes and got up. "Lazy ass."

I handed Tank his platter of pizza and sat down on the bed next to him with my plate of spaghetti. We ate in comfortable silence, watching a shoot-'em-up movie on TV. I was finished with half my spaghetti when I knew it was time for pay back. Casually twisting a rather large portion of noodles and sauce onto my fork, I lifted it up and turned the fork and rested my fingers on the tines.

"Hey, Tank," I said.

He turned his head in my direction and I flung the forkful of spaghetti at him.

"DAMMIT!" he yelled, and threw a slice of pizza at me. I lunged out of the way.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha you can't get me!" I sang, throwing a meatball at him.

He picked up his glass of beer and emptied it on my head. I took my plate of pasta and threw it at him. He scooped up a handful of pizza toppings, grabbed my collar, and shoved the stuff down the front of my shirt. I bolted away for the ice bucket and started pelting him with ice cubes. He roared and grabbed the bottle of Dr. Pepper on the bedside table, coming after me. We were both yelling and swearing, tripping over clothes and duffle bags, running around the hotel room. Tank grabbed the waistband of my rocket-shit pajama bottoms and dumped a liter of Dr. Pepper down the back. I shrieked and jumped away, but he got a hold of me again, pinned me against the wall, and poured the rest of the Dr. Pepper down the front of my pajamas.

"Now I'm going to be all sticky down there," I said, pushing Tank off me.

He threw me a wolf grin. "At least it'll taste better for Ranger."

My jaw dropped. Then my eyes narrowed into little slits of death and I jumped on Tank, beating on him. "That is _so_ inappropriate and _gross_ and _sick_ and you _are a creepy fuckhead!_" I yelled. Tank was laughing his flabby ass off, trying to pry me off of him. It wasn't working too well, though.

"You're a _creep_," I said to Tank.

"I couldn't resist."

I crossed my arms. "Hmmph."

Tank looked around the room. "Jeezus, it's like World War three with food bombs," he said.

There was spaghetti sauce on the walls and curtains, pizza on the ceiling and TV, soda and beer all over the beds and floor, meatballs rolling around on tables, and ice cubes soaking into the pillows. "We did good," Tank said with a grin towards me.

I glared at him. "I'm not talking to you, I hope you know that."

He laughed out loud. "I figured. You can take a girl's virginity, but you can't take the virgin out of the girl."

I chucked my stun-gun at him. "Fuck you!"

He grinned at me. "When Ranger's finished."

My jaw dropped again.


	17. Fun Times with a Ghost

Hey, guess who updated? Bowlingforshrimp did!! WOOOHOOO!!! party confetti cake

**Fun Times with a Ghost**

"Mail's here," I said to Ranger, dumping the pile of envelopes on the stack of paperwork he was filling out. He cleared off the pile and glanced at me.

"You're supposed to put that in my inbox."

I was currently working as Rangeman's substitute mail girl while Patty was on her honey-moon. "Oh deal with it," I said. I sat down on the edge of Ranger's desk and started to shuffle through the mail. One of the envelopes caught my eye. It was the size of a greeting card, with a typed address and no return address. I showed it to Ranger. "You think it's a ransom note?"

I had been working at Rangeman for a year and not once have we gotten some sort of big exciting case. Sure, I got to break down doors and be a body guard, but where's the fun in that?

"No. I think it's probably a card from one of my sisters," Ranger said, slicing open the envelope. He unfolded the paper inside and scanned it. "Shit," he said.

I grabbed it from him. "What? What is it?" I read over the page. It said that our buddy Tank had been kidnapped and was being held for ransom. I started to laugh so hard I fell off the desk. Ranger pulled something else from the envelope. It was a picture of Tank duct-taped to a chair. It looked like he was trying to kill the camera with his eyes. He was wearing the same outfit he had on two nights ago at a nightclub we were pulling a job for. Ranger handed me the picture. "I was wondering why he hadn't come in to work yesterday or today," he said, "I just assumed it was those two blondes who took him home that night."

I snickered some more.

Ranger stood up and bent over to take the letter out of my hand. "Tank will he happy to hear you were worried about him."

"Who's holding him ransom?" I asked from the floor.

Ranger re-read the letter. "Richard Turner. Shit."

I don't think I've ever heard Ranger swear so much. I got to my feet and resituated myself on Ranger's desk. "Who's Richard Turner?"

"Three years ago Tank did a body guard job for Turner's daughter, Alex. She was Ms. America and there was some anti-pageant terrorist group after her. Through a leak, the leader found out where Tank was keeping her and killed her. Her father thought it was Tank's fault, tried to kill him, and went to prison. I guess he's out now."

"Ick." That was the thing I hated about this job. People get killed, even despite your best efforts.

"How much does he want?"

"Five hundred thousand."

"Jeezus. Is Tank really worth that much?"

Ranger ignored me, folded the letter, and pushed it back into the envelope. He handed it to me. "Take this to Zero and tell him to find out what he can about the letter and Turner. Get Lester and Zero to meet us in the conference room in two hours. I want to get on this fast."

"Jordan's gonna want in on this too, ya know, what with all that brotherly competition and all."

The corners of Ranger's mouth tipped upwards ever so slightly. "He runs this branch of Rangeman, so he's the boss."

I skipped down the stairs to the fourth floor but stopped when I got near Zero's office. He was a guy who didn't speak, make any sort of noise, or show any sort of emotion. Hence the name Zero. I was half-afraid of him, mostly because when I first met him, I asked him why he didn't talk and he drilled his red eyes into mine for a minute straight. Plus he's always just there like an evil ghost trying to kill you with his mind. He was a big albino with white hair and red eyes, tattoos, a whole bunch of piercings, had spent a whole bunch of years in prison, and I knew he killed people for a living. Sometimes Rangeman operated on the dark side of the law, and sometimes there were people whose life should be cut short. Zero took care of those people.

I poked my head into Zero's office. He was bent over his desk reading a file. "Hey Zero," I said, and he looked up, piercing my head with his red eyes.

I scooted nervously into the office. "Tank was kidnapped, and we got a ransom note…uh…Ranger wanted you to find out what you could about it…and about a guy named Richard Turner… then meet us in the conference room on the fifth floor in a couple hours."

Zero took the envelope from me and nodded.

"Soo…yeah, okay, bubye," I said, and bolted.

The spring had returned to my step as I arrived at Jordan's office a few minutes later. Jordan was a big sweetie pie and Ranger's big brother. He was Ranger except taller and lankier, with a big happy smile he used often. But despite his friendly demeanor, Jordan could kick some serious ass when he wanted to.

"Hey Jorderoni," I said, plopping down in one of the visitor's chairs. He was on the phone with I was assuming his three-year-old, on account of the way he was baby-talking into the phone.

"You know," I said once he was done, "You do that when a client comes in here and he's gonna reconsider."

Jordan glared at me. "Whaddaya want?"

"Tank's been kidnapped."

Jordan nodded. "Ranger just called and told me. We're meeting in the conference room in two hours."

"Hey why does Ranger have a nickname and you don't?"

Jordan smiled. "Ricardo sounds like a Latin lover, not macho enough for this business."

When Zero arrived at the meeting he handed Ranger the envelope and a piece of paper. Ranger read it to us.

" 'The envelope comes from a stationary store called Westley's. They only have stores on the East coast, and judging from the clothes Tank is wearing in the picture, he was kidnapped the night of the club job, and the letter sent the next day. That means the letter only took one day to get here and probably came from the area around the closest Westley's, which is in Pembroke Pines, which is 7 miles north of here.' Good. What did you find out about Richard Turner?"

Zero handed him another piece of paper.

" 'Richard Turner owns a summer house in Teasure Shore., Pembroke Pines. Number 18352 on Northwest Eleventh street. He bought it for his daughter when she started college.' "

Lester winced beside me. "I remember that job," he murmured to me, "That Turner guy blamed Tank for his daughter's death."

"Poor Tank," I whispered.

"Zero, you take Jamie and up there now. Watch the house and see if you can't find easy ways in. Stay out of sight until Lester, Jordan, and I drive up after I talk to Turner. I'll call you when we leave."

Zero nodded and glanced at me. I sent him a smile a back. Great. I was stuck with the scary guy. He slid a note across the table that said to meet him in the garage in 10 minutes and then left. Everyone else dispersed to do his own thing, and Ranger followed me back to my Rangeman apartment.

"Way to leave me with the scary guy who kills people," I said, pulling a duffle bag out of my closet.

"Half the guys in this building are scary and kill people," Ranger said, watching me stuff a change of clothes into my bag.

"Yeah, but Zero reminds me of the guy in _The Da Vinci Code_. I'm afraid he's going to start whipping himself."

Ranger smiled. "I told him to take you so you won't be scared anymore. You know you can trust all the men who work here."

"I know that. I trust Zero, he just freaks me out. He kills people for a living. And he doesn't talk. What I am I supposed to do, talk to myself the entire time we're driving?"

"I think he'd throw you out the window."

"See? I can handle that. I've been thrown out windows before. I can do window-throwing. I can't do scary, red-eyed, I-kill-people, silence."

Ranger's smile widened. "You're really that scared of him?"

I narrowed my eyes and crossed my hands over my chest. "No. I just think he needs to smile more often."

"You can't smile too much, or people won't be afraid of you anymore," Ranger said.

"Not true!" I said, moving to the bathroom to shove essentials into my duffle bag, "Jordan smiles all the time and people still piss their pants when he walks into a room!"

"I think the last time I saw Zero smile was when we broke him out of prison and he killed a guard," Ranger said thoughtfully.

I felt my face pale. "That didn't really happen, did it?"

Ranger just shrugged. "You'll be fine Jamie. Believe me, he think it's funny that you're so scared of him."

"What? When did he say that?"

"On the note he gave me at the meeting. I didn't read all of it out loud."

I groaned. Ranger smiled and left.

Great.

When I got to the garage Zero was there waiting for me. He took the duffle bag from me, tossed it into the trunk of a Rangeman SUV, along with boxes of ammo and bullet-proof vests. I buckled myself into the front seat and didn't say anything while Zero pulled out of the garage.

It would only take ten minutes to get there, but with all this silence it was going to feel like forever. I looked out the window and fiddled with the lock. Zero slowed the car down and I looked ahead to a massive traffic jam on the highway.

"Wonderful," I said. Zero glanced at me in the rearview mirror with his scary red eyes.

A few minutes of scary silence went by. "Soo.." I said, "You wanna listen to some tunes?"

Zero didn't do anything.

"Blink once for yes, twice for no," I said.

He didn't do anything. I took that as a no and looked out the window again. My fingers wanted to tap on the wall of the car, but I forced them not to. I didn't want to annoy the scary killer.

Zero leaned forward and flipped on the radio. Phew.

Twenty minutes later we moved three inches. I tentatively changed the radio station, testing to see if Zero would stab me or not. When he didn't, I changed the stations until I found a song I liked, sat back, and resisted to urge to sing.

An hour later we successfully reached 18352 Eleventh Street, Treasure Shore. It was a white, one story house surrounded by palm trees and bushes. Those would be good for staying hidden. Zero parked the car in front of a for-sale house on the end of the street. He handed me a piece of paper with a phone number on it.

I dialed the number and waited. Three rings and then an automated answering machine. I hung up and looked at Zero. "No one's home," I said.

"Go and knock on the door," Zero said, making me jump. His voice was deep and quiet, just like his demeanor. He glanced at me with a raised eyebrow.

"I didn't know you could talk," I said, my eyes wide.

He didn't say anything so I got out of the car, got a gun from the trunk, and stuck it into the back of my black cargos. Probably someone would be suspicious if I wore a bullet-proof vest, so I just zipped myself into a Kevlar-lined jacket and walked down the street.

Nobody answered when I knocked. I rang the doorbell and still no one answered. I turned around and did a palms up to the black SUV. My cell phone buzzed.

"Walk around the house, don't do anything, stay hidden," Zero said, and hung up.

"Yes, ma'am," I grumbled, jumped off the porch, and started to circle the house. There was a door with doggy door, a few windows, and a sliding glass door in the back. That might be easy to get into.

Back at the SUV I made my report to Zero and he pulled away from the curb.

"Now what?" I asked.

"We'll come back tonight," Zero said.

"I kinda meant what do we do now?"

Zero's mouth had been zipped. No way was I gonna know what we do now, not when Zero's here.

Three minutes later the SUV pulled into the parking lot of a Best Western. Zero turned the car off and looked at me expectantly. Ranger had already got us a room, or two, hopefully.

I slid out of the car and checked us in at the front desk. I guess he didn't want to scare the lobby-people.

"Here are your keys," the woman said, "You and your husband are staying in room 302."

"In _room_?" I said, "as in _one_ room?"

The woman looked confused. "Well…yes, is there a problem?"

I sighed. "Nope," I said, "No problem." Other than the fact that I'm sleeping in the same room as a professional killer.

I went back to the SUV and helped Zero unload the car. I saw the eyes of the woman behind the check in desk widen when she saw Zero, and sent her an apologetic smile. There were two queen-sized beds in room 302. There was a table, a window, a couple lamps, and a TV. I scratched watching TV off my list of activities. I didn't think Zero watched TV.

"Call Ranger," Zero said.

I did. "Yo," Ranger said.

"Yo yourself. We're in _room_ 302," I said pointedly.

"It saves money to get one room," Ranger said. I could hear the smile.

"Save money? You don't need to save money! You're _rolling_ in money."

"Did you call for a reason?" Ranger asked.

"Yeah. We scoped out the house. There's a door we could pick that has a doggy door on it you could shove me through if you wanted, and a sliding glass door that could be easy to get by."

"Good. Turner called. He knows we found the house, but he wasn't there this afternoon, and he didn't say if Tank was there or not. He said he'll kill Tank if we don't send someone with a briefcase of money by tomorrow night at midnight."

"That's not very imaginative," I said.

"That's a good thing," Ranger said, and hung up.

I flopped down on the bed nearest the window and relayed the message to Zero. I was about to start ranting about the clichéd 'drop the money at midnight' thing, but then I remembered I was with a guy who probably would kill me if someone paid him enough.

Zero was at the laptop. I didn't know what he was doing, and frankly I didn't want to know. He was probably looking up his next hit. I was a little nervous about sharing a room with him, like I was a mouse and he was a cat that wasn't hungry for my species of mouse right now, but he might be soon. I tossed and turned on the bed, wishing I could watch TV. Finally I just fell asleep.

I woke up slowly. I thought someone was poking me, so I opened my eyes, and there was a giant red-eyed ghost. I shrieked and rolled away, so fast that I fell off the bed. I sat up and saw Zero standing on the other side of the bed, hands of hips. There was a knock on the door.

"Get the door," Zero said.

I stood up and stomped around the bed. "You scared the crap out of me just to tell me to answer the door? Why didn't _you_ answer the door?!" I think if Zero had answered the door he'd scare whoever was there into a coma.

I opened the door and took a tray of covered plates from the hotel guy, slapping a fin into his hand as a tip. I dropped the tray onto my bed and uncovered the plates. One was a heaping mound of spaghetti and the other was rice, vegetables, and chicken. I glanced at Zero. I assumed the spaghetti was mine, but I didn't want to get shot in case it wasn't.

Zero took the chicken plate. I dug into the pasta.

At eleven Zero stood up and looked at me. I followed him out the door, down six flights of stairs, and out to the car. We drove back to Turner's house, parked a block away, and geared up. Tonight's mission was simple: find an easy way into the house and get out alive. If we found Tank we'd call Ranger and wait for backup before making a move.

I noticed with a shiver that Zero was much scarier at night. He took out all his piercings, pulled a black ski mask over his ghostly white hair and head, and pulled on black gloves. I skipped the ski mask, just pulling on gloves and wearing black long sleeves.

I followed Zero to the house and motioned for me to go around one side, and he'd go around the other. I threw a salute and took off quietly through the bushes on the right side of the house. I tested the locks on all the windows, stuck my head into the doggy door, and by the time I'd made it to the back yard I had an escape root all planned out. No lights were on in the house, so I stuck my face right up to the glass back door and peeked in. A small dining room opened into a living room with a couch and a TV. The front door was to the right of the TV. On the left was a counter and beyond that a kitchen. I didn't see any blood or ropes or anyone tied to a chair, so I backed away from the window and turned around, running right into the scary, red-eyed ghost.

"Jeezus Christ on a moped," I gasped from my seat on the porch, "You really need to be less frightening." I sat up and checked that my heart had resumed beating. Zero grabbed hold of the back of my jacket and lifted me up.

"You need to be more aware of your surroundings," he said, then disappeared into the dark.

I assumed he was headed back to the car, so that's where I headed. It turned out I was right.

"Boy, I sure am learning how to read your mind," I said to Zero, buckling myself in.

Zero didn't say anything.

"Oh I agree, Kirsten Dunst's best movie was Bring it On. She was crap in Spiderman," I said, immediately regretting it.

Here's the thing about me. I'm a smartass, but I'm the good kind of smartass. I make people laugh. But on the other hand, my mouth will be the death of me. I say the worst things at the worst times. I've had the shit kicked out of me just for saying something stupid. And when I'm really nervous, my mouth gets smarter and smarter. That's what was happening now. Zero made me nervous. He scared the crap out of me. So my mouth compensated for it by being a smartass. I sunk deeper into my seat and rubbed my eyes.

Zero glanced at me, eyes slightly narrowed.

I couldn't sleep that night. I was too nervous. Zero was in his bed, two feet away, sleeping on his back. I was sitting up in mine, watching him, half-expecting to see him wake up possessed. By two AM I was getting woozy I was so tired, but every time I'd close my eyes I'd think about Zero being two feet away and flip out again. At two thirty my cell phone vibrated.

"Hello?" I whispered. I didn't want to wake up Zero. He might kill me.

"I knew you'd be awake," Ranger said.

"You know me too well."

"Yeah. Listen, just go to sleep. Zero isn't going to kill you. He thinks you're cute."

My eyes widened and I glanced over at the sleeping daemon. "He doesn't really, does he?"

"He's a guy. Of course he thinks you're cute. Just go to sleep."

"You know you just made sure I got _no_ sleep, right? I can't sleep if he thinks I'm cute!"

"Christ Jamie, go to sleep," Ranger said, then he hung up.

I flipped my phone shut and turned to lie down, but there was Zero sitting up and staring at me. I let out a squeak and yanked the covers over my head and curled into a ball. All dignity was lost, and I didn't care.

"Hey wake up!" Someone yelled. The blankets were yanked off me and someone jumped on me.

"Come on, sleepy-head," Jordan said, tickling me, "Get up!"

I groaned and tried to shove him off me, but he wouldn't budge. "Say uncle."

"Fuck you," I grumbled, thrashing wildly. We had a mini wrestling match which ended up on the floor, and Jordan finally let me go. I righted my shirt and boxers and stood up indignantly. "Jeezus Christ, a simple 'hey wake up' would suffice!"

"Sorry. I'm so used to waking up a seven-year-old, it's hard to get out of that habit."

I rolled my eyes and stomped past him to the big cart that had breakfast on it, grabbed a croissant, and sat down on the desk. "So what's happening?"

Lester, Jordan, Ranger, and Zero were all up and moving around the hotel room, setting up monitors and computers. I sat on my little desk and ate my croissant.

"Move," Lester said, shoving me aside. I glared at him while he set up a laptop next to Zero's.

Ranger got our attention and we all sat on a bed, listening to him.

"Turner called me. He'll be there tonight, with Tank, waiting for someone to deliver the money." Ranger looked at me. "Because Jamie's the smallest, she'll be sneaking in through the doggy door on the side. Zero, you go with her. You two can get to Tank, who will probably be held in a back room, while I deal with Turner. Jordan, you and Lester will be in a car across the street. Something unmemorable. He wants me to come alone, but there's no way in hell I'm doing that."

"Rock 'n' roll," Lester said.

"I'm not going to be home for dinner again," Jordan said dejectedly, "Leah's going to be pissed."

Lester made a whip noise.

"Hey you'd be scared of her too. She's a karate teacher."

"Damn, when does she teach? I think I need to brush up on my karate skills," Lester said with a lecherous grin.

Jordan smacked him upside the head.

The rest of the day went by like that. At eleven Lester and Jordan left to take their place. Now it was just me, Ranger, and Zero.

"Can I watch TV?" I asked nobody in particular.

"Only if it isn't some reality show," Ranger said.

I flipped on the tube and settled on Gilmore Girls.

"God no," Ranger said, taking the remote from me.

"What's wrong with Gilmore Girls? I love Gilmore Girls!"

"It's ridiculous."

"Ridiculously _amazing_."

"It has no plot."

"It has plenty of plot. It's the pratfalls of mother and daughter. It's tear-jerking."

"Only because it's boring."

"You have no taste in TV shows, Mr. C-Span."

"I don't watch C-Span!"

"I saw you! A couple weeks ago!"

"Lying sack of shit."

"Lying sack of vomit."

"Lying sack of guts."

"Slut."

"I can't believe a girl just called me a slut," Ranger said, shaking his head.

Zero was sitting at the desk, doing something on the computer.

"I think we're annoying Zero," Ranger said.

"Everything annoys Zero. He doesn't know how to have fun," The only reason I said that was because Ranger was in the room and I knew Ranger wouldn't let the killer kill me.

"It's eleven-thirty. Let's go," Ranger said, pushing himself off the bed.

"Let's blow this popsicle stand," I said, following him.

We were all decked out in Kevlar, guns, knives, earpieces, microphones, walkie-talkies, and a briefcase of money. The street was dark, people were asleep, and guard dogs were snoring. Ranger dropped me and Zero off on the street behind Turner's house so we could sneak in the backyard. I'd found a loose board on the fence that we could sneak through. When I we were in place at the door on the side of the garage, I waited for Lester to give the signal.

Ten minutes later, Lester whispered in my ear. "Go get 'em, Tiger."

The lock on the door was all rusty and crusty with something so Zero couldn't pick it. I sighed and stuck my head in the doggy door, then my arms with a flashlight, and I hauled myself through. The sides got stuck on my hips for a moment, but I managed to wriggle through. I stood up and shined the flashlight around. It was a one-car garage, filled with boxes of stolen merchandise, a big tool shelf, bags of garbage, and an old sofa. No Tank in sight. I opened the door from the inside to let Zero in and we crept through the garage to the door leading to the house. It wasn't locked. I pushed it open carefully and peeked into the kitchen. The light was on, there was some sandwich stuff on the counter, and Tank tied to a swivel chair at the table, head down on his chest.

I could hear Ranger and Turner talking at the front door. I shined the flashlight at Tank's eyes. He didn't look up. Crap. Zero and I tip-toed into the house, listening for Turner. Well, I tip-toed. Zero is just silent naturally. Ranger was stalling Turner, saying he didn't believe Tank was here. The plan was Zero and I get Tank out before Ranger tells Turner to prove Tank is here, and when he's not, we get to keep the money, and Ranger beats the hell out of Turner.

"Have you got him out yet?" Lester asked in my ear.

"No," I whispered. "He's unconscious, or drugged, or something."

"Hurry up," Lester said.

Tank's mouth was covered with duct-tape. I poked him in the shoulder. He didn't wake up. I smacked him in the head, pulled his ears, and kicked him in the shin. Only when I tapped him with the flashlight (not too softly) in the crotch did he wake up.

"Mmmph," Tank growled, glaring at me. He had a black eye and the muscle around his jaw was swollen. Turner probably beat the shit out of him. I grinned at him and bent down to start sawing at the ropes around his legs, while Zero cut the ropes around his wrisits. I gestured for him to be quiet and helped him out of the chair. He looked really tired and woozy and winced when he moved.

"Show me," I heard Ranger say. Shit.

"Fine," Turner said angrily, "I'll go get him. Wait here or I'll shoot you."

I heard footsteps coming and tried to hurry Tank up, but he was slowing down fast. He was really heavy and I could barely lift him when he started to pass out. Zero took him into the garage, but before I could get through myself, Turner saw me.

"You bitch!" He yelled, raising a gun and pulling the trigger.

Thankfully I was wearing Kevlar, so the shot didn't kill me, but I was thrown back into the table. I felt a piercing pain in my ribs, vaguely saw Zero appear over me, gun pointing at Turner, and then I was out.

I was in a hospital bed. There was tape around my chest and a hot Cuban at my side.

"Is Tank okay?" I asked Ranger.

Ranger nodded to the bed behind him. "See for yourself."

I looked beyond Ranger to see Tank snoring away. "How about Zero? Is he okay?"

Ranger nodded again. "He's fine. Pissed that Turner shot you, but fine."

"Pissed like 'She's-so-incompetant-that-she-got-shot pissed?" I asked.

Ranger smiled. "No. It was more like vengeful pissed. He likes you."

Well that was good. "So…is Turner dead?"

Ranger looked at me. "Zero believes in an eye for an eye. Turner shot you."

Oh. "Ah."

"Hey, why don't _I_ have any visitors?" Tank said groggily, "I was the one who was kidnapped."

Ranger turned to talk to him and I slid out of hospital bed, wincing at the pain in the ribs, and climbed into Tank's. "Is that better?" I asked him.

He moved over and put his arm around me. "Yeah. It might even make up for you punching me in the nuts while tied to that chair."

"You punched him in the nuts when he was tied to the chair?" Jordan appeared in the doorway. "That's low, Jamie, even for you." He handed me a yellow teddy bear and Tank a can of beer and pulled up a chair next to Ranger.

"I didn't punch him in the nuts! I was trying to wake him up and that was the last resort. Besides, I didn't _punch_ him, I whacked him with a flashlight," I added, hugging my teddy bear.

Ranger and Jordan both winced.

They discharged me and Tank that night, and we were told to get lots of rest and not work for a week or two. I resumed my job as Rangeman's Mail Girl, took a new job as Tank's evil nurse, and whined about not getting any field work.

"Shut up Jamie," Ranger said.

I glared at him and continued my morningly mail-delivery. I had three big envelopes for Zero. I glanced at the address, to see if Zero's real name was on there, but it just said Zero. Damn.

"Hey Zero," I said, poking my head into his office. He looked up at me. "Mail's here," I said.

I dropped the envelopes on Zero's desk. "So…Ranger told me that you shot Turner," I said, fiddling with a stapler. I looked at Zero. He nodded.

"I dunno if 'thanks' is necessarily the right word, but, well, thanks," I said.

I could have sworn I saw a hint of a smile. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking.

**Zee Ehnd**


	18. Ranger's Poprocks

**Ranger's Poprocks**

"I don't know how long I'll be gone," Ranger said softly, kissing my knuckles, "It might be weeks, months, a year tops."

I smiled up at him. "As long as you come back," I said.

He drew me up and long, yummy kiss, and then he was gone.

* * *

4 months later. I was sex deprived; Ranger deprived, and was tired of Tank running Rangeman. Not that he was a bad boss, 'cause he was a good one. But when I played pranks on him he made me sit through boring meetings or take extra control room shifts or put me on surveillance. Bitch. 

I wanted Ranger to come home. He hadn't been able to contact me since the first week. He had said that he'd like to send messages through Tank, but all of them would be smutty and dirty and that would be hella embarrassing, so I told him I could guess what the messages would be and we left it at that.

"Hey Tanky, when's Ranger coming home?" I asked Tank, slumping in his office chair.

"Not for awhile, Jelly Bean, he's caught up in a lot of shit," Tank said, typing away at the computer.

"Bad, killing shit?" I asked.

Tank glanced at me. He wasn't going to lie, but he didn't want to worry me. "Maybe," he said.

I slumped lower. "Great," I grumbled.

"Stay positive, Jamie," Tank said, "Ranger's unstoppable. He'll be fine."

"Jamie, we gotta go," Lester said from the doorway, "come on."

I stood up and followed Lester down the hall

* * *

Three hours later I was standing under Ranger's shower, wrapped in Bulgari, cursing the distraction Gods. This guy I had to lure out of a bar was so slimy I could actually feel it on me. When he hadn't caught onto my sexiness, Lester made me dance with him. He was creepy and his hands had roamed everywhere, so let's just say I was a little more than grossed out. 

I got out of the shower, power dried myself next to the heater Ranger bought me, and jumped into bed in my birthday suit. I loved how his sheets felt against my skin. They were silky smooth, shiny gold and gorgeous against the black bedspread. I slid over to Ranger side, smushed my face into his pillow, and breathed deep.

"Mmm…Ranger," I sighed, and fell asleep.

* * *

"Hey lazybones, wake up," Tank said, smacking me on the head. Lord knows how he got into Ranger's apartment. I burrowed deeper into Ranger's pillow. 

"No," I said.

Tank whipped the blanket off me and whistled. "Jeezus, I didn't know you slept naked."

I was on my stomach, so I wasn't revealing much, and I was too tired to be embarrassed. "I was too lazy to get into pajamas last night," I said into the pillow.

Tank laughed. "Yeah right. You were probably in here all alone pretending your hands were Ranger's."

I grabbed a pillow for cover, flipped onto my back and glared at Tank. "That's gross! I don't do that!" Okay, so I lie. But hey, I was deprived here.

Tank laughed some more. He tossed a package at me. "This is for you. I think it's from Ranger."

I tore it open. DVD. There was a note inside the jewel case.

_'Sorry I can't talk to you, Chicklet, but here's something that'll make you smile. I don't know how much longer I'll be gone. Don't let Tank seduce you, overwork you, or kill you. I love you. _

_ Ranger'_

Aaaww…

"What's it say?" Tank asked, leaning over. "Seduce you? And get my ass kicked? Yeah right. So not worth it."

"Oh thanks," I said, sliding off the bed. I held the pillow to my front and scooted around the bed, trying hard not to flash Tank too much. He took the DVD from me into the living room while I exchanged the pillow for Ranger's shirt and silk boxers he left just for me.

I flopped down on the couch next to Tank. He had the remote aimed at the DVD player but wasn't moving.

"Hit play," I said.

Tank glanced at me. "What if it's Ranger porn?" he asked uneasily.

I grabbed the remote from him. "Oh don't be such a homophobe. Besides, he wouldn't do that to me!" I hit play and Tank shut his eyes.

There was Ranger, standing in a very generic, white-walled room, wearing big sunglasses, ripped jeans, no shirt, and holding a tennis racket like it was a guitar. His hair was down and mussy like a rockstar's. Music started to play. I instantly recognized it as one of my favorite Green Day songs, _Poprocks and Coke_. Ranger was lip-syncing the words, strumming the tennis racket and jumping around. I smiled. Tank opened his eyes and smiled too.

**Wherever you go  
You know I'll be there**

Ranger pointed at me and did some head banging.

**If you go far,  
You know I'll be there  
I'll go anywhere,  
So I'll see you there  
You place the name  
You know I'll be there  
You name the time  
You know I'll be there  
I'll go anywhere  
So I'll see you there**

He was really getting into the whole rockstar intense dancing. His hair was flying everywhere and I loved it. I smiled some more.

** I don't care if you don't mind  
I'll be there not far behind  
I will dare  
Keep in mind  
I'll be there for you**

**Where there's truth  
You know I'll be there  
Amongst the lies  
You know I'll be there  
I'll go anywhere  
So I'll see you there**

**I don't care if you don't mind  
I'll be there not far behind  
I will dare  
Keep in mind  
I'll be there for you**

There was a solo. Ranger did some nifty moves with the tennis racket, putting it behind his head and playing it like he meant business. When the solo ended he pointed right at the camera and started to lip-sync again.

** If you should fall  
You know I'll be there  
To catch the call  
You I'll be there  
I'll go anywhere  
So I'll see you there**

**I don't care if you don't mind  
I'll be there not far behind  
I will dare  
Keep in mind  
I don't care  
I'll be there for you  
I'll be there for you**

He ended with a half kneeling, fist in the air, dramatic pose as the screen faded to black.

"Nice," Tank said.

"Amazing," I said.

"He's gonna get _laid_ when he gets back," Tank said.

"Oh hell yes."

Tank laughed and stood. "I'm assuming you're going to be watching this all day, so how about you take the day off?"

"Aw, you're such a sweetie, Tank. I don't care what they say about you."

Tank rolled his eyes and left.

I rewound and hit play again, this time singing along.

The End. How about some reviews, people?


	19. The Attack!

This is probably the most pointless fic I've ever written. But it sounded fun, so I wrote about it. Enjoy!**  
**

**The Attack**

Ranger and Tank were gone. Kiley and I were stuck in the Rangeman building, on house arrest, because some guy from the boys' past were threatening us. So Ranger and Tank put us house arrest. And then they left to stop this guy. Bastards. But they did tell everyone in the building to do our bidding. Bow to our whim. Be our slaves!

So me and Kiley ordered Rockstar, Red Bull, Pixie Stix, gummy bears, Swedish fish, and various other forms of sugar. And now we were sufficiently bouncing off the walls. We'd pushed all the furniture to the walls, played twister, combat monopoly, and danced until we'd collapsed on the floor. After another dose of energy drinks and chocolate cake, we were running on sugar high, on our jolly ways to diabetes, and probably if you cut one of us, sugar would come pouring out instead of blood.

We were pretty hyper.

"Dude. Gummy salad!" I said, bouncing up and down.

"What?"

"Gummy salad!"

"Gummy salad?"

"GUMMY SALAD!"

"How do you make gummy salad?" Kiley asked, doing a cartwheel.

"Make gummy lettuce, gummy tomatoes, gummy carrots, cummy croutons, and add gummy bears!"

"Whoa."

"I know, right?"

"Should we make it?"

"HECK YES!"

We couldn't find gummy lettuce, tomatoes, or carrots anywhere, so we mixed together Swedish Fish, gummy bears, gumballs, and Peach-Os into a big bowl and chowed down.

"Dude. When are Ricky and Patty coming back?"

"Dunno. Let's call them!"

"Okay!"

"A-OKAY!"

I yanked my cell phone out of my pocket and called Ranger.

"WHEN ARE YA COMING BACK, POOPOO PANTS?!"

"How much sugar have you had?"

"Lots."

"I figured."

"You didn't answer my question, Carly!"

"We're an hour out, Jelly Bean, calm down."

"NO!" I yelled, and then hung up.

"Well?" Kiley asked.

"An hour!"

"We should pay them back for ditching us!"

"YEAH!"

We devised a plan, and then called Lester to buy us whipped cream, water balloons, face-paint, and silly string.

"Jesus Christ you two," Lester said when he came back, looking around the room, "this looks like a civil war in Candy Land."

Kiley and I tried to deadpan, but we were so jittery we ended up snickering throughout our witty comeback. "Yeah, jeez, gosh, it was so awful. The Swedish Fish staged a coup and almost took down the Candy Cane insergents!"

"But then Rockstar and Gummy Salad came to the rescue and restored peace!" Then we fell over laughing. Lester left, shaking his head and muttering about crazy idiots and their sugar.

I stopped laughing suddenly. "Kiley! We only have…have…FOURTY-FIVE MINUTES!"

We both jumped up and put our plan into motion.

Fourty-four minutes later, Kiley and I were hiding behind the couch in battle positions. We'd painted our faces a bunch of different colors to blend in. We had a bucketful of whipped-cream-filled water ballons and four cans of silly string. The door clicked open and we weren't very successful at stifling snorts of laughter. We heard Ranger and Tank talking in the kitchen. I peeked over the edge of the couch. When I saw them coming into the living room, I gave Kiley the three second sign.

"Three," I mouthed.

"Two."

"ONE!"

"CHARRRRRGE!"

Kiley and I jumped out, me with the silly string, her with the bucket of balloons, and charged Ranger and Tank. They both looked startled as hell as Kiley chucked the whipped cream balloons and I shot the silly string. They tried to take cover in the kitchen but Kiley and I followed them, cornered them, and finished them off.

"JAMIE!" Kiley yelled.

"WHAT?!"

"I'm out of ammo!"

"RETREAT!!"

Kiley and I bolted from the kitchen and locked ourselves in the bathroom.

"What the fuck?" Tank said.

Ranger responded, but whatever he said was lost in our fit of giggles.

The--giggle--end


	20. Stripping Humiliation

**Stripping Humiliation**

"We're going to be _WHAT?!"_ I heard Tank yell from the hall. Kiley and I peeked around the doorjamb into Ranger's office. Tank was standing in front of his desk, hands planted on the desk, feet in power stance.

I saw Ranger try to suppress a smile and not have much luck. "Male strippers."

Tank's voice shot up an octave or two. "Male strippers?"

"Undercover. The woman we're trying to bust is having a birthday party tomorrow, and my informant says she wants male strippers."

"No. Fucking. Way," Tank said.

"Well gosh," Kiley said to Tank, making him whip around, "You do that all the time with _me, _why shouldn't a hoard of strange women be any different?"

Tank's eyes narrowed.

"Omigosh," I said, "Are you blushing?!"

He glared at me.

"Yes! Yes, you're blushing! Omigosh! Kiley made Tank BLUSH!"

"I am _not_ blushing. And I'm also not going to be an undercover stripper."

Kiley grinned. "Awe, come on, Tanky-poo, how about if Jamie and I go to this party? Then you can pretend you're just stripping for us."

I giggled. Sure, I'd snuck up on Tank in the shower and dumped garbage on him, but I'd never actually seen him _strip_. That might be fun.

"No fucking way am I stripping for Jamie. That's Ranger's job."

We all looked at Ranger, eyebrows raised.

"No way," Ranger said, "I'm the boss. Someone else can do it. I bet Lester would do it."

I slinked around Ranger's desk and sat my ass down in front of his laptop, propping my feet up on either side of his lap. I leaned in and smiled sexily at him, resting my head in my hands, batting my eyelashes. "Pleeeease?"

He couldn't resist me. I made doe-eyes and he groaned. "You can't really expect me to do something like that, can you?"

"I've always wanted to see Ranger nekked," Kiley said, then squeaked when Tank pinched her ass.

"I'm the boss," Ranger said, "I can't do that. It'll ruin my image."

I looked at him for a moment, then extracted his cell phone from his pocket and called Jordan.

"What?" Jordan muttered.

"Is Ranger the boss of Rangeman?"

"Not the Miami branch," Jordan said.

I disconnected and smiled at Ranger. "Well that problem is solved. Jordan says you're not the boss."

He dropped his head back and groaned again. I slid forward and sat on his lap. I kissed his neck and whispered in his ear. "You have no idea how laid you'll get if you do the stripper thing," I said.

He wrapped his arms around my waist but kept his head back. "You're a bitch," he said.

I stood up and clapped my hands together. "Awesome! Two male strippers in the house! Kiley," I said, turning towards the two sniggering idiots, "We have to go to the mall to get stripper suits!"

Ranger made a small noise behind me, like a bird hitting a window. Tank's face paled. Kiley and I skipped out of the room, laughing like maniacs.

* * *

Two hours later we were all in Ranger's apartment, Kiley and I making Tank and Ranger try on all the clothes we bought. 

"I liked the tuxedos better than the jogging suits," Kiley said, tilting her head to one side.

"Me too, but the tuxes are harder to rip off," I said.

Kiley and I were sitting on the couch, scrutinizing Ranger and Tank. The two grumpy boys were standing in front of us, glaring.

"We could modify them a little," Kiley said, "Make our own buttons on the sides of the pants and camouflage them."

I nodded. "We could do that. Go try on the next outfit!" I ordered.

Ranger and Tank stomped out of the room. A few minutes later they stomped back in wearing full-body, white and sparkly, giant collared Elvis suits. Kiley lost it. I took pictures, then lost it. We immediately scratched the King off our list of fashion inspiration.

The next outfit was rapper-style, then speedos (Kiley and I took a moment to appreciate the sexy bodies), then farmers, The Village People-style (Ranger looked quite sexy as an Indian), and finally Batman and Robin. They both hated us by this time, and I had a new collection of photos to mail to my sister, Stephanie.

Kiley and I decided the tuxedos were the best choices. They looked hot, not too humiliating, and they would allow Ranger and Tank to fit in with the crowd before they started their show. After the fashion show, Ranger called a meeting to lay out the game plan. He and Tank were in the speedos on request from me and Kiley.

"Here's the plan," Ranger started, as dignified as he possibly could, "I can get Jamie and Kiley invited, so we'll have backup. You know how to use a gun?" He asked Kiley. She nodded. "Good. The party is in the basement of the Hilton in the center of town. Kiley and Jamie will arrive separately. The target, Venessa Curtis, is a rich, powerful woman. The wife of a presidential candidate. We've been hired by her mother-in-law to take her down. There will be enough people there that Kiley and Jamie will blend in."

He smiled a little ruefully. "The strip-show starts at ten. It'll be a surprise. Tank and I will pull Venessa on stage and, um, perform, then we'll take her into the back with the disguise of a happy ending."

Tank cringed. Kiley and I lost it again.

"After ten minutes," Ranger continued when we were well enough to listen, "Jamie will excuse herself, then Kiley, and you'll meet us in the back of the hotel, and we'll cart Venessa into police custody. Sound good?"

Kiley and I did a salute. "Yes sir!"

"What did this Venessa woman do anyway?" I asked.

"She's been stealing campaign money from her husband," Ranger said, "Her mother-in-law says she's been having an affair with her husband's biggest rival and stealing money from her husband for the rival."

"What a slut," Kiley said.

It was dinnertime by the time we made it past all the details. Kiley was giving Tank _the look_, so he excused them both and pulled Kiley out of the room, still in his little black speedo. I was giving Ranger a similar look.

Ranger tipped his chair back and clasped his hands behind his head and grinned at me.  
"See something you want?"

More than life itself. I was about to voice this when my stomach rumbled.

Ranger's grin widened. "Looks like we're gonna have to wait awhile."

I sighed and went to the 'fridge in search of food. In Jamie World, food _always_ comes before sex. I rooted around the fridge until I found the left-over cake from last night. I think I have a lot of my sister in me. Cake comes first. Then sex. Period.

"Yum," I said, sitting down next to Ranger with a fork in my hand.

He leaned over and made out with my neck while I ate my fatty, frostingy, yellow cake. I was trying to focus on the cake but I was getting really jealous of my neck and I figured what the hell, why not have sex _and_ cake? I took a scoop of frosting and dropped it on Ranger's chest.

"Oops," I said.

"You better get that cleaned up," Ranger said, grinning at me.

"Probably. And I don't want to waste it, 'cause, you know, waste not want not."

"You better just eat it then," Ranger said.

"I guess so. And I probably don't want to use a fork, or even a spoon, 'cause I might get really excited about the frosting and stab you."

"I guess that just leaves your tongue."

"Pretty convenient, huhn? I don't need to use all that extra effort to maneuver a utensil."

"You can put that effort to good use in other areas."

"Boy, we sure are good at this whole conserving energy thing," I said, leaning forward.

* * *

By the next morning the cake was completely gone, plus two more cakes were down the hatch. Ranger was in the shower, and I was thinking that I didn't need any more cake for four or five years. It was Saturday, the day of The Party, and Kiley and I had a lot of work to do. We had to fix Ranger and Tank's tux pants and get dresses for the Par-Tay. I didn't normally like to dress in skirts or dresses, but tonight I had to fit in. 

Ranger came out of the bathroom and fell facedown onto the bed. There was a towel wrapped unfortunately around his waist. He turned his head and looked at me.

"I think I gained ten pounds from all that cake last night," he said.

"Then lost it all, what with all the exercise," I said.

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me for a while. We were about to start where we left off last night when Tank's voice boomed through the apartment.

"You two better not be doing what I think you're doing!"

"Wanna watch?" I yelled back.

"Augh! I'd have to poke my eyes out with a hot iron!"

I rolled off of Ranger and skipped to the shower.

"Aw, Tank, we aren't _that_ bad," I heard Ranger say.

When I got out of the shower, fully clothed, Kiley, Tank, and Ranger were sitting at the counter eating eggs and sausage. I plopped down on Ranger's lap and dug into his plate.

"We've got a lotta work today, Kiley-pants," I said. Ranger tried to steal his fork away but I elbowed him.

"We gotta teach these suckers how to strip," Kiley said, grinning at Tank.

"And we gotta put velcro on their tux pants."

"And wax every inch of their bodies."

"And rub oil all over them so they look shiny."

"And—"

"SHUT UP!" Tank and Ranger yelled at the same time. I didn't think they were too thrilled about anything we were talking about. Kiley and I just giggled and finished eating.

* * *

_RIIP_ "OW! FUCK!" I had just ripped the wax cloth off of Ranger's hairy leg. 

"Oh be quiet, you pansy," I said, applying more wax.

RIIP "GODDAMMIT FUCK!"

"Jeezus Christ, Ricardo, you make less noise when you get shot in the arm!"

"Being shot doesn't hurt that bad!"

I shook my head and ripped again.

"AUGH!"

I knew Tank was going through similar torture right now.

"Listen, Ranger, if you're really good I'll give you a quickie before the party."

"For this you're going to be my sex slave for the next ten years."

I couldn't muster up any real dread, so I just started on Ranger's other leg.

"OW!"

* * *

Everything was done. Ranger and Tank were grumpy but wonderful looking, Kiley and I looked hot in our fancy dresses, and everyone was armed to the teeth. Well, except for Ranger and Tank. They didn't really have anywhere to hide anything seeing as they were going to take it all off. 

Ranger glanced at my dress when we were in the elevator. "Not your usual craziness," he said.

Whenever I got dressed up for a party, I always wore something colorful, dazzling, sparkly, bright, or sequined to stand out. Tonight I was in a simple, form fitting black dress. Kiley was in something similar but white. We wanted to blend in so no one would notice us. I had kept my hair down and really, really curly. Kiley's was in a pony tail.

"Yeah, but it's still hot, right?" I asked, smiling at Ranger.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me. "Yeah," he said.

Ranger and Tank dropped me off in front of the hotel. They were going to drop Kiley off in twenty minutes, and then arrive themselves ten minutes later. The party was pumping when I got the basement of the Hilton. The hostess was an early-forties blond, dressed in a long pink dress and fake breasts. She looked the epitome of high society, flitting around the room, dropping compliments here, backstabbing there. I slid over to the food table and popped a grape into my mouth.

"Do I know you?" an annoying feminine voice said from behind me. I turned around and faced Vanessa Curtis. She wasn't as beautiful as people acted around her. It was obvious that she used wrinkle-cream and bleached her hair every week. Her eyes were a nice shade of blue, but other than that, I wouldn't like to stare at her for the rest of my life.

"No, probably not," I said, not able to resist, "I'm one of Bill's hookers. He invited me." I honestly didn't know if there was a Bill in the room, but I was guessing there was.

Venessa slid a glance over at a group of men. Bingo. "I thought Bill was gay."

Oops. "Well, he makes me a wear a dildo."

Her upper lip curled up. "Well, don't get anything dirty," she said snobbily, and then walked away.

"Bitch," I muttered.

I heard a chuckle from beside me. "What?" I snapped.

A blond guy was standing on the other side of the hors d'oeuvres table. "You're a good liar," he said, smiling.

"Yeah, well, I was taught by the best."

"And who would that be?"

"Well Bill, obviously. You really think he's gay?"

The guy burst out laughing. "Well I would assume so, seeing as I'm his boyfriend."

Damn. "You won't tell anyone, will you?"

He shook his head, still smiling hugely. "Your secret's safe with me, Chicklet, now why don't you tell me what you're really doing here?"

I smiled. "Well, I'm actually John's hooker."

The smile on his face didn't leave. "Ah. I didn't know an 80-year-old priest could still perform, much less engage in sinful sexual acts."

Damn! "Well, you know, when you're pushing ninety, and you haven't been with a woman in what, 70 years? Men have needs, you know? Not just the heathens."

The blond laughed again.

I saw Kiley enter out of the corner of my eye. She strolled over to the table. "Hello," she said brightly, "Wonderful party, don't you think?"

The blond smiled at her. "Indeed. What's your name, pretty lady?"

I snorted. Kiley ignored me. "Kiley. And you?"

"Jeremy. Nice to meet you. And if you see an eighty-year-old priest around here, this is his escort…"

"Jamie," I said.

Kiley smiled at me. "Nice to meet you, Jamie."

"It's my pleasure."

"It must be awfully dull to have to exchange pleasantries all over again," Jeremy said, a knowing twinkle in his eyes.

Kiley and I glanced at each other. "He's on to us," I said, "He's already figured out I'm too classy to be a hooker."

Kiley shrugged. "Ah, you aren't that great a liar anyway."

"If we weren't at a fancy party pretending to be strangers, I'd throw a tomato at you."

"So, ladies, what are you really doing here? Going to bring down Mrs. Curtis for stealing and adultery?"

We stared open-mouthed at him. He laughed at us.

"It's not like nobody knows. It's not really a secret. Vanessa gets drunks and tells everyone everything."

"Her husband doesn't know?"

"He's the only one out of the loop."

"Why doesn't anyone tell him?" I asked. What bitches!

Jeremy shrugged. "In this world, nobody sees anything."

Kiley and I glanced at each other.

A tall, tan, brown-haired man appeared next to Jeremy. "Hey honey," he said. He glanced at me. "I heard my hooker is here. Really, Jere-bear, it was nothing serious. I can explain."

Kiley let out a laugh through her pâté. I put my hands on my hips and glared at who I guessed was Bill.

"Well you know, you never told me you were gay!"

He glared right back at me. "I figured the dildo would have tipped you off!"

"So you had eclectic tastes! I've seen a lot of weird stuff, workin' the streets."

He stared at me for a moment. "You are a terrible liar."

I rolled my eyes. "No I'm not! I was trained to lie by a dozen and a half ex-Special Forces guys. I think I can pull it off really well."

"She has a point," Kiley said.

Jeremy and Bill smiled. "That would make sense." Jeremy said. "We were Special Forces."

I took a moment to look them over. They weren't especially buff. Maybe late forties, early fifties. They had that air about them, though, the same one Ranger and Tank had. I wondered why I didn't notice it before.

"Okay," I said, "I can see that."

The party was interrupted a strong, generic beat. Vanessa shrieked happily. Kiley I and turned to the door to see none other than Ranger and Tank, grinning and making their way over to little-miss-fake boobs.

I had to bite back a laugh. Their grins turned seductive as they moved around Vanessa. She looked like she was about to faint. The people in the room were laughing and clapping. Women were cheering extra loud. Ranger and Tank moved around the room, enchanting women, pinching asses, kissing people. Ranger slid up to me and planted a wet one on my lips. Tank did the same to Kiley and they sauntered off. Then they started to strip, and the women cheered louder.

Once the pants came off the women were apoplectic with joy. Three of them tried to jump Ranger. Tank was getting bills shoved into his speedo. Then the two of them grabbed an equally apoplectic Vanessa and dragged her on the little stage. They rubbed up against her for a few beats, making her scream with joy, and then pulled her backstage, sending the crowd a few eyebrow waggles before disappearing behind the curtain.

The crowd burst into applause. Kiley and I cheered extra loud. It's not everyday you get to see your boyfriend do a strip tease to a crowd of people.

We turned back to Jeremy and Bill. They were open-mouthed staring.

"Hey, back off," I said, "Those are OURS."

Their gaze snapped to me and then they both burst out laughing. They were laughing so hard they leaned against each other, tears running down their face. People turned to look and Kiley and I glanced at each other.

"Holy shit," Jeremy said, recovering first. Bill was now supporting himself on the wall.

"What's the big deal?" Kiley asked.

"Those two strippers, are they undercover with you? Or are they actually strippers?"

Kiley hesitated. "The former," I said. I was getting a trust-worthy vibe from these two.

Jeremy looked slightly relieved. "Good, because if a cadet _I_ trained turned out to be a stripper I think I'd have to shoot him."

"I wouldn't just shoot them," Bill said weakly, wiped out from the laughing "I'd flog them and make them clean bathrooms for years."

Kiley and I stared. "You know them?"

"We _trained_ them," Bill said. "Ricardo Manoso and Patrick Samuels, right?"

"Jesus Christ," I said, "yeah."

Jeremy shook his head. "They were good. Doesn't Ricardo run a company called RangeMan now?"

"Yup," I said, grinning. "I work for him. Kiley's just a tag-along."

"Well, it was very nice to meet you, but knowing Ricardo, I'd guess you'd better get backstage to help secure Vanessa."

"I suppose so. You'll meet us out back in a few minutes? I want to see Ranger's reaction."

"Will do," Bill said.

Kiley and I shoved our way through the crowd to the back door. "Small freaking world, isn't it?" I said.

"Tank's going to be _SO_ pissed," Kiley said, grinning.

"This is the best night of my life."

We made our way to the maintenance door where a black SUV was waiting. Two minutes later Ranger and Tank came out the door, pulling a blind-folded Vanessa between them. She was giggling happily, reaching out to grope both of them occasionally.

I opened the trunk and handed Ranger a pair of cuffs. He clapped them on Vanessa's wrists behind her back and she giggled again. "Are we doing something kinky?" she asked.

Tank took off the blindfold. She looked around, saw me and Kiley and glanced at Ranger. "What's going on?"

"You're under arrest for theft from a presidential campaign and adultery," Ranger said. It was hard for a guy to sound important wearing a little black speedo, but Ranger sure pulled it off.

"WHAT?!" Vanessa shrieked. "This is illegal! You're kidnapping me!"

I held the back door to the SUV open, and Tank tried to coax her inside. She kicked and screamed and bit and finally I got so annoyed that I stun-gunned her.

"Nice one," Ranger said, then lifted Mrs. Curtis into the SUV.

"That was impressive, Ricardo," came a voice from the shadows.

"It looks like our training really pulled off."

Ranger and Tank whipped around. Jeremy and Bill sauntered out of the shadows, shit-grins plastered on their face.

Ranger and Tank were speechless. We were right under a streetlight and I saw them both blush to the roots of their hair.

Tank was the first to recover. He stood up straight and ignored his mostly-naked state. "Sergeant Forest, Hallmark."

Jeremy and Bill grinned at him. "At ease, soldier."

"Well this is humiliating," Ranger muttered.

"Fucking brilliant," I said.

Ranger glanced at me.

"Kiley and I met them inside. They picked up on our act right away. Figures though, stupid Special Forces ESP."

"I never thought I'd see you two again, cadets," Bill said.

"It's truly a miracle you two fatheads didn't kill yourselves," Jeremy agreed.

Kiley and I gaped and stared at Ranger and Tank, both looking completely humiliated.

"Can't we get dressed first?" Ranger asked.

"No," said Jeremy, "Your humiliation brings back delightful memories."

"Everything that happened to us was his fault," Tank said, jerking his thumb at Ranger.

"As I recall it was _you_, Patrick, who started Red Dress Day."

Tank blushed. Not an easy thing to do, being that dark.

"Red Dress Day?" Kiley asked, glancing at Tank.

"Tank lost a bet on Mother's Day," Ranger explained, "he had to wear a red dress all day, through all his training. Forest and Hallmark thought it was a nice tribute to all our mothers so every year they picked a sucker to wear a dress."

"You were the second sucker, Ric," Bill said.

Ranger blushed.

I burst out laughing. "_PLEASE_ tell me you have pictures!"

Jeremy grinned at me. "Oh don't worry; these two idiots are in the hall of shame."

Kiley and I lost it. We had to sit on the ground because our legs gave out.

* * *

"That was fun," I said to Ranger. He was sulking in the seat on the other side of a sleeping Mrs. Curtis. Tank and Kiley were in the front seat.

"It was mortifying."

"But amazing."

He glared at me. "This totally ruins my image, doesn't it?"

"Hell yes, Pippi." I named him Pippi Longstocking because of his red dress.

Ranger groaned and put a hand over his eyes. "I hate my life."

"Ah no you don't, Ricky," Kiley said from the front seat, "You just got a hundred dollars stuffed into your underwear. And you got an entire room of women to simultaneously orgasm. I think that constitutes as a fucking _great_ life."

"She has a point," I said.

**Finis**


	21. Warm And Gooey

This is my attempt at something more serious. I hope it's good.

**Warm and Gooey**

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Tank was in a hospital bed, in a coma, and he might be dying. And it was all my fault.

See, we were assisting the police in a major meth-bust, and things went to shit. Right after we'd finished clearing up all the meth labs and supplies, a druggie we missed came out of the basement and started shooting everyone. We were all caught off guard, some had even shed their Kevlar vest, me being one of them, and three people went down with minor injuries. Then the creep aimed at me and fired off a shot. But not before Tank dove in front of me. The idiot saved my life, and in turn got shot in the head. Fuck.

So I'd been sitting in the hospital, by his side, swearing and crying and begging whoever was up there to help him out. I'd made promises to be good and never put itching powder in Tank's boxers ever again. I'd refused to go home with Ranger, who was getting more and more worried about me and my well being (I hadn't eaten in a week) and I was fucking depressed.

"How is he today?" Ranger asked, standing behind me.

"The same," I said.

"You should get some rest, Jamie," Ranger said, "or at least eat something."

"I've been sleeping in the empty bed in the next room. And I'm not eating until Tank wakes up."

This was bad, because the doctors didn't know if he was ever going to wake up. The surgery to get the bullet out of his head went okay, but there was so much trauma they didn't know what was going to happen.

"Okay, well look at it this way," Ranger said softly, "Tank saved your life, and now you're going to waste that by starving yourself to death? Not cool, kiddo."

I squinched my eyes shut. Boy, when you looked at it _that_ way. "Okay, fine, I'll eat something."

Ranger kissed the top of my head and went in search of food.

We hadn't been able to reach Kiley yet. She was on a Peace-Corps thing in Africa, with no way of contact except mail. I'd sent a letter the day it happened but it probably wouldn't get to her for another week or two.

Ranger came back with a bologna sandwich, chips, and a large strawberry shake. He pulled up a chair and sat next me.

"You better eat that ALL."

"I will."

* * *

The next morning there was no progress at all. When I woke up I sat down in the same chair by Tank's bed, and stayed there until that evening. I was about to dose off when Tank moved. 

"Tank?" I asked softly. My heart was beating so fast I couldn't even tell the beats apart.

"Mm…" he groaned. His eyelids fluttered and finally stopped at open.

I sat up a little straighter. "Tank!"

"What?" he asked.

"You're awake!" I was so happy I could cry. Well, I did. But only a little.

"Who the fuck are you?" Tank asked harshly, "And why the fuck am I in a hospital?"

"Uh…I'm Jamie," I stammered.

His eyes raked my body. "Am I fucking you?"

My eyes widened. I did _not_ like this Tank. "No! Jeez, I'm your friend, you idiot."

He looked taken aback at that statement, and changed the subject. "Why the hell am I in a hospital?" He was feeling his bandages and trying to sit up.

"You got shot," I said dumbly.

Un-Tank looked murderous. "Who shot me?"

"A guy strung out on meth," I said.

"Why the fuck didn't I shoot him first?"

My heart clenched painfully. I wasn't sure if I should tell him he saved my life. I eyed him for a moment and then decided. "He was aiming for me, but…ah…you jumped in front of me, and, well, saved my life," I mumbled, looking down at my hands.

"Saved your life? Jesus fuck, why would I do that if I'm not screwing you?"

I shut my eyes. I felt like crying. This wasn't Tank. This was Anti-Tank.

I didn't answer him. I just glared and stomped out of the room. I grabbed a doctor, told him that Tank was possessed, and left to find a cell-phone-okay area.

"Tank's possessed," I said when Ranger answered.

"He's awake?"

"Yeah, but he doesn't remember me, and he's being a jerk."

Ranger was silent for a beat. "Shit," he said finally.

"What?"

"Does he remember anything?"

"I don't know. I didn't stick around to ask. I was going to cry or shoot him or something if I stayed in that room."

"Fuck," Ranger said, "I'll be there in ten."

Ten minutes later, Ranger joined me in the ICU.

"So what's wrong with Tank?" I asked, "Not that I care much right now or anything."

Ranger looked grim. "We'll see. If he remembers me…" Ranger trailed off and headed for Tank's room. I followed.

Anti-Tank's eyes narrowed when Ranger entered the room. "Come to finish me off, Carlos?"

Ranger sighed heavily and turned to me. "He remembers me."

"No kidding. Now what?"

Ranger ignored Tank's glares and pulled me out of the room. "Now we don't let him anywhere near you and wait for him to remember everything."

"Hold it!" I said, digging my heels in, "What's up? Why's he being such an ass?"

Ranger looked conflicted. Finally he sighed again. "Tank…wasn't a very nice person before we met," he said slowly.

"I thought you two were kids together," I said.

"We were. For a year. And then he moved. We met up again in college…he hadn't turned out good. With his father gone, and his mother dating abusive man after abusive man, his idea about the treatment of other people, especially women, was very, very warped."

This was a surprise to me. I'd only known Tank as the funny, sarcastic, amazing guy. The guy who saved my life. "Omigod. How did he change so much?"

Ranger grimaced. "Me, Jordan, the Army. Mostly me and Jordan, though, and sometimes my father."

"Jeez. So he doesn't remember anything before you guys met?"

Ranger shook his head. "Apparently not. We hated each other back then. We weren't friends until after the army, after he learned how to _have_ friends."

I remember the look he'd given me when I'd told him I was his friend. "Holy jeezus," I said.

"We have to wait for his memory to come back, and until then, you are absolutely _not_ allowed to be alone with him," Ranger said.

"Good. He's already undressed me with his eyes. I don't think I could take anymore." I couldn't imagine Tank doing something evil to me. I could, however, imagine this Anti-Tank doing something, and that chilled me to the bone.

"What about Kiley? She's going to want to see—"

"No," Ranger said, cutting me off. "Absolutely not. And we won't tell him he has a girlfriend. No."

Ranger was really intense. "Okay. No girlfriend. But we have to bring back his memory. And we can only do that by acting normal, right?"

Ranger frowned. "I don't want you near him. The rest of the guys can help. I want you to steer clear."

I sighed. "I want to help. I won't be alone with him, but I want to help."

Tank's doctor came down the hall and spotted us. "You're Mr. Samuel's next-of-kin?" he asked.

Ranger nodded.

"I'm afraid Mr. Samuels has a case of amnesia. There's no telling how long it will last, but usually not longer than a year. All you have to do is act normal, like he still has his memory, and it will come back eventually."

I glanced at Ranger. He didn't look happy. "When can he be discharged?"

"We should keep him here for at least two more nights. Then he can go home."

Ranger nodded and thanked the doctor. Then we left.

* * *

"How's Tank?" Lester asked when Ranger and I entered the control room. 

"A jerk," I said.

"He has amnesia," Ranger said quickly at Lester's confused look, "He…doesn't remember anything past the point that he and I met."

Both of Lester's eyebrows shot up. "Oh? Keep him away from Jamie, then."

"I can handle a slimeball," I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

Ranger looked at me. "You can't handle this slime ball. You _will_ stay away from him."

No. I won't. "Fine," I said.

* * *

Tank was home. He was in his apartment, on house arrest. I won't even repeat the things he said to me when he saw me. But let me tell you, it genuinely scared me to see him so different. Every time I encountered Anti-Tank I had to take a minute to process that this was my former best friend.

Kiley called three days after Tank got home.

"How is he?!" She yelled, "Is he still alive? Oh god, please tell me he's not dead! I'm coming to Trenton right away!"

She would have continued but I stopped her. "NO!"

"What's wrong? Why don't you want me to come?" She was getting hysterical, and it was scaring me.

"Kiley, listen for a second. Tank has amnesia. He won't remember you."

"So? I'm coming, and I'm making him remember me!"

"NO! Kiley, you can't come—"

"Like hell I'm not coming! Why would you try to keep me away?!"

"LISTEN TO ME," I bellowed over the phone. Kiley shut up.

"He doesn't remember anything before the point he and Ranger met when they were in college. And…Tank, well, he wasn't Tank in college. He was a jerk. An asshole. And really dangerous. I'm not letting you near him. He's already made disgusting passes at me."

Kiley was silent. "He's not Tank anymore?" She whispered finally.

"Not at the moment. But he'll get better."

She was silent come more. "You'll call me the instant he gets better?" She asked.

"Yeah, I will. Don't worry. He's alive, at least, although in the last two days I've wanted him dead."

"Okay."

I disconnected and sighed, thunking my head on my desk. I wanted to see him, to wring his neck and demand his memory to come back. But I'd promised Ranger I wouldn't be alone with him…not like I wanted to, anyway, but there it was.

I searched the office until I found Ranger. "Hey, come to see the devil with me," I said.

"I'm kind of busy right now," Ranger said, his eyes traveling back and forth on the computer screen, "Why would you want to see him, anyway?"

"I'm sick of this Anti-Tank thing. I want my Tank back, and dammit I'm going to get him back."

"How?"

"I'm going to show him a bunch of pictures that I've taken over the years, and pound memories into his brain."

Ranger looked up at me. "I'm not sure he'll take that so well."

"I want to try, anyway."

Ranger sighed heavily. "I can't right now. Take Lester."

"Fine."

I went back upstairs to the apartment Ranger and I shared, grabbed the cardboard box filled with Jamie-memorabilia, and sorted through every picture, taking the good ones of me and Tank. There were a lot. I smiled at the pictures. There was one of me and Tank on a pyramid, fighting over who got to stand on the very top. Tank throwing me into the ocean. Me sitting on his shoulders, toasting the camera with a bottle of Carlsberg. Tank and the Merry Men. Tank and Kiley. Oops, can't show him that one. Tank and me, covered in paint, holding paint-ball guns. Tank and me wrestling, fighting over the last of Ella's chocolate chip cookies. Me dumping a bucket of water on Tank's head. And the next picture, taken not five minutes later, of Tank holding me under a spray of cold shower. I sighed. I missed Tank!

I gathered all the photos together and went in search of Lester. He refused to come. Jerk. So I poked my head into all the Merry Men's offices but no one wanted to face the beast.

"AH You're all a bunch of WIMPS!" I groaned.

"I'll go with you," said a deep voice behind me.

I jumped three feet in the air and turned around. "Hi Zero," I said with a smile.

He didn't smile back. But I knew he was thinking about it. "You're going to Tank's?"

"Yup, but until he gets his memory back we're calling him Anti-Tank, the jerk," I muttered, starting for Tank's apartment.

Zero let us in. A handful of men had been given the card-key to Tank's apartment. The door could only be opened from the outside at the moment, so there was no way for Tank to get out in case of emergency.

"Hey, Dickwad," I said, stomping into the room.

Anti-Tank was slumped on the couch, watching TV. More like shooting daggers at the poor thing. Anti-Tank was a little grumpy.

He shifted the daggers to me and gave me lecherous smile. "Are you here to finally give me some?"

I narrowed my eyes. "No. I came here to get my friend back, jerk."

Anti-Tank stood up and reached for me, but I darted away, grabbed Zero—who had been standing behind the couch—and dragged him into view. "And if you even come _near_ to touching me, I'll sic Zero on you! Hands off, creep!"

Tank coolly surveyed Zero, scowling. Zero didn't say anything.

I pointed at the kitchen table. "Sit," I said to Anti-Tank.

"Fuck you," Anti Tank spat.

Zero grabbed him and shoved him down on a table chair. "She says sit, you sit."

Anti-Tank scowled some more, but remained sitting. I sat beside him with my stack of pictures.

"Does this look familiar?" I asked, showing him the picture of him and some Merry Men.

"No."

Next was the picture of us covered in paint. "How about this?"

"Nope."

Tank throwing me into the ocean. "This one?"

He stared at the picture for a few beats, and I my heart jumped.

"I bet it'd look more familiar if you went and put on that little bikini for me," he said finally.

I rolled my eyes. "You're slime," I said.

Anti-Tank didn't answer. I showed him the next picture: me sitting on his shoulders.

His face broke into a evil grin. "Shame I don't remember _that,_" he said, taking the picture from me, "I bet I enjoyed my head right in your pussy. I bet I'd remember more if we did that again, except I'll face the other direction."

Everything happened very fast. I punched Tank in the ear, he was suddenly on top of me on the floor, violently trying to shove his hands under any article of clothing possible, and then he was sailing through the air across the room. Then Zero picked me up and left the apartment, slamming the door behind him. He set me down on the ground and looked me in the eye.

"Are you okay?"

I stared at him. "Uh…I dunno." I didn't think I was. Tank just attacked me. My best friend, the one I trusted more than anyone else in the world (besides Ranger, of course), just attacked me. Well, I guess it was provoked. I did punch him, after all.

"Don't blame that on yourself," Zero snapped. I jumped.

"But—"

"No," he interrupted me, "Stop it. You know that wasn't your fault."

The elevator door opened and Ranger burst out. "Are you okay?" he asked me, looking extremely worried.

"I don't know," I said, and then burst into tears.

* * *

"We had the room bugged with cameras," Ranger told me later, after my little break down. I was sitting on his lap, in the bed, exhausted. 

"What did say to make you punch him?"

"Something gross about the picture of me sitting on his shoulders. I think you can guess."

Ranger's arms tightened around me. "You are never going near him again. Not until his memory is back."

"No problem there."

The next day I think Zero beat the shit out of Anti-Tank. At least, that's what I think Ranger was muttering about, not getting his turn or something.

"Zero shouldn't have," I said over lunch, "Tank's not himself. He's an alien."

"We told him loud and clear to keep his hands off you," Ranger seethed, "it's his own fault he didn't listen."

Ranger and the some other guys took over Project Tank's Memory Retrieval. They led him around Rangeman, around the city, showed him all of the photographs I had, told him stories about him in the army, and stories about him working for RangeMan. They didn't mention that he was second in command or had a girlfriend. It wasn't working, so far as I could tell. Though I was to evacuate the room whenever Anti-Tank came in it. I was totally fine with that. I didn't want to look at the jerk right now.

It was a totally relief when Lester asked me to help on a stake-out in the next town over. We'd get two days away from RangeMan and Anti-Tank.

* * *

"So who're we spyin' on?" I asked Lester, getting comfortable on my stomach in the grass. 

"This guy—James Norvich. His wife hired RangeMan to prove that Norvich is committing adultery so she can have her divorce."

I whistled. "Hoo_eey_, she must need that divorce desperately to hire a mercenary. Why couldn't she spy in him herself? Or send a friend?"

"She needed a neutral party witness to make it legal."

"Damn, well, this is gonna be fun. All we need to watch out for is some nasty sex."

Too bad that wasn't enough to distract me from thoughts of Tank. I missed him. A lot.

At three in the morning Mr. Norvich came home with a blond attached to his arm. Lester held up binoculars. "That's our girl," he said happily. He snapped a couple of pictures and we watched them disappear into the house.

"Think they're gonna leave the blinds open?" I asked.

"I hope so. She was hot."

Lester and I waited around for a little while longer, making disappointed noises when Norvich closed his bedroom blinds, and returned to our hotel.

"Yay, a night away from RangeMan!" I sighed, flopping on my bed.

"I saw Tank. Somebody beat the shit out of him. What did he do to you?" Lester asked from his bed.

"He attacked me." I didn't want to talk about it.

"Fuck. Why didn't I get to hit him?"

I smiled. It was nice to know these guys were so protective of me.

* * *

I made my way carefully through RangeMan the next morning. It wasn't that hard, seeing as I only needed to take the elevator to the seventh floor, and you needed a special key to get up there anyway, but it never hurt to be careful when there was a perverted lunatic on the loose. 

I opened the door to my apartment, feeling relieved, and kicked off my shoes in the foyer. I padded across the squishy carpet into the kitchen and flipped on the coffee maker.

"Jamie?"

I shrieked and spun around. Tank was standing there, looking surprised.

"What the fuck are you doing in here?" I yelled at him, going for my gun.

He looked even more surprised. "What? What's going on? Hey, don't shoot me!"

I had my gun trained on him, eyes narrowed. "What the hell are you doing here? How did you get in?"

Tank narrowed his eyes right back. "I don't know. I woke up here. Last thing I remember is jumping in front of you. What is going on?"

My jaw dropped. He was back to normal? "What was the first line of that song we wrote?" I asked. I had to make sure. Tank and I wrote a song together one night when we were trapped for five hours in an elevator together.

He blinked. "It seems last night you caught me spankin' it," he said with a smile.

I dropped the gun and jumped on him. "HOORAY!!"

He caught me, completely taken aback. "What's going on? Why do I feel like I've been hit by a truck?"

My smile couldn't have been any bigger. I needed a bigger face to smile so huge. "You didn't remember any of us and you were a jerk, so Zero beat you up."

He frowned. "Didn't remember you? Start from the beginning."

I dragged him to the couch and sat on his lap. I was happy I was bouncing. "You were in a coma, almost dying, and then you woke up and you didn't remember anything past the point you and Ranger met, so you were a big jerk, and insulting everybody and making passes at me and stuff so we all hated you. But now you're back and that's all that matters!"

"Fuck," Tank said. He looked really sad. And ashamed. And embarrassed. "Did I hurt anyone?" He said after awhile.

"Ah…not permanently, no," I said. I didn't really want to tell him what he did to me.

His eyes widened in fear. "Kiley…"

"She's not here. We wouldn't let her come until you were better and we didn't tell you you had a girlfriend."

He still looked fearful. "And you?"

I looked down at my hands.

"Jamie."

"Well, you attacked me."

"Did I make you cry?"

"Only that one time."

"Jesus fuck," he said, sounding pained. He wrapped his arms around me and held tight. "I'm sorry."

"You were an alien. It's off the record," I said, hugging him back.

We sat in silence for a while. I felt like crying again. But the good kind.

"Thanks for saving my life," I said finally.

"It was self-serving, kiddo. I can't live without you."

Tank and I weren't serious very often. His comment made me feel warm and gooey and even more like crying.

"Jeez, I should have known, you selfish bastard." I pulled away and glared at him, sticking my finger in his chest. "Did you even consider that maybe _I'm_ the one who can't live without _you_?"

"Not even for a second."

Ranger found us awhile later. Apparently they had to move Tank up here to accommodate a threatened witness. Ranger gave everyone the night off so we could celebrate Tank's homecoming and I called Kiley to tell her that her hunka' burnin' love was back!

THE END...

First line of the song "Spankin' It" by Stephen Lynch. Listen to it. It's funny.


	22. Happy April Fool's Day?

**Happy April Fool's Day...?**

My first thought was _How do you build up eyelid muscles?_ Because I couldn't get my eyes open. They were glued shut by the fuzziness – that god-awful fuzziness that wracks my brain after a night of drinking.

There, eyes open. Oh god, a mirror on the ceiling. Where did _that_ come from? I heard breathing beside me and started to turn my head, then thought better of it when the dizziness caught on to the whole "I'm hung over" show.

"Unnngh…." A voice said beside me. It probably wasn't that loud, but it sounded like standing next to a very large speaker with the bass turned way up. I shut my eyes again.

When my eyes opened again it took less effort. I felt better. I smelled Ginseng. I turned my head again, to find out where the breathing was coming from, and found Tank's sleeping form beside me, the side of his face smashed into the pillow, mouth open, drooling.

"Tank," I croaked.

"Fuck you."

"Tank," I croaked again.

"I said be quite, fugger," he gurgled.

"Tank!" I croaked louder.

"The fuckdya want?"

"Why the fuck are we sharing a bed?"

His eyes opened, then widened to the size of platters. "The fuck you doing in my bed? Where's Kiley?"

Kiley. Tank's girlfriend. It was all coming back to me. Vegas. Jamie and Kiley took us to Vegas. Treated us to some drinks. Fuck.

"Dayzit?"

"Wha?"

"What day is it?" I said more clearly.

"Fuck if I know," Tank said. He smashed his face into the pillow again.

I looked back up at the mirrored ceiling and noticed writing on the back of Tank's white shirt.

"Tank."

"Fuck you. Lemme sleep."

"Tank."

"what?"

"It says 'just married' on the back of your tee-shirt."

"Da fuck?"

"It says 'JUST MARRIED' on the back of your tee-shirt."

"THE FUCK!?" Tank sat up and yanked the shirt off. He turned it around. "Well fuck. How drunk did we get last night?"

"Tank, I don't even remember last night."

"What day is it?"

"Thursday."

"Idiot, what's the date?"

"Um…"

"April Fool's day, duh! Jamie and Kiley got us drunk and set it up so we look like we just got married in Vegas! Those two are getting mighty predictable. Damn I'm hungry," Tank said, rolling out of the bed. I followed suit.

Kiley and Jamie were sitting at the breakfast bar, eating omelettes.

Jamie smiled at me. "Hey there, tiny dancer, I got you a whole wheat bagel."

I smiled at her. "Thanks babe, but really, you're getting too predictable. The whole marriage thing isn't going to work."

Kiley's eyes widened and her mouth screwed into 'uh-oh' mode. She and Jamie exchanged a glance.

"Oh don't even try," Tank said, grabbing a bagel from the basket, "Ranger and I would never have gotten married, doesn't matter how drunk we were."

Kiley bit her lip and Jamie smiled a lot.

I narrowed my eyes. "What?"

"Well…"

"What?" Tank asked.

Jamie reached across the counter for a piece of paper. She handed it to me.

It was a marriage certificate. With my and Tank's shaky signatures. "Nice forgery, Jamie, did you get Lester to do this?"

"No. You two got married."

"Uh-huhn, sure, conveniently the night before April Fool's Day."

"Actually," Kiley said, now holding a DVD case, "The MGM Grand was thrilled to have you and Tanky-Poo here as its first homosexual couple get married here…they filmed it for us."

Tank rolled his eyes. "Sure, just pop the disc in."

Kiley and Jamie looked at each other again. Kiley walked over to the big-screen TV and put the DVD into the slot.

"We gather here today to join these two nice young men in holy union," said the priest. I felt my eyes pop out of my skull. There was me and Tank, dressed sharp in nicely pressed tuxedos, swaying on our feet drunk off our ass, getting married.

There was Kiley and Jamie in the background, looking conflicted as to whether they should laugh or drag us away.

"We decided to laugh," Jamie said, reading my mind as always.

"Yeah," Kiley said, "The first time we tried to stop the sin the both of you threw a tantrum."

We watched the whole marriage ceremony. Tank and I in horrified silence, Kiley and Jamie silently laughing.

"Well…" I said after Tank and I knocked heads together in an attempt at a kiss and crashed to the floor.

"I guess we're over," Jamie said to me, trying to hold in the giggles.

"Yeah," Kiley said, patting Tank's shoulder, "We had fun while it lasted."

Tank looked pissed. I didn't know what to feel. We were fucking married.

"My GOD!" Jamie burst out, collapsing on the floor in a heap of laughter. "We only meant to get you two so drunk do you'd do something minimally stupid," she gasped through giggles. Now Kiley was joining in.

"But then you saw the priest and decided to get married!"

Jamie and Kiley went on like that for a while.

"You're sure this isn't an April Fool's Day joke?" Tank asked, his voice more falsetto than usual.

That sent them off again.

"I guess we should get a divorce," I said.

"This is going to be hell on my credit," Tank grumbled.

Kiley and Jamie were incapacitated.

"How would you have liked if Tank and I got YOU two married?" I yelled at Jamie.

She stopped laughing for a moment to look up at me. "You would have begged to watch us consummate it!"

I rolled my eyes…but then the thought entered my head. Jamie…and Kiley…together? Fuck.

I looked at Tank. He was thinking the same thing.

"Oh go take a cold shower, Ranger!" Jamie yelled, "Then we gotta get you two divorced!"

The laughter last a long time.


	23. Luke and Leia

**Luke and Leia: One of life's perfect matches**

"Jamie, wanna come on a bust?" Tank asked me, leaning into my cubicle.

I'd only been working at Rangeman for six months and no offices had opened up, so I was still banished to a cork-board box.

"Yes!" I yelled, grabbing my bag. I'd been between those four bulletin boards for too long!

"Where are we going?" I asked, jumping into the back seat of an SUV. Ranger and Tank were in front. Tank handed me back a file.

John Johnson (oh lord curse his parents), 37, wanted for sexual assault and armed robbery. "Ooh he sounds exciting. I bet he did all this shit because of his unfortunate name."

Tank snorted.

Ranger didn't say anything. He was in The Zone.

"Hey do you ever just sit there and say weird things to see if he's actually listening?" I asked Tank.

"Sometimes I tell him I nailed his girlfriend. Or his ex-wife. Or his sister. He gets especially mad when I say 'oh man, was Isabel a good ride. She was cumming all night –" Tank stopped talking because Ranger's hand snapped out and punched him in the face.

I burst out laughing.

Ranger was smiling. He glanced at me in the mirror. "I was waiting for him to start on that."

"Is Isabel younger or older than you?" I asked.

"She's my youngest sister. Just started her sophomore year in college."

"And she's fucking hot," Tank said, rubbing his cheek.

Ranger stopped at a red light and glared at Tank. "Don't make me hit you again."

"That's what Isabel says when we're playing dirty," Tank said.

Ranger reached for Tank's neck but Tank blocked him. Ranger reached with his other hand and Tank grabbed it. Now both their hands were incapacitated, so I smacked Tank on the head with the file.

"It's a green light," I said.

Ranger started driving again and Tank sniggered in his seat.

We arrived at Grassy Acres apartment building in relatively un-violent terms. The building was seven stories of brick housed on acres of not grass, but concrete. They should have named it Concrete Paradise. I had just slammed the car door shut when the front door of the building opened and two people came out. The girl was my height, with shoulder length straight red hair. The other was Mr. John Johnson, and he was holding a knife to her throat.

"Shit," Tank said, pulling out his gun.

"I would suggest you let her go," Ranger said, gun already trained on Johnson.

"Fuck you!" Johnson yelled.

The girl looked scared. I would be too.

"Hey," I waved to Johnson. "If you let her go, you can have me."

Ranger, Tank, and Ms. Redhead all looked at me like I was nuts.

"What? I'm so much prettier than her. And I bet I'm better in bed."

"Oh, yeah, totally," the Redhead said, "I know her. She's really good, at, um, blowjobs."

Johnson looked confused. His eyes kept flicking back and forth between me and the girl. She saw a narrow window of opportunity open and squeezed herself through it. She stomped on his foot, dislodged his knife hand, elbowed him in the stomach, then turned around and kicked him in the nuts.

"Wow," Tank said.

"Damn," Ranger cringed.

"Kick-Ass!" I said.

Ranger ambled over and cuffed the wheezing and whimpering pathetic excuse for a human being. Tank and I ambled over to the redhead.

"Jamie Plum," I said, sticking my hand out, "And this tank here is named Tank."

"Kiley McBride," the girl said, shaking my hand, "Thanks for the backup." She still looked a little shaken but was recovering nicely.

"Do you need to go to a hospital?" Tank asked, checking her out. I had a feeling he wasn't only checking her out for injuries, and gave him a raised eyebrow.

"No. He just cornered me as I was on my way out. He didn't hurt me."

Ranger returned from dumping mister sad sack in the SUV. "You looking for a job?" he asked Kiley.

"I have a job, why?" Kiley asked.

"You just took that guy down and he had a knife at your throat. I run a security company, and I want to hire you."

Kiley looked completely taken aback. It wasn't every day that a huge, hot, tan man offered you a job for kicking a would-be rapist's ass.

"No thanks. I'm gonna go to college and become a marine biologist and save the oceans."

"That's noble," I said, grinning at her.

"Thanks."

"Too bad," Ranger said, "I could use you."

She shrugged. "Sorry."

"She does deserve some compensation," Tank said, "She did help us bring in a high paying skip."

"Skip?"

"He missed his court-date," I said.

"You're bounty hunters! Awesome!" Kiley said, huge grin plastered on her face.

"I know, right?" I said, grinning equally as huge.

"I bet you go on some intense take-downs and stuff."

"You should have seen this one the other day. We had to lure a naked, greased up guy from his house and he tackled Tank!"

Kiley cracked up. Tank narrowed his eyes. Ranger was grinning. "He wanted to celebrate the new gay-marriage rights and marry Tank."

"You should have totally done it! That would have been amazing!" Kiley said.

Omygosh. I found my bussom buddy. "I know! That's what I told him! He totally should have gotten married to a guy!"

Ranger and Tank started to walk away.

"HEY!" I yelled, "Don't you walk away from us! We're giving you some sage advice!"

"Yeah!" Kiley joined in, "tell me more embarrassing bounty hunter stories!"

"Jamie, we'll pick you after we drop this moron at the police station. Have fun." Ranger and Tank got into the SUV and drove away.

"Huhn. Some friends they are."

"Yeah, they're always being PMSy little bitches." I turned to Kiley. "So tell me about yourself."

"I'm a senior at Southridge High, I'm planning on being Valedictorian, and I'm going to a great school in Toronto so I can become a marine biologist. I'm eighteen, my birthday is May 8, and I have two cats named Buster and Babs. How about you?"

"I'm also eighteen, my birthday is March 15, and I work for Rangeman LLC. The hot one was the boss," I said.

"Tank?"

My eyes widened. "You think Tank is hot? I was talking about Ranger, the tan one."

Kiley blushed magnificently. "Erm…black guys kinda turn me on?"

I started laughing. "That's amazing. I'll let Tank know."

Her eyes got as big as dinner plates. "Uh, you don't have to, really."

I started laughing even more. "Tank will be flattered, don't worry."

20 minutes and many more laughs later, Tank and Ranger pulled into the lot. I was sad to go, but Kiley and I exchanged contact info and already planned out our Saturday. She was a little surprised when Ranger handed her a check for two thousand dollars, but she accepted when he told her to put it towards college.

"See you Saturday!" I waved out of the SUV window.

Kiley waved back and retreated into the apartment building.

"That was exciting. I love making new friends," I said, reading the paper with her phone numbers on it.

"I have a feeling that she's just as outrageously extroverted as you," Tank said.

"I hope so. Think of how much fun we could have together. And she's got some wicked prank ideas."

"Fuck," Ranger said.

"Fuck," Tank said.

"Fuckin' A," I said.


	24. You Can't Take the Frat out of the Boy

You Can't Take the Frat out of the Boy

I had been working at Rangeman for two weeks. I had made two friends. Ranger, obviously, and Tank. They were great, but the other guys weren't used to having a woman around, and they were super cliquey, so I had my work cut out for me. I said Hi, I smiled, I waved, I hand-delivered files rather than putting them in my outbox, I offered coffee, donuts, you name it. Whenever I entered the break-room, though, conversation ceased, and I was forced to roll my eyes and hastily go about my business. And they ignored me. It pissed me off, and I was determined to win.

"Your men are worse than high-school," I said to Ranger one day while were lunching in his office.

"You're the first woman I've hired," Ranger said, "They're worried you'll file a sexual harassment charge if they even look at you. My lawyer wanted me to send them all to sensitivity training, just in case."

I winced. "Don't do that. That'll make them hate me even more! What can I do to make them like me?"

Ranger smiled. "Just be yourself. They'll get it eventually."

There was a knock on the doorjamb.

"Boss – oh, excuse me." It was one of the guys, a giant one with dreadlocks.

"Hi!" I said cheerfully.

He nodded and then tuned me out. "We have a situation," he said. And then he left.

"They don't take me seriously," I said following Ranger out the door.

"They're not used to cheerfulness or salutations," Ranger said, "But they'll come around. Just hang in there." He punched my arm friendly-like and strode down the hallway, off to save the world.

I returned to my cubical to find my inbox full, as usual. I sat down, entered the first name into the search database, plugged my ears with headphones, and lost myself in music. A while later a hand clamped down on my shoulder and I shrieked.

"Jeezus fucking Christ!" I yelled, yanking out my earphones. I looked up and there was Tank, grinning down at me.

"A wee jumpy this afternoon, are we?" Tank asked.

I scowled at him. "Whaddaya want?"

He mocked an appalled look. "Can't a guy just stop by and say hi? Maybe I just wanted to see how your life is going and listen to all your girly troubles and OOF!"

He grinned and rubbed his stomach wear I'd punched him. "Grumpy, grumpy!"

I crossed my arms over my chest. "Everyone's ignoring me."

"They're all a bunch of pussies. They don't know how to act around women."

This was a slightly awkward thing to say since I shared my cubical walls with three other guys. I heard muttering from the other side of the back wall and smiled. "You got that right. It's a miracle if any of them ever reproduce."

Tank let out a guffaw, and there was more muttering. "I'm thirsty, and you look like you could use a break. Let's go to the lunch room."

I groaned. "I hate it there. Every time I enter the room everybody stops talking and looks at the table. It's so annoying!"

"Get over it." Tank grabbed my collar and yanked me out of my chair. Since I didn't have to wear a uniform yet, I got to wear nice clothes to work. Today was casual: I had on a tight black sweatshirt, black skinny jeans, and black slip on shoes with black socks. Ranger liked black. It was hell on my wardrobe.

Tank and I were halfway down the hallway from the lunch room when I heard my name mentioned. I held out my hand to stop Tank, and we stood silent to listen.

"Oh man, have you seen that new girl, Jamie whatserface? She's so fuckin' hot."

Tank's eyes narrowed, but I made the shush signal at him. I wanted to hear this.

"Yeah I wouldn't mind suckin' on those sweet, juicy tits," someone said.

Laughter bubbled up in my chest, but I held it down, clamping a hand firmly around Tank's arm to keep him from charging in there.

"I wouldn't mind burying my head between those legs," someone else said.

I was quivering at this point. It was almost unbearable. I was going to break any second now.

"Can you imagine the noises she'd make? She'd be begging me to make her cum," someone said, with noises of agreement all around.

Honestly? Really? Were they really speculating on the noises I'd make? I let out a small noise. I glanced at Tank, and he glanced at me, raising his eyebrows in silent question. I gave him the one minute signal. Let's see if they couldn't make this worse.

"Man, I could fuck her anytime I wanted," someone very confident said.

"Yeah right, Santos, I'd like to see that. She'd have you fired before you could get it up, not that she would have to hurry or anything," roars of laughter followed.

"Fuck you! I could convince her. It'd be a sweet ride, man, can you imagine?"

They made some imaging sounds.

"I bet you I could get her to fuck me," Santos said.

"Yeah? How much you wanna bet?"

Oh, no they didn't.

"Five hundred dollars. Give me a month with that woman and I'll have her riding me like zorro."

That was all it took. The laughter flooded out of me like I hadn't laughed in a year. I collapsed against the wall, hands clutching my stomach, giggling and guffawing and laughing and chortling. I couldn't stop. It started to hurt. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't believe they said that. I forgot Tank was even there.

Five heads poked around the doorjamb, and ten eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. The men filed out of the lunch room under Tank's murderous glare. They shuffled, toeing the floor and mumbling, sheepishly talking at the same time. By then I was sprawled on the floor, heaving with laughter. Through the haze of hilarity I realized that my boobs were probably jiggling enticingly and they were all probably staring and fantasizing and the wave of laughter doubled. It was awhile before I composed myself enough to stand up, bracing myself on Tank's huge form for support.

I wiped my eyes, letting the last few giggles escape before looking up at the guys. "I can not believe what I just heard," I said, my voice still quivering.

They were all staring at me, white as the walls around us.

"Uh…" A really hot tan one said, "How much did you hear?"

"Weeeelll," I said, tapping my chin, "Tank and I came in about the time someone was praising my 'sweet, juicy tits." I looked down at myself. "It was kind of a relief – I'd always thought they were too big," I looked back up at the guys, who were still pale and clammy, "It's nice to know someone appreciates them."

They stared, open-mouthed.

"And I heard the part about doing something I can't mention in polite company between my legs…"

Five simultaneous gulps.

"And the noises I'd make – I'd like to hear a demonstration of that, by the way," I said, grinning.

Now Tank was smiling.

"Oh, and which one of you is Santos?" I asked.

The hot tan guy raised a hand. "Uh…me."

I walked right up to him, and all the rest of the guys took three steps back. When I was chest to chest with him, I raised my hand, and he flinched, thinking I was going to slap him. But I stuck my hand out in a hand-shake position. "You're on. One month. If I win, you buy me lunch for two months."

Six jaw-drops this time.

"Well?" I asked, keeping my hand out.

Santos smiled slowly. He grasped my hand. "You're on."

I smiled, waved ta-ta to the rest of the boys, and turned on my heel. I took a few steps, and then whirled around for dramatic effect.

"IF I hear ANY of you talking that way about me again, especially after you've all been huge pussies and ignoring me for two weeks, you bet your tight, muscular asses and I'll hammer your balls to the wall!"

And then I stomped off, giggling to myself.

After that, the boys started actually talking to me. Word of their disgusting remarks got back to Ranger (it wasn't me, I swear), and there were five sore faces walking around not too long after. Meanwhile, I was getting pats on the back and cheers when I entered a room. Everyone wanted a recount of the story, and I found out that Rangemen were bigger gossips than I was. Lester Santos and I became really good friends, and I still have two weeks left until he loses the bet.

THE END!


	25. Conversations at Twilight

Conversations at Twilight

"Ranger? Honey? Baby? Sweetie pie darling face cookie monster –"

"What?" Ranger moaned into his pillow.

"You know how sometimes we role play?"

"Mmmmhmm…"

"Well, I thought of a new fun scenario."

Ranger rolled over. "Okay, I'm interested."

I eagerly clutched the sheet to my chin. "You be Edward, and I'll be Bella."

His eyes widened. "NO."

"Come on!"

Ranger rolled off the bed and bolted from the room. "No!"

I sulked.

"I'm not playing a vampire!" Ranger called from the other room.

"Fine! You can be Jacob!"

"I'm not going to be a werewolf either!"

"I believe you mean _shape-shifter_." I said, rolling my eyes.

Ranger was standing in the doorway, hands on hips, glaring at me. "I will NOT be any character from that stupid DUSK book."

"It's called Twilight," I said.

Ranger rolled his eyes. "Are you going to think of something else or should we just call it a night?"

I glared at him. "No sex until you come in here as Edward Cullen."

"Fine!"

"Fine!" And I threw myself on the bed, yanking the covers over me.

Ranger crawled into bed beside me. "You're fucking nuts."

"I want Edward Cullen," I grumbled.

"Go find a thirteen-year-old boy. I'm sure he'd play Eddie for you."

I kicked Ranger in the shin.

"Besides," Ranger said, rubbing his leg, "I thought they were totally abstinent."

"HA! I KNEW IT! YOU HAVE READ THEM!" I flipped over and jabbed a finger in his face.

"I only know that because _you_ whined about the lack of sex scenes!" Ranger said, shoving my finger away.

"Hmmph. I bet you secretly read them, wishing you were Edward Cullen so I would fall madly in love with you and beg you to never leave me."

Ranger smiled. "You do that anyway."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, but, that's different."

"Uh-huhn."

"It isn't forbidden love!"

"Uh-huhn."

"You aren't a sexy vampire!"

He narrowed his eyes at me.

I sighed and turned away from him. "No sex until you're Edward Cullen."

I heard Ranger sigh. And then he reached over me to turn off the light.

"Goodnight, Jamie."

I didn't say anything.

Ranger pinched my ass, so I said goodnight.

The dark minutes ticked by. I scootched closer to Ranger, and he wrapped an arm around my waist. I was just about to fall asleep when I heard a sexy whisper in my ear.

"Bella, since I don't sleep, shall we think of something to do to pass the time?"

I almost orgasmed on the spot.

THE END


	26. When You're Naked

**I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked**

I was happily singing in the shower when my bathroom door smashed open and two very large, black-clad men yanked open the glass shower door and grabbed me. I screamed and kicked but was unceremoniously thrown over Bobby Brown's shoulder and carried out of my apartment.

"What the fuck are you doing you fucking fuck?!" I yelled, bouncing up and down.

"Shut up!" Bobby yelled.

The guy beside him was named Kurt, and he was just running along, laughing like a moron. "Sorry Jamie, but I had to go through this when I was a rookie, too."

"Fuck!" I yelled.

Ranger and Tank had both warned me that rookies got treated like shit. I thought maybe I'd be off the hook 'cause I was a girl and Ranger had said that the guys didn't really know what to do with a girl. I guess they figured gender didn't matter and decided to do what they always did, which apparently was to kidnap you when you're in an inconvenient state, like, you know, naked. Thank god I'd just gotten all the important parts waxed!

All the guys we passed laughed and cheered as we ran by, thanks to Bobby taking me up to the fifth floor to parade my naked ass around.

"This isn't a free show!" I yelled, trying to cover my ass with my hands. At least they couldn't see my front.

"Coulda fooled me!" Lester Santos called back. I flipped him off over Bobby's shoulder.

Bobby walked through the control room and down the stairs. He carried me out the front door, dumped me on the sidewalk, and rushed back into the building, locking the door behind him.

"Fuck!" I yelled, sitting on the ground, soapy, wet, and naked. "Fuck you, fuckers!"

Bobby and Kurt smiled and waved through the glass. Then they left.

"Ugh!" I threw myself on my back. Now what? People were honking behind me on the street. I stood up and ran around, desperately trying to find something to cover myself with. There were only a few people walking around, thank god, but they still stopped and stared.

"Fuck! Fuckity fuck shit piss fuck!" I yelled to no one.

A lady stopped to offer me her newspaper, which I gladly received. I held the Food section against my front and scuttled around to the garage entrance of Rangeman.

"Let me in!" I yelled into the microphone.

Someone, it sounded like Bobby, came over the speaker. "Uh, sorry lady, you're not authorized to be on this premises."

"Skank!" I yelled.

"Well you know, you're kinda hot. Maybe if you did a sexy dance or something," Lester Santos's voice said.

"Over my dead body, Santos!"

"I had to do it, too!" he yelled back.

"Yeah, right."

"He's not lying, Jamie," Ranger's voice said, "Tank and I made him perform Madonna's 'Like a Virgin' for us."

"Shit."

"Dance! Dance! Dance!" The chant came louder and louder as more guys added to it.

I wiggled a little, swinging my hips.

"Take off the newspaper!"

"Fuck!" I yelled. I sighed. All the guys had to go through with this, and I'd never be officially a Rangeman if I didn't. I closed my eyes, dropped the newspaper and danced like I was in a Hollywood club.

"Stop dancing! Stop dancing!"

I opened my eyes and narrowed them at the camera. "You don't like my dancing?"

"Every guy in here's got a boner! Well, except for Manuel, but he's gay," Lester said.

"Girl you can really bust a move!" Manuel said.

I felt a raindrop on my shoulder. "Let me the fuck in!"

"I dunno boys, do you think we should let her?"

"AUGH!"

"Yeah, I think she deserves to come back. Welcome to Rangeman, Jamie!"

The gate opened, and the guys hooted and hollered as I entered the garage.

**The Naked End**


	27. Xander's Broadening Horizons

thank you to **Magdalync** for letting me use XANDER (who is now my faaave merry man). He and Jamie are going to have fun together...

**Xander's Broadening Horizons**

"Jamie, I have a special assignment for you," Ranger said, steepling his fingers together. I always thought he looked like a corporate douche bag when he did that, but I didn't comment.

"Ah Oui?" I asked, plopping into the black office chair in front of Ranger's desk.

"We have a transfer from Boston flying into town today. I'd like you to be his tour guide and go-to girl if he needs any help."

"OMIGOSH TOTALLY!" I said, a little too enthusiastically. I love meeting new people. I was bouncing in my chair and clapping. "This is going to be SO MUCH FUN."

Ranger grimaced. "Maybe you could tone it down a little. We wouldn't want to scare him away."

I rolled my eyes. "Psha! If I know anything at all, it's that this guy wouldn't be scared of a bazooka aimed at his face – if RANGEMAN hired him."

Ranger smiled. "His flight lands at noon tomorrow. You can take the day off to show him around the city if you want."

I jumped up and saluted him. "Yes sir!" Ranger rolled his eyes, and I skipped out of the room.

"What's put the extra bounce in YOUR step?" Lester Santos asked me, "gonna finally admit that you want me bad?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. We had this bet going that he couldn't seduce me within a month. It's been three weeks, and I'm sorry to say I've come this close to tearing his clothes off in the middle of the control room one too many times. If I win, he has to be a nude model in a senior-citizen figure drawing class. If he wins, I have to be his booty call for TWO months. Sometimes I forget why I'm fighting this, but then I remember that he's an arrogant, sex-obsessed frat-boy and needed to be brought down a notch or two.

I stuck my tongue out at him. "No. I get to collect the new guy and be his Rangeman Insta-Buddy."

Lester grunted. "Have fun with that. I hate coddling new guys."

"He's not really new. He's coming from the Boston office."

Lester's face brightened. "Oh really? That must mean Xander's here."

"You know him?"

"Yeah I know him, and he'll be worse than me once he sees you. I might have…told him things."

My jaw dropped and my eyes narrowed. "What things?"

Lester shrugged and walked away, "Just things."

"Shit."

* * *

The next day, at noon, I was standing in the airport terminal with a giant colorful sign that said Xander on it, surrounded by flowers and happy faces.

The minute I saw the guy I knew he was a Rangeman. He was a foot taller than I, and muscular, and freaking scary. His hair was fo-hawky and tipped blond. He was dark, in more ways than just skin tone. And his tight black T shirt didn't hide the nipple piercings. Xander had a backpack over his shoulder and a leather jacket in one hand.

I would have jumped up and down and waved and been generally obnoxious to get his attention, but I my mouth didn't work. Good thing he was observant 'cause I wouldn't have been able to move.

He stopped when he saw my sign and his pale blue eyes traveled down and locked on mine, then raked my body. The red shorty shorts and white wife-beater I was wearing suddenly felt like inadequate attire. I almost fainted. If Lester ever looked at me like that my panties would be on the floor in an instant. Snap out of it, Plum, I told myself. Be an independent, I-Don't-Need-Man-Hear-Me-Roar woman!

"Hi!" I said cheerfully, my voice only cracking enough for me to notice, "I'm Jamie!"

"Xander," he said, shaking my hand. He smiled lecherously and looked me over again with those piercing blue eyes, "So you're Jamie, huhn?"

I would have tipped my nose up indignantly, but my head was already cranked back due to his height. I hate being short. "Yeah. What of it?"

He looked me up and down again, a calculating look on his face. "Lester said you were hot."

I burst out laughing, my intimidation disappearing somewhat. "Oh did he really? What, do I not meet your standards? Not anorexic enough for you? Not blond enough?"

I turned and started to walk towards the baggage claim, and Xander picked up the pace to walk at my side.

"Well, he made you out to be this slammin' Victoria's Secret caliber chick. No offense or anything, but I couldn't see you in a Victoria's Secret catalogue. I mean, you've got the tits for it, but not the waist."

"Mmhmm, well, I'm sorry I don't fulfill your wildest dreams. You got baggage? And I don't mean the stuff in your pants," I added as he started to open his mouth.

He grinned instead. "One bag."

"Full of whips and chains?"

"You wish, baby."

After we made it back to the car (he made me lug his bag the entire way, just so I would get sweaty) I hopped into the driver's seat and asked whether he'd ever been to Miami.

"Couple times over spring break in college. I was here when I got these," he lifted up his shirt to flash the nipple rings, waggling his eyebrows.

I started the car. "You're being too subtle. Maybe you should just strip naked and demand I fuck you right here and now."

"Fuck me. Right here, right now."

I cracked up again. "I thought you said I wasn't hot."

"Yeah, but for some reason I want to strip you naked and do really dirty things to you. Lester wasn't lying. You're oozing sex appeal."

"Thanks, but no thanks."

"Your loss."

"I'm sure. So you want a refresher tour or you wanna go straight to Rangeman?"

"Drive past the beaches."

I did as he requested and drove to the boardwalk. We passed scantily-clad girls with ice cream cones, bikini-clad girls in convertibles, and topless girls on rollerblades.

"Now that's what I'm talkin' about," Xander said, rolling down the window. We were stopped at a red light. "Hey ladies," he called.

They giggled and waved. I rolled my eyes, the light turned green, and I booked it.

"Jealous, much?" Xander asked me, grinning.

"Totally. I only want you to be a pervert to me," I said.

* * *

"So what do you think of Jamie?" I heard Lester ask, two days later as I passed by the breakroom.

"She's pretty cool. Not exactly the 'hot' you described, but I would hit that," Xander responded.

I giggled into my hand. For some reason I always seem to catch Lester talking about me.

"Me neither," Lester said, "But she refuses to sleep with me. We've even got a bet going."

"Oh yeah? What are the stakes?"

"If, by next week, I don't get her in bed, I have to be a nude model at some art class. If I win, she has to be my booty call for the next two months."

"No shit? You better get her drunk then."

"Tried that. It didn't work. The girl can hold her liquor. Can you believe she's a virgin?"

Xander made a surprised noise. "No shit! Damn, they makes me want her even more. All that unexplored territory…"

"It's not _totally _unexplored," I said, deciding to reveal myself, "I'm not a nun."

"Shit," Lester said, sounding embarrassed, "how is it that you always hear me talking about you?"

I shrugged and picked up an apple off the plate of fruit on the counter. "Isn't it great?"

"No! You always walk in on my most sex obsessed conversations. Conversations that no woman should hear. It makes me look like a leech."

"But you are a leech," I said, taking a bite out of my apple.

"Yeah, but the girl I'm trying to sleep with isn't supposed to know that. She's supposed to think I'm a sensitive, caring, wonderful guy who doesn't kiss and tell."

I laughed. "It's WAY too late for that, buddy boy, I've heard about all the things you told Xander."

Lester winced. "How do you know that?"

Xander looked away and whistled, and I giggled.

"Dammit," Lester said. He turned to Xander, "And here I thought we were friends."

"Only in the wingman sense," Xander said.

"Speaking of wingmen, when are we introducing this edible hunk to the Miami club scene?" I piped up, sticking a thumb towards Xander, who grinned.

"When Ranger decides to give me a Saturday off. I don't think he thought about the consequences of Xander and me working together."

I smiled. "That's cute. Are you two inseparable? Do you get distracted from work and talk about Brokeback Mountain?"

Four eyes narrowed at me. "You're pretty cocky for an 18 year old who's a foot shorter than everyone in this building," Xander said.

I shrugged. "I've been working at Rangeman for six weeks, around a bunch of overgrown, sex-crazed frat boys who ask me every day if I'd like my muffin buttered. You learn to hold your own."

Xander and Lester grinned.

"Tell ya what," I said, finishing up my apple, "I'll get Ranger to let us off on Saturday, and maybe I'll save a dance for you two."

"Deal," the boys said, in unison.

* * *

After much begging and pleading and promising to babysit Jordan's three year old, Ranger gave me, Lester, and Xander Saturday off.

Friday night came not soon enough, and I was standing in the bathroom I shared with Tank, perfecting my "Out on the town" look. My hair was sexy-messy, my eyeliner was dark and lashes were blasted. I was wearing a shiny purple dress that had some spandex in it, that flared out a bit at the hips and stopped four inches under my ass. The back of the dress was had funky, strategically placed slits to show off my back.

"Would you hurry up in there?" Tank yelled through the door, "Xander and Lester are here. They're waiting!"

"Gimmie a minute!" I yelled back. I dabbed on some shiny pink lip gloss, slipped my feet into bright pink patent leather pumps, and shoved some cash into my bra. I checked myself over one more time decided I looked hot.

"Are we ready to blow this popsicle stand?" I asked, bouncing into the kitchen.

"I know what I want _you_ to blow," Xander said, waggling his eyebrows at me.

I rolled my eyes and Lester snickered. He and Xander looked like they were straight out of playgirl. Lester was wearing a tight white tee shirt that had a cool neon design on it, and "distressed" jeans. Xander had on tight fitting black dress shirt that was open half-way to expose a drool-worthy chest, and dark jeans.

I paused and cocked my head to the side. "Maybe we should just skip the clubbing and go straight to the threesome."

Xander and Lester grinned, and both started to reach for me.

"Yikes!"I said, jumping away, "Jeez you two I was just kidding. And besides, I wouldn't do that in front of Tank!"

"I don't mind," Tank said.

I rolled my eyes. "Tank, why aren't you coming out with us?"

He shrugged. "Tiff wanted to lay low tonight. We'll come out with you next time."

Xander and Lester started to make whipping noises, so I dragged them out the door.

"Where are we going first?" I asked, buckling myself into the back of Lester's Porsche.

"Club Vert," Lester said, cranking the engine over.

I loved that place. It was super bubbly and colorful and was a great place to dance.

I reached forward between Lester and Xander and turned on the radio. Instantly Lady Gaga's "Just Dance" filled the Porsche.

"This is fate!" I said happily, "This is a sign that we were supposed to go out tonight. Just dance! It'll be okay, do-do-do-nh, just dance! Spin that record babe!" I wiggled in my seat, dancing as much as I could under a seat-belt.

"I'd rather listen to the one about the disco stick," Xander said, grinning.

"You better not get too into the Lady Gaga obsession," I said, leaning back in my seat, "Word on the street is she's a hermaphrodite."

"As long as she's got a pussy somewhere, I don't mind," Xander said.

I rolled my eyes.

"Hey, at least I'm not discriminating, right?" Xander said.

Okay, fine.

"Who's ready for some daaaancin'?" Lester said, pulling into a space at Club Vert fifteen minutes later.

"Helllla!" I said. I jumped out of the car and twirled towards the entrance.

Lester nodded to the bouncer, who let us in ahead of everyone waiting in line. I love working for Rangeman.

Club Vert was like stepping inside Alice in Wonderland. The walls, floor, and ceiling were neon green. Big, colorful, bulbous glass lights were hanging from the ceiling. The tables were decorated with everything from bottle caps to Barbies to candy music was usually techno, with a strong beat and funky words like "the system is down" thrown in. The three of us found a table, and I grabbed Lester and pulled him onto the dance floor.

I danced with Lester, then Xander, then Lester _and_ Xander and let me tell you THAT was quite an enlightening experienced. I realized I needed some tail…BAD. I took a break and had a drink while I watched two blonds seduce Xander. Then a really cute red-head asked me to dance and it was back to the floor for me.

When I returned to the table, Xander and some brunette were hot and heavily sucking on eachother's faces. I threw myself into the chair next to the girl, "accidently" bumping her as I reached for my drink.

"Sorry," I said, sipping my cosmo innocently, ignoring the glares.

"Baby, who is this?" the girl said, glancing at Xander.

Her white spandex dress was super tight, barely holding in her fake boobs. I gave the best once over I could while she was sitting down, and noticed that she didn't have much hip definition. Then I looked a little closer at her face and realized her jaw was abnormally pronounced. Then I looked ever closer and noticed her hands were rather knuckly. I almost snorted my drink up my nose when I realized that Xander was piss-drunk and not realizing his hot brunette was actually a dude.

"Baby, this my friend Jamie. Don't worry 'bout her, we haven't fucked," Xander slurred.

They resumed making out and I snatched my phone out of my clutch to text Lester.

Five minutes later Lester sat next to me, his eyes glued on the back of Xander's latest conquest.

"Oh. My God," Lester said.

"This is the most wonderful thing I've ever seen."

We couldn't take our eyes off the scene in front of us. It was like a car-crash. Xander must have been super drunk because this drag queen was really obvious. They were all over each other. I mean, _all_ over each other. We watched as Xander reached up to squeeze the guy's breast and then we turned our heads sideways as Xander's hand slid down to his crotch. Lester and I held our breath. Xander's hand paused as he felt around.

"Baby don't stop," the drag queen said.

Xander's face scrunched up. He was trying to figure out what was wrong. He looked down at his hand, placed over a very prominent erection, and then his eyes widened and he shot back so hard he fell off his chair.

"What the fuck?" the drag queen said.

"I don't think he realized, um, that you aren't a woman," I said.

He shoved his hands on his hips and glared at me. "What the fuck are you talking about? I told him my name was Johnny Bimbo."

"Honey all he saw were those knockers," Lester said, grinning his ass off.

Johnny Bimbo tossed back his beautiful brunette hair. "Whatever," he said, and then stalked away.

Xander was standing on shaky legs, leaning against the table, holding his head. "I can't believe I just made out with a dude," he said, making gagging sounds.

Lester and I burst out laughing. We were banging the table with our fists, unable to breathe, clutching each other in hysterics.

"I think I'm going to throw up," Xander said, looking distressed. Then he passed out.

Still laughing, Lester and I managed to get Xander somewhat awake and out to the car. We poured him into the backseat, and still giggling, drove back to Rangeman.

When we got back to Rangeman I helped Lester get Xander onto the couch in Lester's apartment and said goodnight.

"How was the club?" Tank asked when I returned to the apartment we shared.

"Xander made out with a dude," I said, grinning.

Tank laughed his ass off and I went to bed.

* * *

"Tell me it was a dream," Xander groaned.

"It was totally real," I said, patting him on the shoulder. I was over at Lester's apartment for breakfast 'cause I wanted to see what Xander was like this morning. He was a wreck. It was like somebody had just repossessed his nutsack. He didn't feel like a man anymore.

"How could I have not known it was a dude? He had a fucking dick."

"You were really drunk," Lester said, leaning back in his chair and sipping coffee.

I forked some eggs into my mouth. "And he had big fake cans."

"Shit," Xander said. He looked up and glared at both of us. "You tell anyone and you're dead!"

"Tank already knows," I said, "And I put the video on Youtube."

"WHAT!"

"Hey, it was funny," I said, "The world deserves a good laugh."

"FUCK!"

Lester cracked up.

"GOD DAMN FUCK!"

"You're never going to live this down," I said.

"SHIT PISS FUCK!"

"Just think of it as broadening your horizons."

"You're going to get it Jamie, mark my words! I'm going to get my revenge!"

Oh boy.

* * *

**The end! And now all my wonderful readers get to help me think of a fun slash evil way for Xander to get Jamie back...'cause I've run out of embarrassing ideas.**


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